My last day

Today is the last day of my maternity leave. I go back to work on Monday. It is so hard to face that reality. I don't want to go back. I have always worked. With my other children I worked because I had no choice. If Brent had to work, so did I...period. We were trying to buy a house and frankly I made more money than him. Now with John, although we have a house and all, I still have to work because one income doesn't cover the bills. I hate feminism.

I know that women fought hard for equality and for the right to vote...and I am grateful for their efforts. But seriously, what was so bad about staying home and being a good wife, homemaker, and mother. I guess I am just old fashioned, and seriously, I would have to have something else to do besides cleaning the house. Otherwise, I would get very depressed. But, I don't want to be a bread winner. I don't want to have someone else see my babies first. I missed everyone of my kids firsts. You know, like the first time they sat up, the first time they walked, the first time they spoke. Hell, I didn't even potty train my kids. My babysitter did. She got to see all of those things, not me. She was great and pretended that they hadn't happened, but I always knew when she had seen something before I did. I hate that I missed that and I really don't want to miss it again.

On top of that I hate that I have to miss things my older children do. I don't get to go on field trips and help in their classrooms. I have enjoyed the last seven weeks just being a mom. I haven't had to choose between my children and my job and it has been awesome. I don't want it to end.

Ideally I would love to work from home. There is just nothing that I can do from here that would give me as much money as I am making now. Being successful in my job has become a very double edged sword. I should have stuck to working at fast food restaurants and the candy store. Those places don't pay very well. It would have been much easier to quit these kinds of jobs to stay home. I had to be ambitious and go get a real job, with real benefits and a real retirement. What was I thinking??? And you know what, I love my job. I like the people I work with and the company I work for. It makes it a little easier to go back. But I look around my house and at my kids and wish it were different. I envy my sisters who don't have to work. I know that in some ways they wish they could work and look forward to the time when they can again. It is so funny...we always wish for the other don't we?

I will take a deep breath and head back to work. I know my sister will pretend for me and not tell me all the things she sees my baby do before I do. She will be the one to see my kids when they get home from school and hear all the exciting things they did that day. She will, in many ways, be their mom as she always has been.