5 months old...

Dear Kaylee,

You have developed a new way to comfort yourself. A few months ago we took away your binky. As I said in the last letter, you couldn't suck on it very well anyway. So it was best for everyone involved if the bink just disappeared. We were worried you might start to suck your thumb...well...that isn't what happened. You started to suck the inside of your arm. Actually, it isn't so much a suck as it is a lick. You lick the inside of your arm... We are so proud!!! At least it shows you are a problem solver! Unique at that.

This month has been a rough one sweet bug. You, and the rest of us for that matter, had been pretty healthy through the winter. But around the time the ground hog came out, we all got sick. Most of us anyway. You were the worst though. At first we thought you had RSV. That is a scary thing to have and we worried because you didn't seem to be getting better. You were so sick. Your cough went all the way down to your toes and racked you until you would cry from the pain of it. It was heart breaking. When you didn't get better we took you back to the doctor and he decided that it was probably pnemonia. Once you got on the antibiotics things started to turn around. It was good to see you smile again. We thought for a few days there that you would never smile ever ever again.

Once that was over, you were heathly for a few days and then started right into another cold. So for much of the month you have looked like this...


and this...


We are really looking forward to you being over these and for the spring to get here. It will be a good thing.

You are learning to sit up. You haven't quiet got the total idea, but you are coming along. You love to throw yourself backward, which ends badly everytime. I am hoping that soon you will discover you are actually doing that to yourself, and that it is not some mean trick your parents are playing on you to torture you for our amusement.

Another fun thing that you are doing this month is this...



THE BABY DEATH GRIP!!! That is what Daddy calls it. It looks harmless enough in this picture, but what you do...just seconds later...after the camera has clicked complete...is clamp down your fingers and dig your REALLY sharp baby finger nails into the soft part of the neck. You grab a handful of flesh and then squeeze and claw and...dare I say...tear at that vulnerable area of our necks. It is almost like you are going for the jugular! It is exquisitly painful and will bring your Mommy to her knees. The really bad part is that you don't let go. You just hang on there like...well...I can't think of what clamps on and doesn't let go...but it is just like that!

Another fun development...that is not at all painful for your parents...you have found your feet!



Well it is a littl painful for us...when we are trying to change your butt...oh the fun!!!

And lastly this month baby, you have this really cute way of holding your mouth...it is always open. If you aren't being feed or sleeping, your mouth hangs open. I know that babies explore the world around them with their mouths...so many fun things! But your mouth hangs open with an intensity that I don't remember in your brothers and sisters. Almost like you are trying to WILL the objects, people, food, air, etc around you into your wide open pie hole! I am sorry to report that your baby powers have failed you. Despite your best efforts, those thing will not simply move themselves into your mouth...you are going to have to use your hands.


Well, there it is sweet Kaylee bug, your are a gigantic 5 months old. We are so happy to have you in our family and we are REALLY glad that you found your smile again.

Love,
Mommy

Reasons...Conflict

For the majority of my life I have been very seriously handicapped by my inability to confront people directly. I hate conflict. It is just something that I have never been good at handling. I know people who are able to stand up in a fight. They allow their feelings of injustice and what-not fuel them into a verbal furry. They can express themselves very well in high conflict situations. It always amazes me, when I witness these people, how sure they are of their position. They are immovable in their belief that they are right and that other person is dead wrong.

In a conflict situation I tend to fold in on myself. It is very frustrating. I feel guilt on a very real level and will feel guilty about everything, even when I am not actually guilty of anything. I will feel guilty for simply disagreeing with someone. I will feel guilty because, even though they did something bad, there is one tiny little truth in their argument that sends me spiraling down a guilt tunnel. I will feel guilty just because I know what I have to say will make them feel guilty. OH THE GUILT!!! It is infuriating.

I was thinking about this today as I was dealing with the "dreaded X". He was upset over an upcoming event that is...well upcoming. It is a long story, but believe me when I tell you, the X knows all about my inability to stand up in a conflict. He knows it and he uses it. He manipulates the guilt in a way that still gets under my skin and makes me feel like so much less of a person. Like everything that has happened is entirely my fault and that I now have to pay the consequences for "tearing our perfect family apart".

To say that we don't get a long is an understatement. What is worse, is that he has such righteous indignation. He truly believes that he is completely blameless in our breakup. In his mind, I just wanted to go live it up like my single friends and be done with all of that married life responsibility. I made this choice selfishly and gave no regard to my children.

Side note: If that was true...why is it that I have been married for almost two years and he is still single???

I want to know how my conflict enabled friends do it. How do you hold it together and avoid the guilt? I hate that he still has the ability to manipulate me, and I REALLY hate that he does it to my kids. I want to arm them with skills to avoid dealing with this their entire lives. I only have to deal with him for a few more years. He will be in their lives for the rest of their lives, and he is not above playing head games with these kids.

I just don't want them to feel what I feel when I have to deal with him.

Kid speak...

Drake - "two more and I will have valentines for all of the people. Then I just need to do the ones for the girls"

Johns - "Drake, girls are people too."

Drake - "...oh...ya...your right"

Sick days...

A few days ago a friend of mine wrote about how Mom's never get to be sick. Illness comes and Mom's just have to pick themselves up and keep going no matter how bad they feel. I was laughing at that thinking how true that was...

We are all sick here. Well most of us are sick. Breena has had a terrible cold for weeks. Brit has a cold and now has pink eye. Kaylee has either RSV or Pneumonia (depends on which Doctor you ask) and is miserable. I have a head cold that is making me wish for an early grave. John is getting my cold... Drake and Dana have managed to remain healthy. We will see...

I remember when I was younger, before the kids. When I would get sick I would stay in my pajamas and stay in bed with the covers up to my chin and sleep. It was great. Even if there was no one there to take care of me, I could at least rest. Now that we have kids, as all parents know, it is IMPOSSIBLE to do anything like this. It just isn't in the cards to try and rest. Which is ironic I think, because the only real way to get over something is to sleep. But NO.... just as I feel a cold coming on one of the kids decides to fall ill. Which means that they are not going to sleep...consequently neither can I.

Even if they aren't sick, they still think that they need to eat, and have clean clothes, and be involved in activities...

I want to lay down and sleep so bad my head is just aching. But there are so many things to do and Kaylee just wants to be held. Valentine's day is in a couple of days so there are the obligatory card to complete for the kids classes. Drake has scouts tonight and Breena and Dana have activity days tomorrow that I need to finish preparing for. I have 14 loads of laundry to do and a sink full of dishes to wash. The cat boxes need to be cleaned, and my bedroom is unbelievable. I don't even want to think about what my bathrooms look like.

Being sick as the Mom sucks.

Reasons...

You STILL cannot safely buckle your children into your vehicle when your girl friend is there. Six people and only five restraints. Was it that you could not afford a 7 passenger vehicle? Or that you could not be bothered to worry about anyone else but yourself? I am guessing the latter.

You cannot manage to pay for a seat belt for everyone...but you sure as hell can afford these.




Custom wheels. Seriously???

I bet their step father would LOVE to drive a snazzy sporty vehicle. In fact I know he would. But he doesn't...because he puts YOUR CHILDREN and their well being ahead of his own personal desires.

Because that is what good parents do.

I guess we all know where that puts you.

"I am so LONELY!!!"

I have always been an animal lover. People who know me can attest to that. I like 'em all. Flying, slithering, scaly, wet, furry, dry...whatever. The only things that I won't house are spiders or insects. These are not pets...they are pests (note the extra "s"). I squish them and leave their mangled corps on the wall as a warning to the others in the area. I cannot get behind keeping them as pets.

BUT ANYWAY...

Some people are cat people...others are Dog people...and most times you are either one or the other. John is a cat person. I like dogs a lot, but enjoy cats now because they fit very nicely into our lifestyle. They only require about 5-10 minutes of actual attention a day. Other than that...they really don't care if you exist. Dogs...they need CONSTANT love an attention or they start eating things...like your furniture. They are needy and neurotic. We work and we have five kids and one ex-husband with visitation...so we run around quite a bit and are not home. My life style has forced me to become a certified cat person. But luckily (or not so luckily) I have a cat that acts more like dog than he should.

I give you Pipen. He is our 2 year old siameseish cat. He is the first kitten that I picked out. We now have four cats. The other three are normal cats. Eat, sleep, litter box, rub against your leg, look at you with disdain... ya know...normal cat. Not Pipen. He is not a normal cat.


He plays fetch.

He obsesses over things

He talks and whines to us all day long

He cannot handle change in anyway

He does naughty things when he is not being paid attention to

When we brought Kaylee home from the hospital two members of our household had problems adjusting; Brit and Pipen. Brit has adjusted and is over it; he was over it about a month after she was born. Pipen is STILL not over it.

He has these little batting toys he plays with. If you throw it for him, he will chase it, pick it up and bring it back to you. Just like a dog. He will do this for hours! As long as you throw it...he will bring it back. If you stop playing with him, he will follow you around with the toy in his mouth begging you to play with him... just like a dog.

He bats that stupid toy under the stove EVERYDAY. Then he lays next to the stove and whines until I pull out the drawer and get the toy out for him... sound like another kind of animal??? I think so too.

He likes to jump behind the TV. We have this big entertainment center with closing cabinet doors. To get behind the cabinet he has to jump up on the TV and then slither between the cutout opening in the cabinet. He then proceeds to chew on the cords to Johns XBOX 360. This is bad, because if the cord plastic isn't in place the cords could actually start a fire. Not to mention the electrical current could hurt the cat. He has gotten in trouble for jumping back there SO MANY times. No matter what we do to punish him or deter him from going back there...he obsesses about doing it again. Every time he walks in front of the cabinet, he pauses to look up and you can see his legs getting ready to leap. We yell "Pipen!!!" and he runs away. Sure as the sun will rise...he comes back a few minutes later to try again. He does this over and over and over and over again. It is maddening!!!

This cat is the strangest cat I have ever known. He is extremely cute and such a beautiful cat...but I think he must have done something wrong in a past life. He was a dog and he pissed someone off and was cursed to come back as his arch nemesis...and he has NO IDEA how to be a cat!!! He just wants someone to HOLD HIM!!!!

He may need Prozac!!!

I'm a follower!!!

I love to read blogs. Blogs have this amazing way of drawing people out. There is a sense of safety when you write a blog. I find people are - generally- most real when they consistently write what is happening to them and with them. I enjoy finding out what people think and are willing to write about themselves. I don't know...call me nosy.

I know that this blog has been an amazingly freeing, healing, creative tool for me. I am soooo glad my brother prompted me to start it a few years ago. It took a long time to get into it, but now it is a part of my day. I carry a book around so that I can write down blog ideas.

So the point is... do you have a blog?

If you do, post a link in the comment section of this post. I would love to link to it and read it. I have gotten to know some of you so much better through your writing.

If you don't, consider getting one. This website "blogger" is fast, easy and free. Just start with simple things. Things that interest you. Don't worry about what people think, this is your space. I have a friend who blogs about her compulsion to organize things. I have another friend who blogs mostly about her kids. Whatever the subject, just give it a try. You may find, like me, that you enjoy it.

And I need more to read...

They have ARRRAAIIVVVEEEDDDD

Our furniture...that we ordered on Nov 15th... is in our home!!! This is no insignificant event my friends. We have been living... for about 22 months now... without a stick of furniture in our front room. We ordered these from Furniture Warehouse during that big retirement sale. They told us at the time that it would take about 4-6 weeks for delivery. They needed to order them in. No problem we said. That would put us right about Christmas...we can wait for that.

At about 4 weeks I call to find out if they are in yet... just hoping that maybe they got there at the earliest time quote. I was told that they were not in, but that we would see them just before Christmas. The week of Christmas rolls around...no furniture. So I call again. Nope sorry they will be here just after Christmas. We will call you and let you know when we know what day.

So after the happy day is over, I call again...'cause nobody is calling me. Nope! This time I am forwarded to a manager, lets call him Paul, because that is his name. He tells me that the fabric is back ordered and that it will be mid January before the items will be in. But he will call as soon as he knows a date for delivery.

I am wondering why nobody had called me to let me know this was the case...it would have been nice to know.

So...we are patient until 15th of January. This time John calls. Paul once again makes up some delay and promises they will be in the following Thursday. "I will call you..."

I bet you can guess what happened...

Thursday comes and goes...no call. We call the store that evening, no Paul. He won't be in...we have no idea where your furniture is but you can leave him a message on his voice mail (code for oblivion). The next day I want to complain a little...I mean a lot. So I call once again, just for kicks and giggles. I have nothing better to do with my time than call stores and demand expensive items that I have already paid for...though not yet received. It is a thing with me...

So I call...and miracles upon miracles, the furniture is in! But... they can't deliver it till Monday. I should really learn to throw fits... my life would be easier. People who throw fits well would have gotten their items delivered that very damn day and not a moment longer!!! I am too non-confrontational. So I agree to monday delivery. "We will call you to set up a time for delivery". I actually said to the guy on the other end of the phone..."are you really gonna call... because we have been promised calls for the last two months...and NOT ONE TIME HAS ANYONE ACTUALLY CALLED US TO LET US KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON."

I guess I am not that non-confrontational.

They called first thing the next day and our furniture was delivered first thing Monday morning. I am very pleased with the furniture. It is beautiful and we got a very good price for them. I am also pleased that I never have to speak to another employee of furniture warehouse again. I have no plans to shop there in the future.

And they will never call me...

Drakie!!! The one and only

Dear Drake,

You may be wondering why I would choose to put this picture of you on your blog post. It is simply this... this sweet, tearful face has saved you on more than one occasion! You kill me my sweet Drake. No matter how mad at you I might have been, or what you had done; all you had to do was turn on the tears and Mommy melted like butter in the sun. (I mean real butter...not that other stuff!) You are my heart Drake. You came to me at a time when I had my hands full. Breena was only two and a half and Dana was only 14 months old. I was seriously unsure that I was going to be able to handle another child. You will hear others tell you, I am sure, that when I read the pregnancy test and it said I was pregnant...again...for the third time in two years...I chucked the test stick at your father. This is totally true. The thought of a third baby at that moment almost pushed me over the edge. Luckily, Heavenly Father made sure to send me a wonderful little boy, who could charm me with a smile and render me powerless with a tremble of the lip and a single tear. You are my heart indeed!


When you were three years old you came running into my bedroom, tripped on a pillow and smacked your mouth on the corner off my bed frame. The impact left a nasty gash on your upper lip that required stitches. I remember at the Doctors office, when they went to do the stitches...the wanted to strap you down. But you were being so good and compliant that they thought they would try it without first. I sat next to you...and you talked and jabbered through the whole thing, but you didn't cry once. It was terribly hard for the Doc to stitch while you talked, but he decided it was better to work with that than have you screaming and kicking.



You started talking really very early, but then you were always a little ahead of yourself. You even skipped that whole newborn baby look and just jumped right into infant. You were so adorable. Frankly...you still are!


You are a very emotional kid and you are one of the first to give me a hug and tell me that you are sorry that I had a bad day. You try so hard to make everything better. I appreciate you so much for this. Your compassion is a wonderful asset to you. It helps you to relate to other people and care about what happens to them. Not everyone in this world has this ability. Please don't loose it.

That isn't to say you always see eye to eye with everyone; especially your sisters. Sisters are hard for brothers to deal with sometimes. You will come to learn as you grow up that boys and girls see things differently. Try to learn from your sisters...because some day that knowledge might help you score chicks! Consider it research...on a purely scientific level of course.


You are my sweet Drakie, I am so proud of you! Happy Birthday!

Love,

Mommy

Four months old

Dear Kaylee,


You are four months old...two days ago. One thing you will come to understand about your Mom...I am not always punctual...but I do what I say I am going to do eventually. Patience is a virtue and I am just trying to teach you that virtue...ya...that is it!

You have grown so much in the last month. If we thought you had personality before...well it has blossomed even further very recently. You are...how do I put this...a little high maintenance sweet girl. Much of this is not your fault. We moved you into your crib...which threw you for a loop. We took away the binky which has made you less than pleased with us. Needless to say, you have been a little tough to keep happy. Your Dad hasn't sat down in weeks. Every time his butt hits a surface you scream and flail like your legs have been ripped off. As long as you are completely entertained at every moment of the day things are fine. Heaven forbid we try to take a moment to pee. How dare we attend to ourselves!!! The impertinence of the idea is enough to make any four month old groan.


So there are some entitlement issues. At the moment you are sitting in your very entertaining excer-saucer, surrounded by toys, throwing a hissy fit...because the toys don't talk back or pay attention to you!!! Despite this...or maybe a little because you still manage to be cute when you throw a fit...we are still absolutely enamored with you.
You may be asking yourself right now, why the binky. Well the problems lays with your genetics little one. See...you inherited only one physical trait from me, and that was an over-sized tongue. It is always hanging out and it gets in the way a lot. Especially when you are trying to suck on a binky. We would spend hours, both during the day and at night, holding that annoying piece of plastic in your mouth, because you couldn't keep it in by yourself. When we moved you to the crib we decide the time to loose the bink had come. I had no intentions of standing next to your crib every night to hold it in place while you slept. So far you have done pretty well without it at night. It is during the daytime that you seem to have trouble. You cry...oh heaven help me the crying! You cry like you lost your best friend...like your puppy has just be run over...like your mean parent took away your binky!!! Despite the crying (oh the crying!!!) you are doing really pretty well adjusting.




I have to take this moment to point out...you are huge! I look at this picture of you and it is hard to imagine that you were once so little your tiny head fit perfectly in your Daddy's hands. You are a whole lot of fun...despite the crying (oh the crying!!!) I can't wait till we start solid food! That will be a whole new world of face pulling and brightly colored spit up. Hooray for stain removers!!!

We love you bug! Even with the crying (oh sweet heaven the crying!!!)

Love,
Mommy

Kid speak...The Drake in Disneyland Edition

(tonights phone conversation)

Drake - "Hi Mom"

Me - "Hey Drakie hows your day?"

Drake - "We went swimming, got done, I put on my pajamas, and we ordered pizza...bye"

Me - "Hey wait... are you having fun???"

Drake - "Yup...bye"

Me - "Wait Drake - What did you do yesterday?"

Drake - "Disneyland"

Me - "What are you doing tomorrow?"

silence

Me - "Drake???"

Drake - "I'm having fun!!! Bye"

*click*

Salvation!!!!

The Christmas and New Year holidays were a little crazy this year. We spent most of the evenings this last season traveling around to different houses and parties. It was fun! But...(there is always a but isn't there) the traveling, noise, confusion, and late nights threw Kaylee's shedule completely out of wack. Up till then, she had been sleeping about 5-6 hours at a time, making it bearable to deal with at night. After New Years, she developed this horribly frustrating habit of only sleeping about 30 minutes at a time and then staying awake for an hour or more before crashing again for 30 minutes. She found this schedule fit her needs perfectly. She got to sleep and then play with Mom or Dad all night. What she didn't realize, being that she is an infant and incapable of thinking outside of her own existance, was that she was slowing driving her parents to madness and early death.

MUST HAVE SLEEP!!!

So last friday I was picking my kids up from my sister's house and Kaylee had fallen asleep. As Stacie and I chatted she laid across my lap unconscious. Now...there were 7 kids (at least) in the house. The TV was blarring, kids were playing, phone was ringing, and the two of us were talking. There was so much noise and confusion it was insane...and there she slept. I looked at Stacie and made some frustrated comment about wishing she would sleep this well at night. Stacie kind of laughed and said..."maybe it is just too quiet in her room at night for her to sleep..."

***LIGHT BULB!!!!***

That night John put a radio in her room on the classical station...which didn't come in very well... and she slept 7 and a half hours...woke up for 15 minutes for food...and then slept another 4 hours! AHAAAAAA! We did a snoopy dance and then headed directly to Target for this little gadget. We had to go to two different stores, but finally found it. It plays MP3s, has lullaby music, white noise (ocean, storm, womb sounds, etc.)...it is awesome. She slept the next two nights very well.

We may have found the way to thwart her efforts to end us! I am crossing my fingers that this continues to work...otherwise my sister will need to work faster on her basement...'cause she will be raising my kids!

Kid speak... The Brit's Birthday edition

Brit - "...you can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man!"

Chase - "you can't catch me I'm the toilet plunger man!!!"

Kid Speak... the Brit's Birthday edition

*early in the morning*

*knock knock knock*

Brit - "Mom can Tyler and I have our glow sticks? We fell asleep last night and forgot them"

John - (rolls over and groans) "You can have them a little later after we get up"

A few seconds pass...

*knock knock knock*

Tyler - "John...what does "later" mean???"

Panic and obsessive behaviour

I am a panic-er...ya know...one of those people who can take a small little thing and blow it completely out of proportion. Now before I go too far...it must be said that when it comes to my kids...nothing is small and there is no such thing as "out of proportion". If I think that they are being mistreated or are unsafe the "proportions" get re-defined entirely. The panic I am talking about revolves more around things like this example... In reality - the car is making a sound. In my head - the engine is falling out! That sort of panic. Something that is likely inconsequential that becomes, in my mind at least, a source of total hysteria.

I also have the amazing ability to obsess over things...a lot. I get an idea in my head and I can't get it out no matter how hard I try. Like for instance, this last Christmas. Santa was bringing the children Nerf guns...the big ones. A work friend of mine brought his new Vulcan Nerf cannon in one day and let me try it. This is a chain fed fully automatic machine gun (Nerf style); so much fun I almost injured my co-worker. Once I had this gun in my hand, I knew that John had to have one. There is only one way to fend of a 3-4 kid tactical team with a heavily stocked arsenal...and that is with a fully automatic chain fed machine gun. 8 days before Christmas...I begin searching for this gun...and searching...and searching. I call stores and wait 30 minutes for someone to help me. I surf the internet and for a moment, just one moment mind you, consider paying 3 times the amount this gun normally sells for just so that he can have one. HE MUST HAVE THIS GUN...DON'T YOU SEE PEOPLE...IF HE DOESN'T GET THIS GUN IT COULD MEAN THE CESSATION OF LIFE AS WE KNOW IT!!!

I mean that kind of obsessive...

A couple of weeks ago my cousins were in town from California. My family had a dinner get together to visit with them. While we were chatting, Emmy mentioned that she would be doing the Renaissance festival again this year in Cali. My oldest brother and his wife were seriously thinking of going.

Cut to last week...

We are having Sunday dinner at my parents house and Mike mentions to us that we should come along. I would really like to go, but figure we couldn't really swing it. John turns to me and says..."well...it wouldn't be that expensive we could do it for a late anniversary thing..."

Initiate obsessive tendencies now!

I begin calculating days and strategizing ways to save money so that we can maximize our spending abilities within the fair. I get the nod of approval from Mike...since we are crashing their trip. I start looking on the internet for hotels....SKREETCHHH...the hotels that are recommended on the fairs website are filling up!!! What ever will we do!!!

Initiate panic tendencies now!

By the time I discover this it is after 9PM. I pick up the phone and call my brother. "Mike you gotta decide when we are leaving, coming back, what we are going to eat, how much oxygen we are going to use, what the alignment of the planet will mean for the tides, and if this mole on my back looks funny...RIGHT NOW!!! THE HOTELS ARE FILLING UP!!! DO YOU HEAR ME MAN! WHY ARE YOU SO QUIET ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE???

*chirp* (the sound of crickets)

A few long painful seconds pass...

Mike - "Ya know Ang...California is a big place. There are lots of hotels...those five hotels on the website aren't the only places we can stay. We could even stay in Anaheim and drive up...it is not that far..."

Me - "oh... I guess you are right...didn't think of that"

panic turning to a low simmer...obsession at an all time HIGH!!!

This trip is going to be fantastic! A weekend away with my husband, the kids safely stowed with family. I can't wait! REALLY I CAN'T WAIT!!! MAKE IT APRIL! MAKE IT APRIL RIGHT NOW DANG IT!!!! WHY ISN'T IT APRIL NOW!

I just hope the other members of the party survive to go!

Britters

This is Brit. He is my 6 year old...former youngest. His birthday was last Wednesday. In keeping with my plan to write to my kids, this one is for him.


Dear Brit,

You are an amazing little boy, my sweet Britters. You have an infinite ability to love, and you are perhaps the most stubborn strong willed child I have ever known. Well, except perhaps Chase, but you are a close second. You were born just at the time we got our first digital camera, so I have more pictures of you as a baby than I do of your older brother and sisters. You have these enormous beautiful blue eyes.


I don't remember many things about the time when you were a baby. You were born just as we began building our house in South Jordan. You spent the first many months of your life at Joni's house, or at my mother's house while we tried to build a house...instead of hiring a contractor like most normal people would have done. I hated leaving you, and for a while you were more bonded to Joni and Grandma than you were with me. Once we were in the house, I had to work night shift to be able to pay for the house and avoid daycare. It was miserable, and you were left to yourself a lot while I tried to get a little sleep. That is the reason you were able to re-decorate the house on several occasions using black sharpies or stamp pads. I even have a picture of you covered from head to toe in red and blue ink. Most of that time is a blur to me since I was a walking zombie...suffering from lack of sleep. In fact, if it were not for my friend Jasmine, you might not have been bathed...or fed. She was a God send to me at that time and was one of the main reasons I didn't go completely insane.

I do remember how much you loved to ham it up. You were so silly. You loved to watch movies and eat popcorn. You loved to be wrapped up in a blanket and held while Nemo was on. I loved to snuggle you and hold you. I needed that time with you, and you were always willing to give it. Like most of the kids, you were a terrible eater. If it wasn't breaded and served with french fries you refused to eat it. It has been a continuous battle with you to get you to try new things. As you get older, you are getting better. But it has been a long hard fight.

It took you a really long time to speak. Since I was unconscious most of your awake time, I failed to spend a lot of time with you reading books and learning words. When you were 3 I took you to have your ears checked, thinking that maybe your speech was delayed because you couldn't hear. When your hearing checked out fine, we started working with a speach pathologists. She pointed out to me that you had no association between words and objects...that I had failed to teach you English. Jasmine and I started working very hard to teach you word and the objects they went to. Once you learned those, you started talking and you haven't stopped since! You love to tell me about everything. Especially if it has anything to do with sponge bob, or mario.

You are such a smart little boy. Kindergarten was a tough change for you and I thought you were going to push your teacher over the edge. But what we found, once you settled in, was that you were well ahead of most of the kids in your class. You read wonderfully, you know all of your fundamentals, shapes, numbers including basic math. We are so proud of you. Your delayed speach didn't seem to hold you back, and you are excelling at school!



You are a delight to us Brit. John and I enjoy your enthusiasm for games and reading. Your giggle is infectious and it resonates through our home. It is fun to watch you with your best friend Tyler. You two have been planing your birthday party for months now and I am excited to have you do it. It will be your first real birthday party and I hope it is all that you envision it to be. Happy Birthday Sweet Britters! I am so glad you are in our family.

Love, Mommy

I am an Elf!

I am a gamer. I haven't always been...though had I been given an opportunity earlier in life (thanks Mike) I might have become one back in my formidable years. To be fair to my brother, it wasn't really his fault. I was always interested in what he and his friends were doing when they got together and played D&D. (Our mother would say the name of the game and roll her eyes at the same time.) I was so interested in fact, that I would often break into his room when he wasn't home and mess with his dice and look through whatever books were in his room at the time. Sorry about that Mike...*grins*. But in truth...I never asked to play. I am not sure what the conversation would have gone like back then. But there was always this unwritten, unspoken rule that little sisters didn't bug older brothers. So I never asked and he never had to tell me to go stick it in my ear.

I like to play all sorts of games...video games, board games and RPGs. While I like all of these, I tend to favor any game I can play with other people. Video games tend to eat up a lot of time...and I play them by myself. Board game have been around forever, and I will play any kind placed in front of me. John has introduced me to all sorts of new styles and concepts and they are all so much fun. I learned to play RPGs before John and I started dating...or even speaking to each other. I was getting together with some friends playing the RPG that was built around the movie "Serenity". John was there...he was dating a friend of mine at the time...but he didn't speak enough to really teach me a whole lot. He helped where he could, but he didn't know me very well and others in the group were more dominant...or at least vocal. That was a fun, if flawed, game and I was hooked on this role playing concept. After we started speaking, and then dating, then subseqently getting married, he has pulled me completely into the Dungeons and Dragons world.

Role playing is like interactive story telling. It is a whole different type of game, because the characters (different people playing) work cooperatively to solve a puzzle, or rescue a town, or just kill things and take there stuff. It can be anything you want it to be. I am still learning to actually play my character, but I enjoy every session I sit in. We have even gotten our kids to play with us. It is important to be careful about who you play with and how the game is played. Since it is an interactive story...and since the story can go in really any direction the group takes it...there could be the possibility for the story to go in bad or even naughty directions. That is why picking a good group, and having a Dungeon Master who will wreak havoc, death, dismemberment, or gender change on anyone who attempts to hyjack the story to a bad place helps.

We were sitting in Hastur's games yesterday, looking for a new game to play. I was surrounded, but board games, and RPG books, miniature figures, dice, and gaming tables...and I smiled. Being a geek is fun! I have a very large bag of dice...that are all mine. I have my own gaming books. I don't have to sit on the sidelines anymore. If I wanna pretend I am an Elf...I can pretend I am an Elf...and these people completely understand!

Imaginif...

...you had a person who had access to your children. This person took your children out of your care every other weekend. While the kids were with this person, rules were disregarded and laws were ignored. Like say...I don't know...maybe this person decides to take your kids hiking to the top of Mount Grandeur; in April... while there is still snow on the ground...in flip flops. Now it is not this person who is in flip flops....no way... they are wearing very warm comfortable climbing boots. It is your 7 year old little girl. What would you do?
Or lets say...hypothetically (oh right!) this person were to get a significant other. And lets say this person's car only sits 5. So this person puts said car up for sale and purchases a brand new car...that also only seats 5 people. But wait...you have four kids. The person...the significant other...the four kids...that is 6 people in a 5 people car. Two of the kids are being buckled into one car seat...OR one of the kids is being buckled in with significant other. What would you do?
And then...lets say that you hold physical custody and are responsible for the safety and well being of the kids...even when the kids are with this person...and you have asked REPEATEDLY for this person to act like a grown up and put the kids well being before this person's convenience...and the person ignores you. What would you do?

Seriously...what do I do? I have no idea what I am supposed to do to protect my kids when they are with their jerk ass of a sperm donor. He takes no consideration for their safety and it scares me. Every weekend they are with him I carry my phone waiting for the phone call from the emergency room. It is going to happen...sooner or later... I cannot sit back and wait for that day to come but I have no idea what to do. Anyone out there have any clue who I can call or what I can do?

Three months old...

Dear Kaylee,

Today you are three months and one day old. Sorry I missed it yesterday, but it was Christmas day and Daddy and I had better things to do than blog...wink wink! Just kidding...we broke out his new game Arkham Horror and managed to eat up about 10 hours playing it! It was way fun! But any way...you are three months old and a total kick in the butt! We are having so much fun with you. In the last few weeks you have figured out how to use your hands...sort of. You have figured out that your hands do things and it has been unbelievably fun watching you explore them and with them. You will sit for quite awhile grasping them together and then letting go. Then you will grab your left hand with your right hand and pull the fingers. It is very exciting for you. You bat things with your fisted hands and will pull our hands toward your face when we have a bottle or binky for you. Now this all may not seem all that thrilling for you to read about...or for anyone but me to read about. But I find the look of concentration on your face facinating. I am almost as facinated watching you as you are looking at your hands. You amaze me with how fast you are learning to do things, and with your determination to figure these things out. I hope you always have that curiosity and focus.


Tonight we are going to put you to sleep for the first time in your crib. It is a sad night for both of us. You have out grown the basinett and you need to learn to sleep without us...or maybe it is that we need to learn to sleep without you. It has been so fun having you in our room with us...we are both sad that you have to go. It is one more sign that our baby girl is growing too fast.
You are fighting your first real cold right now. Luckily it hasn't been bad, just a little runny nose and cough. The first time we had to seriously suck your nose out and you woke up coughing, you looked at us as if we had betrayed you. How dare we bring you into a world where noses get stuffy and your throat hurts? What a suckfest. It was funny to see the look of betrayal! I can only say to you truthfully that it gets worse from here. I wish that I could protect you from all the suckfest things in this life. But...unfortunantly...it is usually those things that teach us the most. If it weren't for some major suckfest things happening to both your Dad and I before we met each other, we probably wouldn't have gotten together...and we wouldn't have you. Your Dad saved me from a very sad and painful life...but without that life, I wouldn't understand how amazing he is and we wouldn't have your brothers and sisters. So see...sometimes the suckfests are worth it in the end.
You are sitting next to me on Daddy's lap gooing and making spit bubbles...your favorite thing ever. Your shirt is never dry! You are bright eyed and very interested in the tapping of the key board. You laugh so often and so completely. Your smiles involve your whole body. And now...you threw up on Daddy! Good job!
We love you little bug! You are a joy to us both. You unify our family!
Love,
Mommy

The best reason

Tonight is christmas eve. It is the night we remember the gift of our Saviour. It has become a little cliche to say "remember the reason for the season" and the constant nagging of our religious leaders to put Christ first sometime wears thin. I know and I understand how this gets old over time...I am cynical enough to get it. But...having said that...I wanted to write today, on this day of days, about why it is so important to me to remember him.
I am not the most religious person you will ever encounter. There are many things in my life that are out of line with the strict tenets of my religion. For any of you who read this blog with any regularity can attest...I have a problem controling my language for one. I have no problem following the BIG requirements...but it is the little ones that I have trouble with. Dispite my short commings and cynical...sometimes pessimistic outlook on life, I have an unwavering testimony of Christ. Today I share it with you...

I believe him. I didn't say that I believe in him, though I do,...I believe him. I believe he can do what he says he can do. I know that despite all my short coming and failings, if I continue to strive to overcome those aspects of me that are not what they should be, I will be saved through him. In those moments when I am weak, when the many mistakes I have made pile up at my feet, I am safe in the knowledge that he is with me. He takes it from me willingly. He suffered and died so that I might be able to learn from my mistakes. He can do that. It isn't some magical story or a theory not yet put into place. It is truth. He is my salvation...a salvation I will never achieve on my own.
On this day, I ponder what it was like for his mother...the fear she must have felt holding that baby. I believe she knew what was likely in-store for her son. I imagine there was an overwhelming desire to protect him and keep him from the hurt and pain that the world would put upon him. I have held my babies and thought of this too. My Mother-in-law once told me that it was a very good thing she wasn't in charge. Because there would be no way that she could allow harm to come to her beautiful perfect son. Not for all the world and the salvation of all mankind would she be able to let him be harmed. I echo that sentiment. I am humbled by Mary, and her strength. She allowed him to become what he needed to be, and she stood by and watched as he fullfilled his mission. How horrible that must have been, to watch your baby (even as a grown man) suffer as he did.
Then there was Joseph. The ultimate in step-parents. What an absolutely impossible situation for him. I can only imagine how hard it must have been when he learned of what was to come. What humility he must have possessed to accept the situation and to step up and be Mary's companion and Jesus' Father. I believe with all my heart the Lord blesses step parents. Their sacrifices go unheralded and their contributions are unmatched...because they don't have to be there. They choose to be there and take responsibility for children that are not their own. I have gained a deep and loving respect for Joseph over the last two years watching John with our kids.
I am grateful for the knowledge I have of these things. I am humbled by it. No matter where i go in my life and the choices I make, I am comforted by my Saviours presence beside me. I am grateful for the people that helped him to grow into the man he was destined to become.

I wish you, and everyone who maters to you, a peaceful and happy Christmas.