1 month old

Dear Kaylee,

I read a blog where every month the blogger writes to her little girl. She started when the baby was first born and the little girl is now 4 years old. I liked this idea, I wish I had done this when your brothers and sisters were babies. I feel like I missed so much of their lives when they were little like you are. I don't want to miss anything else.

You turned one month old on Saturday. It is so surreal that a month has gone by already. I want time to slow down so that I can hold onto "little you" for a little while longer. Not that I don't want you to grow up, I am excited to see the beautiful girl you will become. I just want you to take your time getting there. You are doing everything too fast. You have put on a couple of pounds since we brought you home and your face is starting to loose that new born look. You can hold your head up really well and even your cry is starting to sound more like a kid and less like a new born. Please stay little for a while longer. Please...

You don't sleep particularly well, and I have done a bad job of teaching you how and where to sleep. Some of this comes from laziness. I am tired at night and it is easier to lay down with you than to stay up and get you to sleep in your own bed. Laziness is only one small part, the other is the truth that I love holding you. I love feeling you relax and cuddle up next to me. I love that you hold my fingers when you need comfort. You do this when I put you to sleep and when I feed you. I enjoy the idea that all you need to feel safe is being next to mom and dad. I hope this is always true. I want to soak up as much of "little you" as possible. Soon enough you won't want to cuddle with me. You will have too much to do and will be busy learning and growing. I can sleep then. For now, I just want to hold you and hold your little hands.

I love you little bug. I can't pretend that having you was easy. Deciding to have you almost ripped my heart out. It was such a big decision and there was so much to consider. I was so unbelievably happy when we finally agreed to have a baby. But then I got pregnant. I hurt so much and I was so sick little Kaylee; so much more so than with your brothers and sisters. Your Daddy was so patient with me, because I complained a lot. He took such good care of us. He loves us so much.

Right now you are sleeping curled up next to me and you are perfect. You keeping smiling in your sleep like you know something I don't know. I wish I could see into your little head and find out what is so funny. The light from the window is highlighting your hair. Oh my, you have so much hair. We have no idea where it came from. With the light on it, it looks auburn. And now you just woke up! You have the cutest wrinkly forehead! And these big dark eyes. I hope they stay dark. Your Daddy's eyes are my favorite and I really hope yours are like his.

Your hungry now sweet bug, so I need to go feed you. Please stay sweet and know that no matter how hard it was or will be...you are worth it!

Love,
Mommy