Imaginif...

...you had a person who had access to your children. This person took your children out of your care every other weekend. While the kids were with this person, rules were disregarded and laws were ignored. Like say...I don't know...maybe this person decides to take your kids hiking to the top of Mount Grandeur; in April... while there is still snow on the ground...in flip flops. Now it is not this person who is in flip flops....no way... they are wearing very warm comfortable climbing boots. It is your 7 year old little girl. What would you do?
Or lets say...hypothetically (oh right!) this person were to get a significant other. And lets say this person's car only sits 5. So this person puts said car up for sale and purchases a brand new car...that also only seats 5 people. But wait...you have four kids. The person...the significant other...the four kids...that is 6 people in a 5 people car. Two of the kids are being buckled into one car seat...OR one of the kids is being buckled in with significant other. What would you do?
And then...lets say that you hold physical custody and are responsible for the safety and well being of the kids...even when the kids are with this person...and you have asked REPEATEDLY for this person to act like a grown up and put the kids well being before this person's convenience...and the person ignores you. What would you do?

Seriously...what do I do? I have no idea what I am supposed to do to protect my kids when they are with their jerk ass of a sperm donor. He takes no consideration for their safety and it scares me. Every weekend they are with him I carry my phone waiting for the phone call from the emergency room. It is going to happen...sooner or later... I cannot sit back and wait for that day to come but I have no idea what to do. Anyone out there have any clue who I can call or what I can do?

Three months old...

Dear Kaylee,

Today you are three months and one day old. Sorry I missed it yesterday, but it was Christmas day and Daddy and I had better things to do than blog...wink wink! Just kidding...we broke out his new game Arkham Horror and managed to eat up about 10 hours playing it! It was way fun! But any way...you are three months old and a total kick in the butt! We are having so much fun with you. In the last few weeks you have figured out how to use your hands...sort of. You have figured out that your hands do things and it has been unbelievably fun watching you explore them and with them. You will sit for quite awhile grasping them together and then letting go. Then you will grab your left hand with your right hand and pull the fingers. It is very exciting for you. You bat things with your fisted hands and will pull our hands toward your face when we have a bottle or binky for you. Now this all may not seem all that thrilling for you to read about...or for anyone but me to read about. But I find the look of concentration on your face facinating. I am almost as facinated watching you as you are looking at your hands. You amaze me with how fast you are learning to do things, and with your determination to figure these things out. I hope you always have that curiosity and focus.


Tonight we are going to put you to sleep for the first time in your crib. It is a sad night for both of us. You have out grown the basinett and you need to learn to sleep without us...or maybe it is that we need to learn to sleep without you. It has been so fun having you in our room with us...we are both sad that you have to go. It is one more sign that our baby girl is growing too fast.
You are fighting your first real cold right now. Luckily it hasn't been bad, just a little runny nose and cough. The first time we had to seriously suck your nose out and you woke up coughing, you looked at us as if we had betrayed you. How dare we bring you into a world where noses get stuffy and your throat hurts? What a suckfest. It was funny to see the look of betrayal! I can only say to you truthfully that it gets worse from here. I wish that I could protect you from all the suckfest things in this life. But...unfortunantly...it is usually those things that teach us the most. If it weren't for some major suckfest things happening to both your Dad and I before we met each other, we probably wouldn't have gotten together...and we wouldn't have you. Your Dad saved me from a very sad and painful life...but without that life, I wouldn't understand how amazing he is and we wouldn't have your brothers and sisters. So see...sometimes the suckfests are worth it in the end.
You are sitting next to me on Daddy's lap gooing and making spit bubbles...your favorite thing ever. Your shirt is never dry! You are bright eyed and very interested in the tapping of the key board. You laugh so often and so completely. Your smiles involve your whole body. And now...you threw up on Daddy! Good job!
We love you little bug! You are a joy to us both. You unify our family!
Love,
Mommy

The best reason

Tonight is christmas eve. It is the night we remember the gift of our Saviour. It has become a little cliche to say "remember the reason for the season" and the constant nagging of our religious leaders to put Christ first sometime wears thin. I know and I understand how this gets old over time...I am cynical enough to get it. But...having said that...I wanted to write today, on this day of days, about why it is so important to me to remember him.
I am not the most religious person you will ever encounter. There are many things in my life that are out of line with the strict tenets of my religion. For any of you who read this blog with any regularity can attest...I have a problem controling my language for one. I have no problem following the BIG requirements...but it is the little ones that I have trouble with. Dispite my short commings and cynical...sometimes pessimistic outlook on life, I have an unwavering testimony of Christ. Today I share it with you...

I believe him. I didn't say that I believe in him, though I do,...I believe him. I believe he can do what he says he can do. I know that despite all my short coming and failings, if I continue to strive to overcome those aspects of me that are not what they should be, I will be saved through him. In those moments when I am weak, when the many mistakes I have made pile up at my feet, I am safe in the knowledge that he is with me. He takes it from me willingly. He suffered and died so that I might be able to learn from my mistakes. He can do that. It isn't some magical story or a theory not yet put into place. It is truth. He is my salvation...a salvation I will never achieve on my own.
On this day, I ponder what it was like for his mother...the fear she must have felt holding that baby. I believe she knew what was likely in-store for her son. I imagine there was an overwhelming desire to protect him and keep him from the hurt and pain that the world would put upon him. I have held my babies and thought of this too. My Mother-in-law once told me that it was a very good thing she wasn't in charge. Because there would be no way that she could allow harm to come to her beautiful perfect son. Not for all the world and the salvation of all mankind would she be able to let him be harmed. I echo that sentiment. I am humbled by Mary, and her strength. She allowed him to become what he needed to be, and she stood by and watched as he fullfilled his mission. How horrible that must have been, to watch your baby (even as a grown man) suffer as he did.
Then there was Joseph. The ultimate in step-parents. What an absolutely impossible situation for him. I can only imagine how hard it must have been when he learned of what was to come. What humility he must have possessed to accept the situation and to step up and be Mary's companion and Jesus' Father. I believe with all my heart the Lord blesses step parents. Their sacrifices go unheralded and their contributions are unmatched...because they don't have to be there. They choose to be there and take responsibility for children that are not their own. I have gained a deep and loving respect for Joseph over the last two years watching John with our kids.
I am grateful for the knowledge I have of these things. I am humbled by it. No matter where i go in my life and the choices I make, I am comforted by my Saviours presence beside me. I am grateful for the people that helped him to grow into the man he was destined to become.

I wish you, and everyone who maters to you, a peaceful and happy Christmas.

Kid speak...

Brit - Ummm Mom...Aunt Stacie has presents under her tree. See all the presents under her tree?

Me - Yes Brit I see them.

Brit - (nervously) How come we don't have any presents under our tree?

Me - Well....(pause for dramatic effect) because our kitties will chew on the paper if we put them under the tree. So they are locked in Mom and Dad's room to protect them.

Brit - (with great relief) So we have presents?

Me - Yes...we have presents

Brit - Oh good!!!!

Now playing

For school I was asked to make a training video that showed potential diversity issues in a work place. I asked a couple of my co-workers to help me and this is what was made. I post this mostly for my own amusement. Enjoy...

I pose a question...

Hello my fellow blogger, friends and those of you who lurk but never speak...I have my eye on you! I have finished school for this semester and am in Lay Back City for the next couple of weeks. It is great! I really don't know what to do with myself. As I was working today, I got to thinking about Christmas traditions. Ya see...we really don't have any. I mean we have things we do on Christmas and Christmas Eve...but nothing I would call a tradition.
Then I realized that I don't really have anything I want as a tradition. I sort of like that it is up in the air and I am not locked into any mold that cannot be broken. So my question to you is...

What are your traditions...do you like them...and why???

I guess that is three questions.

I would love to hear from you. Even you lurkers out there...Ya Stacie E...I mean you.

Kid Speak...

(Context - John and I are listening from another room while the kids play together)

Breena - "and my superpower will be indivisability!"

John to me - she doesn't allow things to be divided? Who is her nemesis going to be?

Me to John - The evil fractal and his side kick subtraction

John to me - YES! and their henchmen... the lowest common denominators!

The crazy economy

I couple of days ago my husband and I were out shopping for Christmas. We were at a local store getting a few last things for family members. As we checked out, the sales clerk hesitantly asked if we would like to donate to a charity that the store was sponsoring. She asked and then braced herself as if she was about to be either hit or at least verbally abused. It was subtle, but both John and I noticed it. We indicated that we would like to donate. Her response was "You do?" It is hard to convey the level of amazement in her voice. She was so shocked that we were willing to do this. When we got to the car, John commented about her reaction. It was so obvious to both of us that she had probably been told no...likely many times with an angry rant about the economy. It was also sad that so many people don't understand how much they must do these things...this year especially.
I am in no way and expert on the economy. I don't presume to have all the answers, but I do understand cause and effect. You see...if no one is buying anything...stores are not selling anything...which means people are not needed to sell anything...which means said people are not able to earn money to buy anything. It is a very vicious cycle. People loose jobs and we hear doom and gloom, so everyone starts holding back their money, then more people loose their jobs, then the government start taxing those of us with jobs to help those whom have not, so those with jobs who now must pay higher taxes spend even less...and more people loose their jobs. So...here is my thoughts on how to improve the economy... and it is nothing new.

If you got it...spend it.

Donate to the same charities that you give to every year. In fact, if you have a stable job and money to spend, count yourself lucky and give more than you would normally. My husbands company laid off 300 employees a couple of weeks ago. Thankfully we were not among them. We have counted our blessing ever since.
Now I am not advocating going hog wild and blindly spending what you do not have. No way. That is primarily what got us all in this problem to begin with. What I am saying is, don't hold back. If you have been waiting all year for "Dark Knight" to come out...go get it. When you grocery shop...buy the Oreos...just go ahead and buy them. The stocker will appreciate the job security. When you go out to eat...get the dessert...even if you have to take it home to eat later. Tip well if you can. The governement can try and fix this, but if the citizens don't put money into the economy...there will be no economy.
So...pay your bills, put a little in savings, and then spend what is left. It is more fun that way!

Two months today

Dear Kaylee,

Today you are officially two months old. You are so big! In these two months you have put several pounds on. You have grown more than is fair. I told you to stay little sweet girl. I am sure this isn't the only thing you will defy me on.
You have developed quite the personality. There are times when you are vocalizing, and I swear you have turned yourself inside out attempting to talk to us. You pull the cutest faces and you have absolutely no problem letting us know when you are displeased with something we have done. I watch you watching me talk and I can literally see the wheels in your head turning. You can see that my mouth moves and you mimic me trying to make the same sounds come out. It is all very exciting to you.

As amazing as it is to watch you, it is more amazing to watch your Daddy with you. This is a man who regularly rants about how people irritate him. He can be very dark and broody when he feels like it. When he is with you, it is like a light ignites in him. He giggles and goos. You can reduce this imposing man to a baby talking fool! He would stand on his head if it would get you to smile! Your baby squeals and jabbers make him laugh from his soul...and that sound is magical! It is healing and wonderful. I love to hear him laugh. I love to hear you laugh with him.
We went to have family pictures taken today. I had pictures taken of you when you were 2 weeks old. You really didn't like having those done, but I thought that it might have been that you were so young. Well...after today I think it is just that you hate to have your picture taken. You were happy before the pictures and happy after the pictures, but cried in almost all of them. So later in life, when you look at these pictures and in every one you are pulling a funny face, just know that we tried. You are such a beautiful little girl. You are going to have to get over this, because we are going to take LOTS of pictures.
Well baby girl, it is time to go. You are hungry and we are tired. You still haven't figured out how to sleep through the night. We would be eternally grateful if you would please get this figured out soon. Mom and Dad are too old to be this sleep deprived.
I love you with all my heart sweet bug!
Love, Mommy

My last day

Today is the last day of my maternity leave. I go back to work on Monday. It is so hard to face that reality. I don't want to go back. I have always worked. With my other children I worked because I had no choice. If Brent had to work, so did I...period. We were trying to buy a house and frankly I made more money than him. Now with John, although we have a house and all, I still have to work because one income doesn't cover the bills. I hate feminism.

I know that women fought hard for equality and for the right to vote...and I am grateful for their efforts. But seriously, what was so bad about staying home and being a good wife, homemaker, and mother. I guess I am just old fashioned, and seriously, I would have to have something else to do besides cleaning the house. Otherwise, I would get very depressed. But, I don't want to be a bread winner. I don't want to have someone else see my babies first. I missed everyone of my kids firsts. You know, like the first time they sat up, the first time they walked, the first time they spoke. Hell, I didn't even potty train my kids. My babysitter did. She got to see all of those things, not me. She was great and pretended that they hadn't happened, but I always knew when she had seen something before I did. I hate that I missed that and I really don't want to miss it again.

On top of that I hate that I have to miss things my older children do. I don't get to go on field trips and help in their classrooms. I have enjoyed the last seven weeks just being a mom. I haven't had to choose between my children and my job and it has been awesome. I don't want it to end.

Ideally I would love to work from home. There is just nothing that I can do from here that would give me as much money as I am making now. Being successful in my job has become a very double edged sword. I should have stuck to working at fast food restaurants and the candy store. Those places don't pay very well. It would have been much easier to quit these kinds of jobs to stay home. I had to be ambitious and go get a real job, with real benefits and a real retirement. What was I thinking??? And you know what, I love my job. I like the people I work with and the company I work for. It makes it a little easier to go back. But I look around my house and at my kids and wish it were different. I envy my sisters who don't have to work. I know that in some ways they wish they could work and look forward to the time when they can again. It is so funny...we always wish for the other don't we?

I will take a deep breath and head back to work. I know my sister will pretend for me and not tell me all the things she sees my baby do before I do. She will be the one to see my kids when they get home from school and hear all the exciting things they did that day. She will, in many ways, be their mom as she always has been.

Today she is 9.

Today my little girl turns 9. I cannot believe it has been 9 years since she entered my life. I always rolled my eyes when parents would tell me how fast I was growing. To me, I was growing very slowly and I couldn't wait to be big. I watch my kids grow now and I want to make time stop. I blink and another year goes by.

I am going to start something new. Since I was not with it enough when my older four were babies to journal, I am going to start now. My kids always ask me to tell them about when they were babies and what they were like when they were little. They have asked more often since Kaylee was born, so I am going to start writing to them. Today is Dana's birthday so I will start with her.

Dear Dana,

You are nine years old today!!! That is 108 months old! I remember the day that you were born. Mercifully you chose to come two weeks early! You were already a very cooperative child and I thank you. You were a surprise to us. I hadn't planned on having another child until Breena was 3 or so. She was 15 months old when you were born. You were so pretty. I remember thinking that when they placed you in my arms the first time. You had this tiny little nose and very petite features. It was obvious that you were a little girl. No one mistook you for a boy. You were so sweet and good natured. You even slept through the night the first night you were home with me!
We had two names picked out for you. Dana Whitney and Gillian Lhotze. Your Dad had a thing for wanting to name each of you after mountains. When I held you, you were so little, the name Gillian was just way too big for you. Dana fit better. Uncle Jared had climbed Mt Whitney with Brent just a few months before you were born. He left for Nicaragua on a mission just 5 days before you came. It was fitting that you be named after that mountain.
You were always so smiley! I loved to snuggle with you and listen to you tell me "stories". You would coo and gurgle and giggle. You learned to walk when you were about 10 months old. Which was very helpful because by that time I was pregnant with your little brother Drake. You all were in such a hurry to get here!
You were and are so different from Breena. When she wanted to climb and be overly active, you preferred to be calm and quiet. I could sit you down with a Oriental trading company magazine and you would look through it for hours. It was sometime easy to over look you because you were so calm and undemanding. I hope you never felt unimportant. You are and always have been so important to me. I worry sometimes that you get lost in the shuffle.
You are me in so many ways. I see a lot of my characteristics in you. We tease you sometimes about your sense of humor, or lack there of. I know what it is like to always look at things from a literal perspective and miss the joke entirely. You are so much like me. You think on a deep level and you are able to apply actual life experiences. You learn from life around you and you worry about people. I hope you never loose that ability. It is so important and you have learned it at such a young age.
I know that the divorce hurt you and I know that you still don't entirely understand why it happened. I hope someday you will be able to understand, but I think you will need to live a little longer before you can really understand why Brent and I couldn't stay together. You were always in tune to what was happening in our home. You asked me several times, months before we split, if we were going to get divorced. I wish I could go back and prepare you a little better for what was to come, but I didn't even know at that time where things were headed.
You are a joy to me Dana! You are one of the best things to have ever happened to me. Thank you for letting me be your Mother. I am sorry that I fall short sometimes, but I try so hard to be the kind of Mother you need. You make me a better person.




I love you my sweet Dewey!
Happy Birthday!

Love, Mom

He wins!

I am going to write today a blog that has been a long time coming. This is likely going to make you, my genteel reader, a little sick with the sappiness of it; and John, my husband and the focus of the blog, a little red behind the ears...he is so cute when he does that. I am sorry John, but this must be written. So here is your warning...

IF YOU ARE EASILY MADE SICK BY UNRESTRAINED SAPPINESS, YOU WILL WANT TO SKIP THIS POST!!!


There...you have been warned.

John and I have been married now for a little over 19 months. When I first started dating him, I really liked him, but I was just barely divorced and I worried that he might be just a rebound guy. I SO did not want him to be a rebound guy. But he was a single unburdened guy and I was a very recently divorced single mother of four. What could he possibly want with that messy situation? Luckily for me he was...

1 serious about dating me
2 very aware of the crap that goes through a persons head after a divorce
3 extremely patient
4 unwaveringly brave

I have spent a lot of time over the last year and a half or so comparing my life now to what it was before. I have come to learn that this is something that happens whether you want it to or not. John and I talk about everything and for a while, in the beginning, we even sort of made the comparison a game. We would start talking about various aspects of personalities, habits, emotions, etc. and decided who won in the various categories, the hat or John.

While I am not going to go into any serious details, I can honestly say that John wins. In every category. No matter how you break it down, no matter what angle you look at it, he wins. For me, he is perfect.

But you see it goes so much deeper than just simply "he is better than the last one". John is my perfect match. How's that for a rebound relationship huh! He is my heart and soul. Strange, how that happened, I never believed in that kind of sentiment before. I wanted to. I tried to pretend that Brent was everything I ever needed or wanted. It wasn't until I found John that I learned what that all was. In fact, I didn't even completely understand how screwed up my first marriage was until I was married to John. Don't get me wrong, I knew it was screwed up and that I was really unhappy. I wouldn't have divorced him if I wasn't feeling those things. But...it wasn't until I lived in this relationship that I have come to understand exactly how bad it was. I am still discovering things that were missing or completely wrong now, a year and a half later. And it makes me angry. I didn't hate him when I asked for the divorce. I was sad and overwhelmed by guilt, but I didn't hate him. I have come to hate him a lot over the last 19 months.

I said earlier that John was brave. Oh, this is not an overstatement. This amazing man took on a broken woman. I was seriously broken when we started dating and even the first several months of our marriage were an emotional roller coaster for him. I think in some ways I am still a little broken. I am trying to mend those parts of me, but it will take time and patients. Thankfully he has that as well. In addition to dealing with broken me, he took on 4 kids. My kids are great. But they are difficult for him in many ways. He didn't have kids before, though you could never tell. He is such a natural parent. He is a better parent than I am by a long shot. I am too bendable. I have terrible follow through and I forget that a parents job is to teach not just love. I loved my kids, but I taught them very little. They lacked some very fundamental skills that they would need later in life. He also understands that sometimes to teach, you have to let the hard lesson be learned. I have never been good at that. All my kids had to do was cry a little or look upset and I would back completely off a punishment. Like I said...I lack follow through. He isn't mean, though sometimes the kids think so. He is consistent. He tries so hard to make them understand that doing the right things the right way gets you nothing but good, and doing the wrong things is really really un-fun. He is brave, because he takes this on. He faces them unwaveringly. He listens to them rave about how great their Dad is, all the while it is John who helps them brush their teeth. It is John who gets up at the crack of dawn to get them to school. It is John who pays for dental work when Brent wouldn't. It is John who gets up with them in the middle of the night when they are sick or scared. It is John who will sit for hours and plays games with them. It is John who takes time off work to go to an important event at school. It is John who goes to every single parent teacher conference. It is John who loves them like a father should. I only hope that one day they will see and understand the difference between the man that they call Dad, and the one who really is a Dad to them. John is the bravest man I know.

I spent a great deal of my former life trying to find ways to be away from Brent. I went out with friends, to church functions, I worked late, I hung out at my parents or my sisters house. I found any excuse possible to not go home to him. Now all I want to do is be home. I have the best time with John. It doesn't matter what we do or where we go. As long as I am with him I am good. He is my best friend and really the only person I want to hang with.

I am so lucky! It is hard to accept sometimes that my life is this good. I get a little neurotic about it some days, like I am going to wake up and it will all have been in my head and I am back in my old life. Not that everything is perfect, we have our problems like everyone else. But I think it is as close to perfect as we can get. I adore this man. I adore everything about him. I love him exactly as he is and I hope to heaven that he never changes.

Funky...

I am in a funk today. I don't know why, but I don't even want to leave my room. My kids are home today, and I should want to go hang with them...but I don't. Today is Halloween and I should want to get all dressed up, even if I am just hanging at home...but I don't. I should get up and clean my house. I should finish my school paper. I should get dressed. I should want to breath in and out...but I really don't. Luckily my body wants air so it takes care of that despite my desire.

I hate these kinds of days.

About that last post

People are dumb. I shouldn't be a surprise to anyone, but people are also incredibly insensitive. What is it with people that makes them think that just because I once lived in the same neighborhood as them they know me. You don't know me. Frankly, most of you will never know me. I am not a touchy feely person who is going to open up about my deepest darkest secrets just because you acknowledged my presence. So you live next door or across the street, that doesn't give you free access to me.

I hate these kind of people. You know, the people who "love you" too much. Who just want to be "your friend". These are the people who stand out in their yard, or in the hallway after church and pass the latest gossip around. These are the people who give hugs every time they see each other and squeal over things like how "totally cute" your new shoes are. I don't need you to validate my latest shoe purchase! I liked them, whether you like them too is completely irrelevant to me. In fact the idea that you honestly like them gives me pause and the worry that I should reconsider my purchase. My brother once referred to these people as the "beautiful people". These are the former cheerleaders/ dance company participants/ aspiring interior decorators of the world. And they totally piss me off. These are the women who go to restaurants and order salads and drink water with a slice of lemon. These are the women who spend so much time trying to convince everyone, including themselves, that they are the perfect wife, mother, etc. All the while they secretly hate their husband and wish they had something better to do than their hair. These are the people who would never even consider the "D" word no matter how miserable their marriage. After all...what would people think!!!

I will never like these people. I will never be able to be friends with these people, because guess what? I am divorced! (gasp) My husband has been divorced twice! (oh dear lord in heaven above) I do not have a single piece of "fruffy decor" in my entire home. I have dragons in my kitchen and I LOVE IT. Most of them are mine, not my husbands. I wear big stompy boots on occasion. My kids are messy (meaning - normal), my house is often messy. I swear...a lot. When I go out to eat, I order food...actual food...with like food in it and stuff. I drink diet soda...a lot of diet soda. Mostly because it keeps me from drinking other things that are much more offensive to these people's delicate sensitivities. I don't care what is happening in so-and-so's life. If so-and-so wants me to know about their life, they can come talk to me about it.
I don't pretend that everything is perfect. I work outside the home. I am not a stay at home mom. I wish I was. I wish I could stay home and just take care of my kids. But life sucks and bills must be paid...so I work. My husbands entire wardrobe consists of black. He wears a skull ring and leather wrist bands, occasionally adorned with spikes. He is also the most amazing person I have ever known and one of the most spiritual people I have ever known...so suck it! A white shirt and return missionary papers does not a spiritual giant make...just so you know.

In short...I am a real person. I have scars and battle wounds. They make me interesting. And if you could stop trying so hard to be my BFF, and let your perfectly done hair down a little, you might become interesting too. Until then, you are just a facade sweet heart. Go play with your friends and leave me the hell alone.

Ways to piss me off...

Walk up to me and call me by my former name. Then follow that with "but that is not your name anymore! I heard you got divorced...what happened??? He is such a nice guy!!!"

Don't be surprised when I jam a fork in your forehead you miserable stupid moron!

First of all...I barely know you! What the hell???

Secondly...You have had, WHAT, like two conversations with him in your life? I was married to him for 12 years. I think I know who is more qualified to determine how "nice" he really is.

This is where you can kiss my ass.

1 month old

Dear Kaylee,

I read a blog where every month the blogger writes to her little girl. She started when the baby was first born and the little girl is now 4 years old. I liked this idea, I wish I had done this when your brothers and sisters were babies. I feel like I missed so much of their lives when they were little like you are. I don't want to miss anything else.

You turned one month old on Saturday. It is so surreal that a month has gone by already. I want time to slow down so that I can hold onto "little you" for a little while longer. Not that I don't want you to grow up, I am excited to see the beautiful girl you will become. I just want you to take your time getting there. You are doing everything too fast. You have put on a couple of pounds since we brought you home and your face is starting to loose that new born look. You can hold your head up really well and even your cry is starting to sound more like a kid and less like a new born. Please stay little for a while longer. Please...

You don't sleep particularly well, and I have done a bad job of teaching you how and where to sleep. Some of this comes from laziness. I am tired at night and it is easier to lay down with you than to stay up and get you to sleep in your own bed. Laziness is only one small part, the other is the truth that I love holding you. I love feeling you relax and cuddle up next to me. I love that you hold my fingers when you need comfort. You do this when I put you to sleep and when I feed you. I enjoy the idea that all you need to feel safe is being next to mom and dad. I hope this is always true. I want to soak up as much of "little you" as possible. Soon enough you won't want to cuddle with me. You will have too much to do and will be busy learning and growing. I can sleep then. For now, I just want to hold you and hold your little hands.

I love you little bug. I can't pretend that having you was easy. Deciding to have you almost ripped my heart out. It was such a big decision and there was so much to consider. I was so unbelievably happy when we finally agreed to have a baby. But then I got pregnant. I hurt so much and I was so sick little Kaylee; so much more so than with your brothers and sisters. Your Daddy was so patient with me, because I complained a lot. He took such good care of us. He loves us so much.

Right now you are sleeping curled up next to me and you are perfect. You keeping smiling in your sleep like you know something I don't know. I wish I could see into your little head and find out what is so funny. The light from the window is highlighting your hair. Oh my, you have so much hair. We have no idea where it came from. With the light on it, it looks auburn. And now you just woke up! You have the cutest wrinkly forehead! And these big dark eyes. I hope they stay dark. Your Daddy's eyes are my favorite and I really hope yours are like his.

Your hungry now sweet bug, so I need to go feed you. Please stay sweet and know that no matter how hard it was or will be...you are worth it!

Love,
Mommy

Reasons...

I watch him with her and I feel joy. He feels joy...she feels love.

And then I want to cry...

Because they have never known that from you.

Because you failed them in the most basic interaction a father can have with a child.

Because, no matter how he tries, he cannot fill this hole you made.

Because they deserve better.

Kid Speak...

John: You better decide fast or I'm gonna make you watch a dumb chick movie.

Brit: Awww...I don't want to watch a dumb chick movie!!!!

Introducing...

This is our new little girl Kaylee. She is an absolutely sweet little girl. We are so very happy and unbelievably blessed.

The kids are really happy, with the exception of Brit who is just disconcerted that she was not a boy. He wanted a boy. He is coming around though. We just hope is school teacher survives his adjustment period.

Kid Speak...

Dana - "I am being punished because of other kids"

me - "Wait...what do you mean your being punished?"

Dana - "I have to write this same sentence 68 times because other kids have problems"

me - "So your teacher is making you write lines because other students were bad in class?"

Dana - "well their hand writting is bad."

me - "So...this is a handwritting assignment...not a punishment?"

Dana - "It is a punishment for me!!!!"

me - "I'm sorry sweetie...school sucks some times!"

Dana - "School is fine...it is the assignments that suck."

I like this...

The crisp coolness in the air that means the heat and the sun are going away.

Pumpkin pie smothered in whip cream.

Being able to call my co-workers "me matey" all day long...and they play along.

Only 6 more days...and whether she wants to or not...she will be here.

Reasons...

accuse me of "dumping" things at your home when you are the hypocritical ass who dumps useless DI things in my home EVERY OTHER WEEKEND!

It was only one thing...

and you are supposed to be his father. Your supposed to care about him more than you.

At least he has someone who does that now...Thank Heaven!

Can we be done now?

I am 38 weeks pregnant and I was diagnosed on monday with a kidney infection. My little sister has problems with her kidneys. She gets regular kidney infections. I have never had one before. I now relate to her in a way I would rather not have. This is potentially the most painful illness I have ever had. It is escalated a bit because of my pregnancy, but holy hell. I had to be put on a strong antibiotic and a pain medicine both of which make me extremely sick to my stomach. I have managed to keep my small meals down today, but yesterday nothing stayed where it should. On top of that fun, I have this sharp stabbing pain in my back that actually runs the entire length of the left side of my body.

As if that were not enough all by itself. The baby has not slowed down her movements at all. She is kicking the crap out of me and I keep having contractions.

I am SO ready to be done with all of this. I want the pain to end. I want my body back. I want to be able to eat a meal without feeling like I am going to throw up afterward. I want this to be over with.

Kid speak...

Drake - "Mom...when are you going to let Kaylee out?"

me - "Drakie, I can't make her come out. She will come out when she is ready"

Drake - "Can't you just push or something?"

me - "ummm...it doesn't really work that way"

Kid speak...

Brit - "I wish I had superpowers."

Me- "Me too. What Power would you have?"

Brit - "I want the fowse...so I can open dows wif my mind"

Me - "Good plan Brit!"

Breaking Dawn - How I really feel

Ok. So I am going to preface this with a spoiler alert. I am going to speak about the book Breaking Dawn - Stephanie Meyer. I am going to do it in a way that will reveal all of the books plot points and secrets. If you wish to not know...DO NOT READ THIS POST.

Preface number two...my brother will enjoy this post way too much.

I enjoyed the first three books in this series. I thought she wrote compelling characters and had a good story - for a chicklit - which is exactly what these books were meant to be. I liked the twist she gave vampires and was ok that they weren't typical blood sucking fiends. So the fourth and final book in the series was released in August. There were parties, food, and fun. People celebrated in the streets. Thousands upon thousands of these books were sold in the first few hours. We finally had the end of the story. Oh happy day!!!

I was not among the festivities. Not because I am above such things. Heck no! I would happily dress up and party at midnight with fellow geeks at any number of sci-fi/fantasy events. I wasn't there for two reasons. One, I am extremely, uncomfortably pregnant. And two, because I just don't feel that way about these books. I liked them (note the past tense - foreshadowing at its best people!). I just wasn't in love with them. So, the day the book came out, I did get a copy, but then I set it on my shelf and figured I would get to it when I felt like it.

I finally decided last weekend to start reading it. Mostly because I was sick of all the spoilers I was hearing. I wanted to be able to sit in a restaurant and eat without having to plug my ears and hum while the ladies at the booth next to me loudly discuss the finer points of the book. So I pulled the book off the shelf and began reading. My sister Stacie, who is by the way an uber Meyer fan, did not like this book. She was good enough to keep her reasons why to herself so that I could decide for myself. The book is divided into three books actually. The first is about Bella and her wedding to Edward. The second is written from Jacob, the spurned best friend and former love interest's perspective. Then the third book goes back to Bella.

So I read this book... I HATED THIS BOOK! There are no lukewarm feeling here people. I hated this book with a bleeding passion that destroyed the entire series for me.

Stephanie Meyers has no depth...at all. Even a little. She is gutless and cannot allow any one of her characters to suffer at all. Even if it is for the greater good. She lives in LA LA land where everything is perfect and beautiful and magically everything works out. She should go and write LDS romance novels and stick to that genre. Because you cannot...absolutely cannot...write about vampires where no one gets hurt and nothing bad really ever happens. Get a new genre woman!

Through the whole series, she had detailed the many things Bella would have to give up in order to have her vampire. She would have to give up:

her life
her family
her ability to have children
her friendship with Jacob
her humanity
her free will (for the first few years) as she adjusted to being a blood thirsty vampire

That is a lot to give up. But she loved him so much and so completely, these sacrifices were worth it. Edward was her happiness, and she was willing to walk away from all of those things to have him.

So the fourth book begins at the preparation for Bella's wedding. The wedding is supposed to usher in her transformation to vampire as stipulated by the Voltari. This is an ancient vampire sect in Italy that has taken on the task of keeping the vampire realm hidden from the human world. Once Bella was aware of vampires, the Voltari required that she either become vampire or die. Bella wants to wait to become a vampire until she has experienced sex as a mortal. The only one she wants to do this with is Edward, who will not engage in such activities until they are properly married. He is an old fashioned vampire after all. Ok, they get married, leave to a private island his family owns, and engage in marital relations...which produce a CHILD! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? He is a vampire! UNDEAD UNDEAD UNDEAD! Not capable of inseminating someone. He doesn't even have fluids for hell's sake!

This thing is a half vampire/half human child who grows at an alarming rate. Within a very short time of the conception (we are talking weeks) the child is large enough and strong enough to break her bones and practically kill her. They learn that in order for the demon child to exit her womb, it would have to chew its way out. The birthing process would absolutely kill her. Of course they find a way to save her, by injecting vampire venom directly into her heart one moment before her death as the child exits her now thrashed and bleeding body. They save her and she is now vampire Bella. The baby? Oh the baby is sweet! The perfect angel who drinks blood. Everyone, I mean everyone is absolutely enamored with this child. Including Bella's best friend/spurned boyfriend/werewolf Jacob, who is hanging around these vampires because he is a masochistic moron. He IMPRINTS on the child. Which in Meyerland means he and she bond, on the day of her birth, and will absolutely end up being married and together forever! Oh happy day...EWWWWWWWWW!!! He is seventeen, she is an infant, and the off spring of the girl he has had naughty spank dreams about!

This made me throw the book. I had to walk away for a moment. Then I came back.

Bella, miraculously, is absolutely beautiful and doesn't seem to suffer ANY (NOT EVEN ONE) of the known side effect of being a newborn vampire. She is more graceful, fast, coordinated and in absolute control of her lust for blood. EVERY OTHER VAMPIRE ON THE PLANET HAD TO SPEND THE FIRST YEAR OF THEIR EXISTENCE MASTERING THEIR CONTROL, BUT NOT BELLA! She is just that good. On top of that, all of the human feelings, needs and desires that she was prepared to loose. NOT ONE was lost. She still felt the same as before, in fact those feelings were just THAT MUCH MORE INTENSE! paaaleeeaseee!!!!

So...lets keep score shall we. Bella had to give up a whole bunch of things to have this life with Edward right? The choice was worth the sacrifices that were required right? So lets review...

her life - well ya...but really going from a clutz to a beautiful, coordinated immortal...not really a sacrifice.
her ability to have children - nope! apparently not!
her friendship with Jacob - nope...he is gonna be an in law!!!
her humanity - nope...everything is just that much better!!!
her free will (for the first few years) as she adjusted to being a blood thirsty vampire - Nope...she is the ONLY VAMPIRE IN RECORDED HISTORY to not have to suffer this terrible first year of transformation.

her family - I am getting to this.

Her relationship with her father, who was supposed to be made to believe that she and Edward were killed tragically on their honeymoon, was supposed to be over. For his safety. The Voltari would demand his death if he were told about the vampires. Well, conveniently, Jacob goes to Charlie and shows old Chuck what a werewolf looks like. He explains a little about the crazy world they live in and explains, very vaguely that Bella is now a part of that world. And wouldn't you know it...Charlie doesn't want to know the details. He is just happy that Bella is happy and that she can be in his life. He decides he can live without knowing the details of what she really has become. He is just COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH HIS GRANDBABY! Who, incidentally at the age of three months has a full set of teeth, speaks in complete sentences when she is not using mind control, walks, and hunts prey! We find out later that poor old Jake will only have to wait 7 years for her to fully mature before he can get all up in that!

UUUUUHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! Bleck!

It gets worse from there. Seriously...it does.

Bella does not have to give up a single thing. The end of the book is a happy ending that would seriously make the Disney people throw up a little in their mouth. She didn't require anything of her main character which made her flat, boring and pathetic.

Mike was right. John was right.

I feel dirty...the stench of this book will live with me long.

The small stuff...

I am realizing lately that if you read this blog on any regular basis, you may think that I am a rather unhappy, somewhat indignant person. That is because I tend to write to vent. This is not a good habit. First of all, writing only when you are angry or frustrated scars the soul. Second, it gives the wrong impression.

I am blessed...amazingly and undeservedly blessed.

Over the last few weeks I have been reading a blog written by a family. This amazing family has been struck with a heartbreaking illness. Their 9 month old son contracted streptococcus pneumonia in the form of an ear infection that went into his brain and became an extremely damaging form of meningitis. This perfect baby is now left deaf, likely blind and with brain damage.

If this happened to me, I would spend many many hours crying and likely cursing my father in heaven. I just don't face tragedy with quiet faith and dignity. This family is quite the opposite. They have shared every moment of the last three months through their blog. If they are bitter and angry over what has happened to their child, it does not show through in their writing. I am sure they have their quiet moments where tears flow and anger surfaces, but they buckle down and face the challenges ahead with that faith and dignity that I know down in my heart I lack. They are amazing people and I have become addicted to reading their entries and allowing it to change my point of view.

I have four amazing healthy kids, I have a warm home and a perfect husband who I adore more than there are words to express. We are having our 5th child in September and as of our ultrasound she is health and doing great.

There are things that matter in this world...and there are things that just don't. Rob, the father of this little boy, said in one post that this trial has taught him the meaning of the phrase "don't sweat the small stuff." I am going to try to put these words to better use in my own life.

The most useless day

Today is April 1st...traditionally known as April fool's day. This is a day where people can engage in the pleasure of making an ass out of anyone they so choose. This day pits co-worker against co-worker, family against family and friend against friend.

I hate this day.

If there were one holiday I could erase completely from history it would be this day. It is likely I feel this way because on this day I take on the roll of the foolie rather than the fooler. I do not gain pleasure from making others feel stupid. I don't enjoy rubbing a well thoughtout prank in someones face. Maybe I just don't have the time on my hands that others do. I really don't like to be laughed at because I "fell for it". I mean...seriously...I am an easy target. It is not a challenge to get me with a prank. No one should pat themselves on the back for pulling a joke on me. I am amature material.

Three times in a one hour period...one by my CEO. He promised doughnuts. What heartless, souless fiend promises a pregnant woman doughnuts and then laughs when she goes to get it and there is none.

I hate this day....and now I want a doughnut.

My head really casplode this time!

Ok, so I went back to school this semester. I decided that I really needed to go back and finish that pesky Bachelors degree that I was never able to finish up before. Why.... it is not like I don't already have a job I love in my field. Well for Two reasons...

Reason 1 - I have this amazing husband who loves and supports me in every single thing I want to do. Seriously, for the men who may be reading this, you DO NOT want your wives to find out what my husband does for me and our family. It will bring shame upon you! You will look far beyond bad. Case in point. I am studying for school and blogging. John, well he has been doing the laundry, cleaning the kitchen, caring for the children and getting them ready for bed. And that is just today. I could go on, but I will save that blog for another day.

Reason 2 - My Father. He asks me on a regular basis when I am going back to school. It is really important to him that I graduate. He's my Dad....he has expectations.

So I decided to jump back in with both feet. It has only been 10 years since I graduated with my A.S. right?

I took BIOCHEMISTRY!!! What was I thinking!!! My first exam is on Wednesday and I have this terrible feeling I am going to be on the leeward side of the curve....ya know, the one that is more desert than lush forest.

I couldn't just start off easy. Take a regular biology class first, ease back into it. NO, I had to take the hardest class in my options to pick from. I have been studying all day. On top of that, I study almost every day. It isn't like I have been slacking. I have kept up on my reading, and I have attended all the lecture sessions and extra discussion session. (That is a first for me! Back in the day, I wouldn't have even crack the book until the day before the exam and I would usually sleep through the class. ) I have worked really hard to not only memorize what I need, but also really understand the concepts being taught. I even audio record the lectures so I can go back and listen to them again. I have listened to each lecture at least twice.

I still think I am going to fail. The Prof posted some old exams on line for us to look at and I couldn't answer half of the questions. I am in so much trouble.......

On a happier note, I passed the CQA exam I posted about last time.