Funky...

I am in a funk today. I don't know why, but I don't even want to leave my room. My kids are home today, and I should want to go hang with them...but I don't. Today is Halloween and I should want to get all dressed up, even if I am just hanging at home...but I don't. I should get up and clean my house. I should finish my school paper. I should get dressed. I should want to breath in and out...but I really don't. Luckily my body wants air so it takes care of that despite my desire.

I hate these kinds of days.

About that last post

People are dumb. I shouldn't be a surprise to anyone, but people are also incredibly insensitive. What is it with people that makes them think that just because I once lived in the same neighborhood as them they know me. You don't know me. Frankly, most of you will never know me. I am not a touchy feely person who is going to open up about my deepest darkest secrets just because you acknowledged my presence. So you live next door or across the street, that doesn't give you free access to me.

I hate these kind of people. You know, the people who "love you" too much. Who just want to be "your friend". These are the people who stand out in their yard, or in the hallway after church and pass the latest gossip around. These are the people who give hugs every time they see each other and squeal over things like how "totally cute" your new shoes are. I don't need you to validate my latest shoe purchase! I liked them, whether you like them too is completely irrelevant to me. In fact the idea that you honestly like them gives me pause and the worry that I should reconsider my purchase. My brother once referred to these people as the "beautiful people". These are the former cheerleaders/ dance company participants/ aspiring interior decorators of the world. And they totally piss me off. These are the women who go to restaurants and order salads and drink water with a slice of lemon. These are the women who spend so much time trying to convince everyone, including themselves, that they are the perfect wife, mother, etc. All the while they secretly hate their husband and wish they had something better to do than their hair. These are the people who would never even consider the "D" word no matter how miserable their marriage. After all...what would people think!!!

I will never like these people. I will never be able to be friends with these people, because guess what? I am divorced! (gasp) My husband has been divorced twice! (oh dear lord in heaven above) I do not have a single piece of "fruffy decor" in my entire home. I have dragons in my kitchen and I LOVE IT. Most of them are mine, not my husbands. I wear big stompy boots on occasion. My kids are messy (meaning - normal), my house is often messy. I swear...a lot. When I go out to eat, I order food...actual food...with like food in it and stuff. I drink diet soda...a lot of diet soda. Mostly because it keeps me from drinking other things that are much more offensive to these people's delicate sensitivities. I don't care what is happening in so-and-so's life. If so-and-so wants me to know about their life, they can come talk to me about it.
I don't pretend that everything is perfect. I work outside the home. I am not a stay at home mom. I wish I was. I wish I could stay home and just take care of my kids. But life sucks and bills must be paid...so I work. My husbands entire wardrobe consists of black. He wears a skull ring and leather wrist bands, occasionally adorned with spikes. He is also the most amazing person I have ever known and one of the most spiritual people I have ever known...so suck it! A white shirt and return missionary papers does not a spiritual giant make...just so you know.

In short...I am a real person. I have scars and battle wounds. They make me interesting. And if you could stop trying so hard to be my BFF, and let your perfectly done hair down a little, you might become interesting too. Until then, you are just a facade sweet heart. Go play with your friends and leave me the hell alone.

Ways to piss me off...

Walk up to me and call me by my former name. Then follow that with "but that is not your name anymore! I heard you got divorced...what happened??? He is such a nice guy!!!"

Don't be surprised when I jam a fork in your forehead you miserable stupid moron!

First of all...I barely know you! What the hell???

Secondly...You have had, WHAT, like two conversations with him in your life? I was married to him for 12 years. I think I know who is more qualified to determine how "nice" he really is.

This is where you can kiss my ass.

1 month old

Dear Kaylee,

I read a blog where every month the blogger writes to her little girl. She started when the baby was first born and the little girl is now 4 years old. I liked this idea, I wish I had done this when your brothers and sisters were babies. I feel like I missed so much of their lives when they were little like you are. I don't want to miss anything else.

You turned one month old on Saturday. It is so surreal that a month has gone by already. I want time to slow down so that I can hold onto "little you" for a little while longer. Not that I don't want you to grow up, I am excited to see the beautiful girl you will become. I just want you to take your time getting there. You are doing everything too fast. You have put on a couple of pounds since we brought you home and your face is starting to loose that new born look. You can hold your head up really well and even your cry is starting to sound more like a kid and less like a new born. Please stay little for a while longer. Please...

You don't sleep particularly well, and I have done a bad job of teaching you how and where to sleep. Some of this comes from laziness. I am tired at night and it is easier to lay down with you than to stay up and get you to sleep in your own bed. Laziness is only one small part, the other is the truth that I love holding you. I love feeling you relax and cuddle up next to me. I love that you hold my fingers when you need comfort. You do this when I put you to sleep and when I feed you. I enjoy the idea that all you need to feel safe is being next to mom and dad. I hope this is always true. I want to soak up as much of "little you" as possible. Soon enough you won't want to cuddle with me. You will have too much to do and will be busy learning and growing. I can sleep then. For now, I just want to hold you and hold your little hands.

I love you little bug. I can't pretend that having you was easy. Deciding to have you almost ripped my heart out. It was such a big decision and there was so much to consider. I was so unbelievably happy when we finally agreed to have a baby. But then I got pregnant. I hurt so much and I was so sick little Kaylee; so much more so than with your brothers and sisters. Your Daddy was so patient with me, because I complained a lot. He took such good care of us. He loves us so much.

Right now you are sleeping curled up next to me and you are perfect. You keeping smiling in your sleep like you know something I don't know. I wish I could see into your little head and find out what is so funny. The light from the window is highlighting your hair. Oh my, you have so much hair. We have no idea where it came from. With the light on it, it looks auburn. And now you just woke up! You have the cutest wrinkly forehead! And these big dark eyes. I hope they stay dark. Your Daddy's eyes are my favorite and I really hope yours are like his.

Your hungry now sweet bug, so I need to go feed you. Please stay sweet and know that no matter how hard it was or will be...you are worth it!

Love,
Mommy

Reasons...

I watch him with her and I feel joy. He feels joy...she feels love.

And then I want to cry...

Because they have never known that from you.

Because you failed them in the most basic interaction a father can have with a child.

Because, no matter how he tries, he cannot fill this hole you made.

Because they deserve better.

Kid Speak...

John: You better decide fast or I'm gonna make you watch a dumb chick movie.

Brit: Awww...I don't want to watch a dumb chick movie!!!!