Aspirations of health...

As the one, maybe two of you that read this know, I have done an insane thing. I committed to my brother to run on his team next october. My husband is going to run to. So we invested in some good shoes and started training. This is my first real week of training. I am following the "training for novices" schedule on the Ragnar website. I decided today that I am going to blog each day, twitter style (gag), my progress. This is more for me than anyone else. I want to see my progress so that I can keep perspective and the goal in mind.

No excuses. I have a year. I will need the year.

Today- 15 minutes on the treadmill - ran for 6 of it. Longest run of my adult life.

ONE!!!

Dear Kaylee,

Holy cow! When did you become one? I sit here and contemplate the last year and I am amazed that it went by so quickly. It always does. People say that all the time..."they grow so fast"...and the fact is...they do. You are a great big one year old...and I am quickly losing my baby.

I know almost every parent has to accept that when they have a baby, they only have that baby for a very short period of time. Babies become toddlers, toddlers become kids, kids become teenagers, etc... It is the rules of being a parent. That is why, on the rare occasion I get asked advice about having a baby, I always tell the person to wait until they want a kid, because the baby part is such a short part of the life you will create. And frankly, while baby is cute, toddler to kid rocks!



It is so unbelievably fun to see you learn; to see the curiosity in you as you have figured out how to sit, then crawl, then pull yourself up and walk around things. Books are your best friend and you will sit for long periods of time turning pages and pointing out the pictures. You love to sit in baskets. Laundry baskets are like little ships to you. We put you in with a blanket and a few books and you will sit a read. Your brothers think it is great fun to take you for rides in the baskets. You giggle and jabber the whole time. Playing with you is so much fun, because you LOVE to play!

You love to boogie! Which makes sense given your genetics. Daddy loves music and always prefers to listen to music while doing anything. Mom and Dad will often dance in the kitchen while making dinner or cleaning. The big kids join in and you have found your groove lately too! All of the toys that you got for your birthday play music and you will dance along with any or all of them as they play. It is really quite cute! For the moment these toys aren't driving Mom or Dad completely insane...simply because they make you so happy! So, Grandma Porter isn't in trouble for buying you the really really really annoying talking/singing mail box.


The last few months, and your ability to crawl and walk around things, has accelerated your desire to be with and like the big kids. You always want to be where they are and play with them. Mom and Dad...well we just suck most days. Breena, Dana, Drake and Brit are where it is at! They have stuff...stuff you can get into...and they think you are still cute...so they let you get into their stuff! In fact, you have been so enabled that now you feel entitled to anything and everything that you can see! And when you don't get it...you make THE NOISE!

What is THE NOISE? It is hard to describe because it is more of a feeling than a noise. It is the sound you make when you are displeased with something. It could be anything...or nothing. We can never really tell what it is that you want. But when you make THE NOISE, we will literally do anything to make you stop. THE NOISE is a sound so annoying that it cuts to the very heart and soul. It could bring a grown man to his knees...and has! THE NOISE is even worse than the cry! Oh how we wish for the cry back! At least that we could stop with a bottle! THE NOISE is a sort of whine that you make incessantly, even after we have given you what we think you want! BUT...and I say that with my index finger pointed directly up in the air...we are on to your little plan! We have a way to combat THE NOISE...and it is called...THE CRIB! You are learning about time out! AND...the word NO! You shall not defeat us. For we are your parents and while we may have lost a few battles...we will not lose the war!

Luckily for us sweet bug, you are very smart and are catching on to what NO means very quickly. We are hoping that is a good sign and not just your way of collecting re-con before issuing out a blitzkrieg of toddler hell! You are the fifth kid...so just in case you were thinking we were tired and worn down from the other four...you should be warned. I have had 6 years to recover and regain my strength and Daddy is brand spanking new to the toddler world. We are not about to go easy on you...

About a week before your first birthday...maybe a little more than a week, but in the general time frame...you sprouted your first two teeth! FINALLY! I was really worried that there were no teeth in your head and we were going to have to explain to your first grade teacher why you were still on a liquid diet at 6. Seriously...I had nightmares. Thankfully the two on the bottom poked their way through on the same day. You went to bed with no teeth and woke up with two. Since then your baby senses have come alive and you have figured out that your mouth is for stuffing! You put everything in your mouth...like a normal kid! Again...I was having nightmares that I would have to explain to that same first grade teacher that not only were you on a liquid diet, but that he/she would have to feed you because you refused to put anything in your mouth! It was a little weird! But now...we all can relax, because you can now put not only food in your mouth, but small items off the carpet and garbage! Go Kaylee!

It is so fun to see you growing and changing. I have enjoyed seeing your big brothers and sisters develop and grow. Kids get funner as they get bigger and you are just like your siblings. I can't wait to see you walk, hear you talk, and listen to you jabber incessantly about sponge bob/dora/current obsession. Your giggle and baby talk makes every member of our home happy from Daddy all the way down to Brit. You connect us all together and for that I am so grateful!

We love you Sweet Kaylee bug! Happy Birthday!

Love,
Mommy

It makes you wonder...

So...I have nothing to blog about. Not that nothing is happening in my life. My life, much like your life, goes at a million miles per hour. There is barely time to sleep. It is just that...well...while busy and full...my life is rather ordinary. I work, I go to school, I have kids, they go to school, I am married, he goes to work. There you go...

Like I said...boring.

I decided that I wanted to make a list of "things that make you go hmmm." You know...like things that you think about...and in my case say out loud to the wearying of every human in my proximity...that have no real answer. Just make you go hmmmm.

Here is my list for your reading enjoyment. If it is not enjoyment for you...then why are you reading? hmmmmm

Why is it that as a child all you want is to be a grown up, but as a grown up you long for life as a child? hmmmmm

Why do coffee houses sell refillable bottles that say "for use with cold items only"? hmmmmm

That is all I have for the moment...but I am sure I will come up with more. I am thinking of making this a regular topic. So...if you have a hmmmm thing you want to share...leave it in the comments. All three of my readers would LOVE to hear from you!

Kid speak...Washington Edition

*driving through Oregon*

Brit - Look Mom...wind energies!!!

Economic frustration

I am wondering if you have noticed the same things I have noticed lately. Namely all of the economic crap that is blared at us on the news...that doesn't come to fruition? For instance, the auto industry is dieing right? There are supposed to be all of these "killer" deals. Dealers are just giving them away. Well we have been looking for a car. The car John drives is on it's last legs and we will need one before the end of the summer. So we have been looking...and I gotta say. I haven't seen any killer anything. The cars are the same price or more than they were just a year ago when we looked before. I see nothing killer out there accept how much they are asking for the cars.

Another for instance, the housing market and all of the refinancing options. Even with houses loosing value you can refinance at a lower interest rate right? Wrong. If you are responsible and have insurance on your mortgage and have made all of your payments, you don't qualify for a refinance. How frustrating is that.

So I am to guess then that the only way I can benefit from any of this Economic stimulus is to stop paying my mortgage, drop my insurance and buy a really expensive new car. That way I will have a brand new car and be able to drop my interest rate on my house a point and a half!

There are some very screwed up things happening...

seven...no wait eight...NO WAIT ALMOST NINE MONTHS OLD!!!

Dear Kaylee,

Ok...so you have a sucky Mom. This is probably something you should get used to. I will have moments of greatness where you will think..."wow this woman is together." And then I will have moments of complete and utter failure. I am human, and the sooner you realize that your parents are mortal the better I suppose.

So you are almost nine months old. I have no idea how you got to be that big...but you most certainly are. As of right now you have no teeth. I think this is the longest any of my children have waited to grow teeth. I am begining to wonder if their are teeth in there. A consequence of having not yet sprouted teeth has been a total and utter lack of wanting to put anything in your mouth...including food. Other parents I talk to wonder at your lack of oral fixation and wish their child was want to put items in his or her mouth. "What a blessing that is" they say. I, on the other hand, worry that this is some sort of illness that will manifest some day with your growing a third arm out the middle of your forehead...or something equally as distressing. So, for the past several months I have shoved every kind of food I could into your tightly clamped trap. I give you tastes of everything. From the bread in my sandwich to the curried potatoes we had at Royal India (two thumbs up!!!). At first you were less than enthusiastic about the oral olympics I was putting you through. You would clamp your mouth down so hard it would take two hands to pry your mouth open. After lots of practice, you are very excited about all of the new foods, and have found that you like the weird stuff as much as Mom and Dad. In fact, if it doesn't have spices and zing...you don't like it. The most exciting food adventure though was the day you realize that watermelon was good, and that you could feed it to yourself! You ate, several large peices that evening! We were both so impressed. Unfortunately, Aunt Stacie was less impressed the next day when the wonder of watermelon manifested itself in your diapers (I use the plural on purpose) and on your clothing.


You are sitting up my bug and have been able to for a while now. Though it sort of took us by surprise that you could. I was, once again, getting worried that something was wrong with you since I could not get you to sit up on your own. It wasn't until we realized that you actually could sit up, but just chose not to, that I stopped worrying. You love to be on the floor while playing. You roll and roll and roll, and stretch, and army crawl. The sitting isn't mobile...and mobile is where it is at for you. If you can't move "over there" you are one unhappy little girl. The most entertaining, and by entertaining I mean frustrating and painful, movement you want is when you want to be neither held nor set down. You want to hover in the middle ground somewhere between held and put down. Daddy would be most grateful if you would master your flying skill now to save his back from holding you in the hover position. Our codeine prescription is running out.

You have found the kitties...and the kitties are afraid. All except Pipen. He is more than happy to let you grab his ears and pull his tail. The poor cat is that starved for attention. I have been trying to show him more love since I realized this. Seriously though, you are much more interested in watching them grabbing them. The few times you have gotten a hold of Pipen, he has patiently waited for us to loosen your grip. He is a very sweet cat and will often come sit by you when you eat...just outside of arms reach.

Bug you are a delight to us. Your brothers and sisters adore you, and have mastered the changing of the diapers (at least the girls have that one) and the entertainment of you. Drake does his "crazy dance" while singing that makes you giggle to your toes. Brit reads you stories and plays peekaboo. Breena and Dana are great babysitters and take very good care of you. We are all happy you are with us.

We love you!

Love,
Mommy

A gigantic 6 months old

Dear Kaylee,

A few days ago you turned 6 months old. I know I am, once again, a little late with the blog thing. I have a fantastic excuse this time though! We were trying to get Drake's baptism and your blessing arranged and executed. It required an inordinate amount of house cleaning and long segments of time where your Mother sat around and imagined the worst. It was the second time we would be spending any amount of time with your siblings "other family" and my brain would not allow me to imagine this day going anyway other than badly. On top of that, your Daddy would randomly start breathing very deeply and get this I am going to throw up, pass out and then die look on his face. You see sweet bug. Your Daddy is a brave brave man, but he is very afraid to speak in public...out loud at least. He will publicly mutter from time to time. But standing up, in front of people, and then talking at the same time is something he dreads more than...well...many things (all bad).

I am very happy to say that everything went fantastically. All of the family members, yours and the other, were very well behaved. They even talked to each other in some cases. Your Daddy did a beautiful job on your blessing and did a great job baptizing Drake. Everyone behaved themselves...well...except you. You were very happy and cute, until it was time to bless you. Daddy held you and you were fine until the elders all placed there hands on you...and you freaked out. You cried, nay wailed, through the entire blessing. As soon as they uttered the word "Amen", you were over it. sigh

So...anyway

We are all very happy that the day went well and is over.

This month has been about food. I have to admit, I was not really motivated to get you to eat food. Bottles are very easy and highly convenient. I am extremely lazy. So fixing a bottle is an easy out when you are hungry. We started with the cereals, but we only gave them to you very occasionally. Then we moved on to vegetables. I gave you a couple veggies, but you seemed uninterested. I used this as an excuse to not push the food. You didn't seem to want it...why switch. Then one day, a couple of weeks ago, you must have had a growth spurt because you started eating 6+ ounce bottles every 2 hours. It was time for more substantial food. After a little coaxing and taxing all of Mommy's "get the baby on food" tactics, you decided that food was good! You eat everything placed in your mouth except peas. You clamp your mouth down hard and refuse them with an intensity reminicent of a person willingly die for their principles. I can't say that I blame you. Processed peas are horrible. Frozen peas aren't so bad. Hopefully you will acquire a taste for them in a few months.

You are a fantastic sleeper, hitting the sheets between 8 and 9 pm and not opening your eyes again until 7 or 8 am. It is awesome. You only vary from this on nights when we REALLY need you to sleep. Those nights you decide it is time to party like it is 1999. You will stay up till midnight or later and then wake up two or three times during the night...just as a check to see if we were still sleeping. Luckily we have discovered this loophole and remember now to assure you at bedtime that we absolutely do not need you to sleep...ever...at all. We remind you that you are welcome to stay awake as long as you would like. It seems as long as you know we don't need you to sleep, you are able to do so very well.


Sweet bug, you are adorable. While we loved to hold you and cuddle you; it seems you really prefer to lay on a blanket and roll around or sit in an excersaucer. You get so much attention from your sibbling and from your cousins. Aunt Stacie babysits you right now and her boys think you are their little sister...who was misdirected to the wrong house. So much attention and hands passing you around sort of drives your desire to lay or sit and play. You have almost stopped putting things in your mouth. Your little fingers will probe and grasp object, but you no longer explore them with your mouth. There is an intensity to you when you examine an object. It is amazing to see your focused. We so enjoy watching you.

I am excited to watch you grow more. You have already started the "inch worm" crawl and I fear we only have a couple more months before you get the hand/knee coordination going and you will be off. You are growing WAY too fast my sweet little girl. I really wish you would slow down. I know you are highly motivated to catch up with you brothers and sisters. It must be enormously frustrating to watch them walk, talk, and play. But, it would be a tremendous favor to your parents if you would decide to slow down...just a little.

We love you sweet bug. Talk to you soon.

Love,
Mommy

Awesome...like a hundred billion hot dogs sir!

As I may have mentioned before...we have four cats in our home.

I love my cats...for the most part. Lets face it, they are cats. For those of you who either own, or have owned a feline, you will need no more explanation than that last statement. They are cats. For those who have never owned one, everything you have read or have heard about cats is totally true. They have attitude, over run your home, and treat you with general disdain...unless it is feeding time at which point you become their most favorite person in the WORLD!!! They are cats. 'Nuff said.

Several times a year we have to "de-fur" the cats. It is a task that has to be done by me...because John has a very mild allergy to cats and performing this chore threatens to put him in the hospital. He can't even be in the same area of the house when I do it. De-furring is basically just brushing the cats. I should do this a couple of time a month. But... it is very messy and I am very lazy, so it gets done on an "as needed" basis. Spring time, and the subsequent shedding of the totally unnecessary winter coat, escalates the "as needed" to "code red". There is so much fur coming off of these animals it is unreal. So a few days ago, I sucked it up and did the nasty. I brushed all four cats.

We bought a new cat brush, and it is awesome. Check out the pics!!!


This is the mound of hair that I removed from the first cat...Pipen. I put my flip flops next to the pile of hair for reference.

This is the piles of hair after all four cats were done. This beach towel is a LARGE towel...So much hair came out of those cats it amazes me to look at. I didn't take a picture of my clothes after I was done. I was so covered in hair I had to shower.



This is the mighty and powerful "Defurminator" tool I used. I think this is the most expensive brush on the Petco shelf...and worth every single penny!

AWESOME!

Equal time...ummm no

I had a friend point out to me the other day that I tend to write a lot about my baby, but not so much about my other four children. It seemed a bit lopsided. She was pointing this out to me in a kind way, thinking that I might not have realized I was doing this. It was done with the best intentions. The funny thing about this conversation was my response to her, and her subsequent surprise. I know it is lopsided...and I do it on purpose.

Blogs are funny things. They allow outsiders an inside look into your life, and in some cases, your head. I enjoy some aspects of this. I have mentioned before how much I enjoy reading blogs. It is a little surprising to me that I also like to write on this blog. For whatever reason, I find it cathartic. I have little problem laying out my life and my thoughts in this medium. I do, however, have a problem laying out the lives of my kids. Hence, the reason you will see very few blogs written directly about my older kids. It is about respect.

With Kaylee, there are few boundaries. She is a baby. Her life revolves around her latest exciting discovery...like her feet. No invasion of privacy there! My older kids have lives. They are still young, but it is amazing to me how quickly they begin to have a need for their own space. To invade that space here, or really any public arena, feels like an exploitation. Those stories are theirs to tell, not mine.

So, for those few who might have been concerned that I don't love my older kids as much as my baby; you can relax. You will see the mommy letters on their birthdays, and the kid speaks. I will write about them when I feel the story relates to my life and how they impact me, but I will not write about them on a regular basis. This is the line that I have laid in the sand, and I will not cross it. I love them too much to put their lives on display for others amusement.

Ok...thanks for listening...you can go back to whatever you were doing.

5 months old...

Dear Kaylee,

You have developed a new way to comfort yourself. A few months ago we took away your binky. As I said in the last letter, you couldn't suck on it very well anyway. So it was best for everyone involved if the bink just disappeared. We were worried you might start to suck your thumb...well...that isn't what happened. You started to suck the inside of your arm. Actually, it isn't so much a suck as it is a lick. You lick the inside of your arm... We are so proud!!! At least it shows you are a problem solver! Unique at that.

This month has been a rough one sweet bug. You, and the rest of us for that matter, had been pretty healthy through the winter. But around the time the ground hog came out, we all got sick. Most of us anyway. You were the worst though. At first we thought you had RSV. That is a scary thing to have and we worried because you didn't seem to be getting better. You were so sick. Your cough went all the way down to your toes and racked you until you would cry from the pain of it. It was heart breaking. When you didn't get better we took you back to the doctor and he decided that it was probably pnemonia. Once you got on the antibiotics things started to turn around. It was good to see you smile again. We thought for a few days there that you would never smile ever ever again.

Once that was over, you were heathly for a few days and then started right into another cold. So for much of the month you have looked like this...


and this...


We are really looking forward to you being over these and for the spring to get here. It will be a good thing.

You are learning to sit up. You haven't quiet got the total idea, but you are coming along. You love to throw yourself backward, which ends badly everytime. I am hoping that soon you will discover you are actually doing that to yourself, and that it is not some mean trick your parents are playing on you to torture you for our amusement.

Another fun thing that you are doing this month is this...



THE BABY DEATH GRIP!!! That is what Daddy calls it. It looks harmless enough in this picture, but what you do...just seconds later...after the camera has clicked complete...is clamp down your fingers and dig your REALLY sharp baby finger nails into the soft part of the neck. You grab a handful of flesh and then squeeze and claw and...dare I say...tear at that vulnerable area of our necks. It is almost like you are going for the jugular! It is exquisitly painful and will bring your Mommy to her knees. The really bad part is that you don't let go. You just hang on there like...well...I can't think of what clamps on and doesn't let go...but it is just like that!

Another fun development...that is not at all painful for your parents...you have found your feet!



Well it is a littl painful for us...when we are trying to change your butt...oh the fun!!!

And lastly this month baby, you have this really cute way of holding your mouth...it is always open. If you aren't being feed or sleeping, your mouth hangs open. I know that babies explore the world around them with their mouths...so many fun things! But your mouth hangs open with an intensity that I don't remember in your brothers and sisters. Almost like you are trying to WILL the objects, people, food, air, etc around you into your wide open pie hole! I am sorry to report that your baby powers have failed you. Despite your best efforts, those thing will not simply move themselves into your mouth...you are going to have to use your hands.


Well, there it is sweet Kaylee bug, your are a gigantic 5 months old. We are so happy to have you in our family and we are REALLY glad that you found your smile again.

Love,
Mommy

Reasons...Conflict

For the majority of my life I have been very seriously handicapped by my inability to confront people directly. I hate conflict. It is just something that I have never been good at handling. I know people who are able to stand up in a fight. They allow their feelings of injustice and what-not fuel them into a verbal furry. They can express themselves very well in high conflict situations. It always amazes me, when I witness these people, how sure they are of their position. They are immovable in their belief that they are right and that other person is dead wrong.

In a conflict situation I tend to fold in on myself. It is very frustrating. I feel guilt on a very real level and will feel guilty about everything, even when I am not actually guilty of anything. I will feel guilty for simply disagreeing with someone. I will feel guilty because, even though they did something bad, there is one tiny little truth in their argument that sends me spiraling down a guilt tunnel. I will feel guilty just because I know what I have to say will make them feel guilty. OH THE GUILT!!! It is infuriating.

I was thinking about this today as I was dealing with the "dreaded X". He was upset over an upcoming event that is...well upcoming. It is a long story, but believe me when I tell you, the X knows all about my inability to stand up in a conflict. He knows it and he uses it. He manipulates the guilt in a way that still gets under my skin and makes me feel like so much less of a person. Like everything that has happened is entirely my fault and that I now have to pay the consequences for "tearing our perfect family apart".

To say that we don't get a long is an understatement. What is worse, is that he has such righteous indignation. He truly believes that he is completely blameless in our breakup. In his mind, I just wanted to go live it up like my single friends and be done with all of that married life responsibility. I made this choice selfishly and gave no regard to my children.

Side note: If that was true...why is it that I have been married for almost two years and he is still single???

I want to know how my conflict enabled friends do it. How do you hold it together and avoid the guilt? I hate that he still has the ability to manipulate me, and I REALLY hate that he does it to my kids. I want to arm them with skills to avoid dealing with this their entire lives. I only have to deal with him for a few more years. He will be in their lives for the rest of their lives, and he is not above playing head games with these kids.

I just don't want them to feel what I feel when I have to deal with him.

Kid speak...

Drake - "two more and I will have valentines for all of the people. Then I just need to do the ones for the girls"

Johns - "Drake, girls are people too."

Drake - "...oh...ya...your right"

Sick days...

A few days ago a friend of mine wrote about how Mom's never get to be sick. Illness comes and Mom's just have to pick themselves up and keep going no matter how bad they feel. I was laughing at that thinking how true that was...

We are all sick here. Well most of us are sick. Breena has had a terrible cold for weeks. Brit has a cold and now has pink eye. Kaylee has either RSV or Pneumonia (depends on which Doctor you ask) and is miserable. I have a head cold that is making me wish for an early grave. John is getting my cold... Drake and Dana have managed to remain healthy. We will see...

I remember when I was younger, before the kids. When I would get sick I would stay in my pajamas and stay in bed with the covers up to my chin and sleep. It was great. Even if there was no one there to take care of me, I could at least rest. Now that we have kids, as all parents know, it is IMPOSSIBLE to do anything like this. It just isn't in the cards to try and rest. Which is ironic I think, because the only real way to get over something is to sleep. But NO.... just as I feel a cold coming on one of the kids decides to fall ill. Which means that they are not going to sleep...consequently neither can I.

Even if they aren't sick, they still think that they need to eat, and have clean clothes, and be involved in activities...

I want to lay down and sleep so bad my head is just aching. But there are so many things to do and Kaylee just wants to be held. Valentine's day is in a couple of days so there are the obligatory card to complete for the kids classes. Drake has scouts tonight and Breena and Dana have activity days tomorrow that I need to finish preparing for. I have 14 loads of laundry to do and a sink full of dishes to wash. The cat boxes need to be cleaned, and my bedroom is unbelievable. I don't even want to think about what my bathrooms look like.

Being sick as the Mom sucks.