5 months old...

Dear Kaylee,

You have developed a new way to comfort yourself. A few months ago we took away your binky. As I said in the last letter, you couldn't suck on it very well anyway. So it was best for everyone involved if the bink just disappeared. We were worried you might start to suck your thumb...well...that isn't what happened. You started to suck the inside of your arm. Actually, it isn't so much a suck as it is a lick. You lick the inside of your arm... We are so proud!!! At least it shows you are a problem solver! Unique at that.

This month has been a rough one sweet bug. You, and the rest of us for that matter, had been pretty healthy through the winter. But around the time the ground hog came out, we all got sick. Most of us anyway. You were the worst though. At first we thought you had RSV. That is a scary thing to have and we worried because you didn't seem to be getting better. You were so sick. Your cough went all the way down to your toes and racked you until you would cry from the pain of it. It was heart breaking. When you didn't get better we took you back to the doctor and he decided that it was probably pnemonia. Once you got on the antibiotics things started to turn around. It was good to see you smile again. We thought for a few days there that you would never smile ever ever again.

Once that was over, you were heathly for a few days and then started right into another cold. So for much of the month you have looked like this...


and this...


We are really looking forward to you being over these and for the spring to get here. It will be a good thing.

You are learning to sit up. You haven't quiet got the total idea, but you are coming along. You love to throw yourself backward, which ends badly everytime. I am hoping that soon you will discover you are actually doing that to yourself, and that it is not some mean trick your parents are playing on you to torture you for our amusement.

Another fun thing that you are doing this month is this...



THE BABY DEATH GRIP!!! That is what Daddy calls it. It looks harmless enough in this picture, but what you do...just seconds later...after the camera has clicked complete...is clamp down your fingers and dig your REALLY sharp baby finger nails into the soft part of the neck. You grab a handful of flesh and then squeeze and claw and...dare I say...tear at that vulnerable area of our necks. It is almost like you are going for the jugular! It is exquisitly painful and will bring your Mommy to her knees. The really bad part is that you don't let go. You just hang on there like...well...I can't think of what clamps on and doesn't let go...but it is just like that!

Another fun development...that is not at all painful for your parents...you have found your feet!



Well it is a littl painful for us...when we are trying to change your butt...oh the fun!!!

And lastly this month baby, you have this really cute way of holding your mouth...it is always open. If you aren't being feed or sleeping, your mouth hangs open. I know that babies explore the world around them with their mouths...so many fun things! But your mouth hangs open with an intensity that I don't remember in your brothers and sisters. Almost like you are trying to WILL the objects, people, food, air, etc around you into your wide open pie hole! I am sorry to report that your baby powers have failed you. Despite your best efforts, those thing will not simply move themselves into your mouth...you are going to have to use your hands.


Well, there it is sweet Kaylee bug, your are a gigantic 5 months old. We are so happy to have you in our family and we are REALLY glad that you found your smile again.

Love,
Mommy

Reasons...Conflict

For the majority of my life I have been very seriously handicapped by my inability to confront people directly. I hate conflict. It is just something that I have never been good at handling. I know people who are able to stand up in a fight. They allow their feelings of injustice and what-not fuel them into a verbal furry. They can express themselves very well in high conflict situations. It always amazes me, when I witness these people, how sure they are of their position. They are immovable in their belief that they are right and that other person is dead wrong.

In a conflict situation I tend to fold in on myself. It is very frustrating. I feel guilt on a very real level and will feel guilty about everything, even when I am not actually guilty of anything. I will feel guilty for simply disagreeing with someone. I will feel guilty because, even though they did something bad, there is one tiny little truth in their argument that sends me spiraling down a guilt tunnel. I will feel guilty just because I know what I have to say will make them feel guilty. OH THE GUILT!!! It is infuriating.

I was thinking about this today as I was dealing with the "dreaded X". He was upset over an upcoming event that is...well upcoming. It is a long story, but believe me when I tell you, the X knows all about my inability to stand up in a conflict. He knows it and he uses it. He manipulates the guilt in a way that still gets under my skin and makes me feel like so much less of a person. Like everything that has happened is entirely my fault and that I now have to pay the consequences for "tearing our perfect family apart".

To say that we don't get a long is an understatement. What is worse, is that he has such righteous indignation. He truly believes that he is completely blameless in our breakup. In his mind, I just wanted to go live it up like my single friends and be done with all of that married life responsibility. I made this choice selfishly and gave no regard to my children.

Side note: If that was true...why is it that I have been married for almost two years and he is still single???

I want to know how my conflict enabled friends do it. How do you hold it together and avoid the guilt? I hate that he still has the ability to manipulate me, and I REALLY hate that he does it to my kids. I want to arm them with skills to avoid dealing with this their entire lives. I only have to deal with him for a few more years. He will be in their lives for the rest of their lives, and he is not above playing head games with these kids.

I just don't want them to feel what I feel when I have to deal with him.

Kid speak...

Drake - "two more and I will have valentines for all of the people. Then I just need to do the ones for the girls"

Johns - "Drake, girls are people too."

Drake - "...oh...ya...your right"

Sick days...

A few days ago a friend of mine wrote about how Mom's never get to be sick. Illness comes and Mom's just have to pick themselves up and keep going no matter how bad they feel. I was laughing at that thinking how true that was...

We are all sick here. Well most of us are sick. Breena has had a terrible cold for weeks. Brit has a cold and now has pink eye. Kaylee has either RSV or Pneumonia (depends on which Doctor you ask) and is miserable. I have a head cold that is making me wish for an early grave. John is getting my cold... Drake and Dana have managed to remain healthy. We will see...

I remember when I was younger, before the kids. When I would get sick I would stay in my pajamas and stay in bed with the covers up to my chin and sleep. It was great. Even if there was no one there to take care of me, I could at least rest. Now that we have kids, as all parents know, it is IMPOSSIBLE to do anything like this. It just isn't in the cards to try and rest. Which is ironic I think, because the only real way to get over something is to sleep. But NO.... just as I feel a cold coming on one of the kids decides to fall ill. Which means that they are not going to sleep...consequently neither can I.

Even if they aren't sick, they still think that they need to eat, and have clean clothes, and be involved in activities...

I want to lay down and sleep so bad my head is just aching. But there are so many things to do and Kaylee just wants to be held. Valentine's day is in a couple of days so there are the obligatory card to complete for the kids classes. Drake has scouts tonight and Breena and Dana have activity days tomorrow that I need to finish preparing for. I have 14 loads of laundry to do and a sink full of dishes to wash. The cat boxes need to be cleaned, and my bedroom is unbelievable. I don't even want to think about what my bathrooms look like.

Being sick as the Mom sucks.

Reasons...

You STILL cannot safely buckle your children into your vehicle when your girl friend is there. Six people and only five restraints. Was it that you could not afford a 7 passenger vehicle? Or that you could not be bothered to worry about anyone else but yourself? I am guessing the latter.

You cannot manage to pay for a seat belt for everyone...but you sure as hell can afford these.




Custom wheels. Seriously???

I bet their step father would LOVE to drive a snazzy sporty vehicle. In fact I know he would. But he doesn't...because he puts YOUR CHILDREN and their well being ahead of his own personal desires.

Because that is what good parents do.

I guess we all know where that puts you.

"I am so LONELY!!!"

I have always been an animal lover. People who know me can attest to that. I like 'em all. Flying, slithering, scaly, wet, furry, dry...whatever. The only things that I won't house are spiders or insects. These are not pets...they are pests (note the extra "s"). I squish them and leave their mangled corps on the wall as a warning to the others in the area. I cannot get behind keeping them as pets.

BUT ANYWAY...

Some people are cat people...others are Dog people...and most times you are either one or the other. John is a cat person. I like dogs a lot, but enjoy cats now because they fit very nicely into our lifestyle. They only require about 5-10 minutes of actual attention a day. Other than that...they really don't care if you exist. Dogs...they need CONSTANT love an attention or they start eating things...like your furniture. They are needy and neurotic. We work and we have five kids and one ex-husband with visitation...so we run around quite a bit and are not home. My life style has forced me to become a certified cat person. But luckily (or not so luckily) I have a cat that acts more like dog than he should.

I give you Pipen. He is our 2 year old siameseish cat. He is the first kitten that I picked out. We now have four cats. The other three are normal cats. Eat, sleep, litter box, rub against your leg, look at you with disdain... ya know...normal cat. Not Pipen. He is not a normal cat.


He plays fetch.

He obsesses over things

He talks and whines to us all day long

He cannot handle change in anyway

He does naughty things when he is not being paid attention to

When we brought Kaylee home from the hospital two members of our household had problems adjusting; Brit and Pipen. Brit has adjusted and is over it; he was over it about a month after she was born. Pipen is STILL not over it.

He has these little batting toys he plays with. If you throw it for him, he will chase it, pick it up and bring it back to you. Just like a dog. He will do this for hours! As long as you throw it...he will bring it back. If you stop playing with him, he will follow you around with the toy in his mouth begging you to play with him... just like a dog.

He bats that stupid toy under the stove EVERYDAY. Then he lays next to the stove and whines until I pull out the drawer and get the toy out for him... sound like another kind of animal??? I think so too.

He likes to jump behind the TV. We have this big entertainment center with closing cabinet doors. To get behind the cabinet he has to jump up on the TV and then slither between the cutout opening in the cabinet. He then proceeds to chew on the cords to Johns XBOX 360. This is bad, because if the cord plastic isn't in place the cords could actually start a fire. Not to mention the electrical current could hurt the cat. He has gotten in trouble for jumping back there SO MANY times. No matter what we do to punish him or deter him from going back there...he obsesses about doing it again. Every time he walks in front of the cabinet, he pauses to look up and you can see his legs getting ready to leap. We yell "Pipen!!!" and he runs away. Sure as the sun will rise...he comes back a few minutes later to try again. He does this over and over and over and over again. It is maddening!!!

This cat is the strangest cat I have ever known. He is extremely cute and such a beautiful cat...but I think he must have done something wrong in a past life. He was a dog and he pissed someone off and was cursed to come back as his arch nemesis...and he has NO IDEA how to be a cat!!! He just wants someone to HOLD HIM!!!!

He may need Prozac!!!