Reasons...Conflict

For the majority of my life I have been very seriously handicapped by my inability to confront people directly. I hate conflict. It is just something that I have never been good at handling. I know people who are able to stand up in a fight. They allow their feelings of injustice and what-not fuel them into a verbal furry. They can express themselves very well in high conflict situations. It always amazes me, when I witness these people, how sure they are of their position. They are immovable in their belief that they are right and that other person is dead wrong.

In a conflict situation I tend to fold in on myself. It is very frustrating. I feel guilt on a very real level and will feel guilty about everything, even when I am not actually guilty of anything. I will feel guilty for simply disagreeing with someone. I will feel guilty because, even though they did something bad, there is one tiny little truth in their argument that sends me spiraling down a guilt tunnel. I will feel guilty just because I know what I have to say will make them feel guilty. OH THE GUILT!!! It is infuriating.

I was thinking about this today as I was dealing with the "dreaded X". He was upset over an upcoming event that is...well upcoming. It is a long story, but believe me when I tell you, the X knows all about my inability to stand up in a conflict. He knows it and he uses it. He manipulates the guilt in a way that still gets under my skin and makes me feel like so much less of a person. Like everything that has happened is entirely my fault and that I now have to pay the consequences for "tearing our perfect family apart".

To say that we don't get a long is an understatement. What is worse, is that he has such righteous indignation. He truly believes that he is completely blameless in our breakup. In his mind, I just wanted to go live it up like my single friends and be done with all of that married life responsibility. I made this choice selfishly and gave no regard to my children.

Side note: If that was true...why is it that I have been married for almost two years and he is still single???

I want to know how my conflict enabled friends do it. How do you hold it together and avoid the guilt? I hate that he still has the ability to manipulate me, and I REALLY hate that he does it to my kids. I want to arm them with skills to avoid dealing with this their entire lives. I only have to deal with him for a few more years. He will be in their lives for the rest of their lives, and he is not above playing head games with these kids.

I just don't want them to feel what I feel when I have to deal with him.

Reasons...

You STILL cannot safely buckle your children into your vehicle when your girl friend is there. Six people and only five restraints. Was it that you could not afford a 7 passenger vehicle? Or that you could not be bothered to worry about anyone else but yourself? I am guessing the latter.

You cannot manage to pay for a seat belt for everyone...but you sure as hell can afford these.




Custom wheels. Seriously???

I bet their step father would LOVE to drive a snazzy sporty vehicle. In fact I know he would. But he doesn't...because he puts YOUR CHILDREN and their well being ahead of his own personal desires.

Because that is what good parents do.

I guess we all know where that puts you.

Imaginif...

...you had a person who had access to your children. This person took your children out of your care every other weekend. While the kids were with this person, rules were disregarded and laws were ignored. Like say...I don't know...maybe this person decides to take your kids hiking to the top of Mount Grandeur; in April... while there is still snow on the ground...in flip flops. Now it is not this person who is in flip flops....no way... they are wearing very warm comfortable climbing boots. It is your 7 year old little girl. What would you do?
Or lets say...hypothetically (oh right!) this person were to get a significant other. And lets say this person's car only sits 5. So this person puts said car up for sale and purchases a brand new car...that also only seats 5 people. But wait...you have four kids. The person...the significant other...the four kids...that is 6 people in a 5 people car. Two of the kids are being buckled into one car seat...OR one of the kids is being buckled in with significant other. What would you do?
And then...lets say that you hold physical custody and are responsible for the safety and well being of the kids...even when the kids are with this person...and you have asked REPEATEDLY for this person to act like a grown up and put the kids well being before this person's convenience...and the person ignores you. What would you do?

Seriously...what do I do? I have no idea what I am supposed to do to protect my kids when they are with their jerk ass of a sperm donor. He takes no consideration for their safety and it scares me. Every weekend they are with him I carry my phone waiting for the phone call from the emergency room. It is going to happen...sooner or later... I cannot sit back and wait for that day to come but I have no idea what to do. Anyone out there have any clue who I can call or what I can do?