For the majority of my life I have been very seriously handicapped by my inability to confront people directly. I hate conflict. It is just something that I have never been good at handling. I know people who are able to stand up in a fight. They allow their feelings of injustice and what-not fuel them into a verbal furry. They can express themselves very well in high conflict situations. It always amazes me, when I witness these people, how sure they are of their position. They are immovable in their belief that they are right and that other person is dead wrong.
In a conflict situation I tend to fold in on myself. It is very frustrating. I feel guilt on a very real level and will feel guilty about everything, even when I am not actually guilty of anything. I will feel guilty for simply disagreeing with someone. I will feel guilty because, even though they did something bad, there is one tiny little truth in their argument that sends me spiraling down a guilt tunnel. I will feel guilty just because I know what I have to say will make them feel guilty. OH THE GUILT!!! It is infuriating.
I was thinking about this today as I was dealing with the "dreaded X". He was upset over an upcoming event that is...well upcoming. It is a long story, but believe me when I tell you, the X knows all about my inability to stand up in a conflict. He knows it and he uses it. He manipulates the guilt in a way that still gets under my skin and makes me feel like so much less of a person. Like everything that has happened is entirely my fault and that I now have to pay the consequences for "tearing our perfect family apart".
To say that we don't get a long is an understatement. What is worse, is that he has such righteous indignation. He truly believes that he is completely blameless in our breakup. In his mind, I just wanted to go live it up like my single friends and be done with all of that married life responsibility. I made this choice selfishly and gave no regard to my children.
Side note: If that was true...why is it that I have been married for almost two years and he is still single???
I want to know how my conflict enabled friends do it. How do you hold it together and avoid the guilt? I hate that he still has the ability to manipulate me, and I REALLY hate that he does it to my kids. I want to arm them with skills to avoid dealing with this their entire lives. I only have to deal with him for a few more years. He will be in their lives for the rest of their lives, and he is not above playing head games with these kids.
I just don't want them to feel what I feel when I have to deal with him.
6 comments:
So. I tend to have this problem with people I'm very close to (ie: relatives). They know me and my weak points and are willing and able to "get at me".
The few times in my life that I have been able to stop the cycle are when someone outside of the relationship or myself in a moment of clarity--is able to show to me the reason why the other person is attacking...and question the reason why I take it personally.
So let me just say--as someone who watched the break-up go down--you did what was right for you and your kids. If you would have stayed in that relationship, you would have modeled for your children that being emotionally abused and treated as a second-class citizen is acceptable in a marriage. Would you want your girls in a marriage like that?
He shouldn't have an effect on you, but he still does (and will) until you are so far removed from his influence that he is no longer able to abuse or isolate you.
I watched you go from some sad semblance of life to someone trying to embrace who they are and want to live the way they truly felt, to now....when I can see that you are happy. Your kids are happy. He wants to make you miserable because he is...but you deserve your happiness.
Thanks Jasmine. I am trying really hard to remove his influence from my life. And in many ways I am succeeding. There are just some situations that are harder than others. The one that came up is due to Drake's baptism. Drake would like John to baptize him. He has more of a relationship with John than with Brent. Brent feels that this is the fathers "right" and that he should do it, regardless of Drakes wishes. It has been a very emotional week. I feel that this is a fathers priviledge, not a right and that he has not earned the priviledge to do this for Drake.
I am not worried about how this will effect me. I really don't care if he likes me or not. But he will manipulate and guilt Drake until the poor kid folds and relents to his "fathers" selfish desires. I don't want Drake to have to face that sort of manipulation, but this is who his biological father is, and he needs to learn to guard himself from it and do what he feels despite Brents tempertantrums. Otherwise he is going to be stepped on his whole life.
I just feel unarmed in this situation becauses I lack the ability to do this myself. Luckily and thankfully, John is better at this than me.
Drake has to face Brent on Tuesday, and we are hoping to arm him a little with the knowledge that no matter what he decides, we will love him and support him.
That just sucks! I would love to have some sage advice, but I have no experience and have never seen an "ex" situation handled easily. You're a good mom. And John is being a good dad to your kids. Drake will have to put up with people like Brent in lots of different situations in life. It just sucks that he'll have to do it over his baptism. You'll do the right thing --whatever that may be??--I'm sure because I know how much you love your kids and want them to be happy :)
Oh man... You want I should get some Itallian "friends" to... shall we say... "Lean" on 'im?
I'm kidding of course, but... oh man!
Sorry about the troubles, but I'm really glad your one of my nice Sisters.
I'm still pushing for a live cougar. But I understand the whole 'guilt' thing. I do the same. I don't like to debate on issues and explain why I feel that way. If I feel that way, I just do I might not have any rhyme or reason. Also, I find it's easier to be angry until the person shows up then I turn into moosh and think 'it's not that bad'.
Maybe you could just pretend everyone is Dave. You don't seem to have a problem debating with him over the orange/red situation.
I am often plagued with this same problem. The Catholics (and 'Catholic guilt') have nothing on us Mormons. Man, I feel guilty for everything.
What's helping me is to just remind myself that the momentary discomfort I feel when I deal directly with a problem is replaced by self respect and relief for many hours after the situation is over. My hubs is an excellent communicator. I'm a talker and before marrying him, I thought those were one in the same.
I know a little about your situation- enough to know the answer to your side note is "because the women he dates now are older with enough life experience to see exactly what kind of guy he is".
Don't let him engage you in a fight. Try and take your own emotion out of it. Picture him as some sort of irate customer that you are not obligated to deal with. Keep your sentences short. If he starts trying to debate or rehash stuff, just repeat the exact same sentence over and over:
ie: "I will drop the kids off at your Moms on Friday at 5 and pick them up Sunday at 5" If he starts to debate about whatever, just keep repeating the same sentence over and over in a calm yet bored voice. Dr. Laura tells people to do this and I think it's rather brilliant.
If he starts in on the whole 'it's all your fault' thing, come up with a one sentence thing you will say anytime he veers off into illegal territory. Same deal- one thing said over and over. Maybe something like "that hardly matters now, I won't rehash the past" or something along those lines.
Each time you do this, you'll feel that grip he has on you release a little. The feeling guilty is what you contribute to the problem. Remove your contribution and then he'll have to own his own crap. I don't hold out much hope that he WILL actually own it but at least he can't fling it at you like a pile-'o-poop.
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