Ok. So I am going to preface this with a spoiler alert. I am going to speak about the book Breaking Dawn - Stephanie Meyer. I am going to do it in a way that will reveal all of the books plot points and secrets. If you wish to not know...DO NOT READ THIS POST.
Preface number two...my brother will enjoy this post way too much.
I enjoyed the first three books in this series. I thought she wrote compelling characters and had a good story - for a chicklit - which is exactly what these books were meant to be. I liked the twist she gave vampires and was ok that they weren't typical blood sucking fiends. So the fourth and final book in the series was released in August. There were parties, food, and fun. People celebrated in the streets. Thousands upon thousands of these books were sold in the first few hours. We finally had the end of the story. Oh happy day!!!
I was not among the festivities. Not because I am above such things. Heck no! I would happily dress up and party at midnight with fellow geeks at any number of sci-fi/fantasy events. I wasn't there for two reasons. One, I am extremely, uncomfortably pregnant. And two, because I just don't feel that way about these books. I liked them (note the past tense - foreshadowing at its best people!). I just wasn't in love with them. So, the day the book came out, I did get a copy, but then I set it on my shelf and figured I would get to it when I felt like it.
I finally decided last weekend to start reading it. Mostly because I was sick of all the spoilers I was hearing. I wanted to be able to sit in a restaurant and eat without having to plug my ears and hum while the ladies at the booth next to me loudly discuss the finer points of the book. So I pulled the book off the shelf and began reading. My sister Stacie, who is by the way an uber Meyer fan, did not like this book. She was good enough to keep her reasons why to herself so that I could decide for myself. The book is divided into three books actually. The first is about Bella and her wedding to Edward. The second is written from Jacob, the spurned best friend and former love interest's perspective. Then the third book goes back to Bella.
So I read this book... I HATED THIS BOOK! There are no lukewarm feeling here people. I hated this book with a bleeding passion that destroyed the entire series for me.
Stephanie Meyers has no depth...at all. Even a little. She is gutless and cannot allow any one of her characters to suffer at all. Even if it is for the greater good. She lives in LA LA land where everything is perfect and beautiful and magically everything works out. She should go and write LDS romance novels and stick to that genre. Because you cannot...absolutely cannot...write about vampires where no one gets hurt and nothing bad really ever happens. Get a new genre woman!
Through the whole series, she had detailed the many things Bella would have to give up in order to have her vampire. She would have to give up:
her life
her family
her ability to have children
her friendship with Jacob
her humanity
her free will (for the first few years) as she adjusted to being a blood thirsty vampire
That is a lot to give up. But she loved him so much and so completely, these sacrifices were worth it. Edward was her happiness, and she was willing to walk away from all of those things to have him.
So the fourth book begins at the preparation for Bella's wedding. The wedding is supposed to usher in her transformation to vampire as stipulated by the Voltari. This is an ancient vampire sect in Italy that has taken on the task of keeping the vampire realm hidden from the human world. Once Bella was aware of vampires, the Voltari required that she either become vampire or die. Bella wants to wait to become a vampire until she has experienced sex as a mortal. The only one she wants to do this with is Edward, who will not engage in such activities until they are properly married. He is an old fashioned vampire after all. Ok, they get married, leave to a private island his family owns, and engage in marital relations...which produce a CHILD! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? He is a vampire! UNDEAD UNDEAD UNDEAD! Not capable of inseminating someone. He doesn't even have fluids for hell's sake!
This thing is a half vampire/half human child who grows at an alarming rate. Within a very short time of the conception (we are talking weeks) the child is large enough and strong enough to break her bones and practically kill her. They learn that in order for the demon child to exit her womb, it would have to chew its way out. The birthing process would absolutely kill her. Of course they find a way to save her, by injecting vampire venom directly into her heart one moment before her death as the child exits her now thrashed and bleeding body. They save her and she is now vampire Bella. The baby? Oh the baby is sweet! The perfect angel who drinks blood. Everyone, I mean everyone is absolutely enamored with this child. Including Bella's best friend/spurned boyfriend/werewolf Jacob, who is hanging around these vampires because he is a masochistic moron. He IMPRINTS on the child. Which in Meyerland means he and she bond, on the day of her birth, and will absolutely end up being married and together forever! Oh happy day...EWWWWWWWWW!!! He is seventeen, she is an infant, and the off spring of the girl he has had naughty spank dreams about!
This made me throw the book. I had to walk away for a moment. Then I came back.
Bella, miraculously, is absolutely beautiful and doesn't seem to suffer ANY (NOT EVEN ONE) of the known side effect of being a newborn vampire. She is more graceful, fast, coordinated and in absolute control of her lust for blood. EVERY OTHER VAMPIRE ON THE PLANET HAD TO SPEND THE FIRST YEAR OF THEIR EXISTENCE MASTERING THEIR CONTROL, BUT NOT BELLA! She is just that good. On top of that, all of the human feelings, needs and desires that she was prepared to loose. NOT ONE was lost. She still felt the same as before, in fact those feelings were just THAT MUCH MORE INTENSE! paaaleeeaseee!!!!
So...lets keep score shall we. Bella had to give up a whole bunch of things to have this life with Edward right? The choice was worth the sacrifices that were required right? So lets review...
her life - well ya...but really going from a clutz to a beautiful, coordinated immortal...not really a sacrifice.
her ability to have children - nope! apparently not!
her friendship with Jacob - nope...he is gonna be an in law!!!
her humanity - nope...everything is just that much better!!!
her free will (for the first few years) as she adjusted to being a blood thirsty vampire - Nope...she is the ONLY VAMPIRE IN RECORDED HISTORY to not have to suffer this terrible first year of transformation.
her family - I am getting to this.
Her relationship with her father, who was supposed to be made to believe that she and Edward were killed tragically on their honeymoon, was supposed to be over. For his safety. The Voltari would demand his death if he were told about the vampires. Well, conveniently, Jacob goes to Charlie and shows old Chuck what a werewolf looks like. He explains a little about the crazy world they live in and explains, very vaguely that Bella is now a part of that world. And wouldn't you know it...Charlie doesn't want to know the details. He is just happy that Bella is happy and that she can be in his life. He decides he can live without knowing the details of what she really has become. He is just COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH HIS GRANDBABY! Who, incidentally at the age of three months has a full set of teeth, speaks in complete sentences when she is not using mind control, walks, and hunts prey! We find out later that poor old Jake will only have to wait 7 years for her to fully mature before he can get all up in that!
UUUUUHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! Bleck!
It gets worse from there. Seriously...it does.
Bella does not have to give up a single thing. The end of the book is a happy ending that would seriously make the Disney people throw up a little in their mouth. She didn't require anything of her main character which made her flat, boring and pathetic.
Mike was right. John was right.
I feel dirty...the stench of this book will live with me long.
Preface number two...my brother will enjoy this post way too much.
I enjoyed the first three books in this series. I thought she wrote compelling characters and had a good story - for a chicklit - which is exactly what these books were meant to be. I liked the twist she gave vampires and was ok that they weren't typical blood sucking fiends. So the fourth and final book in the series was released in August. There were parties, food, and fun. People celebrated in the streets. Thousands upon thousands of these books were sold in the first few hours. We finally had the end of the story. Oh happy day!!!
I was not among the festivities. Not because I am above such things. Heck no! I would happily dress up and party at midnight with fellow geeks at any number of sci-fi/fantasy events. I wasn't there for two reasons. One, I am extremely, uncomfortably pregnant. And two, because I just don't feel that way about these books. I liked them (note the past tense - foreshadowing at its best people!). I just wasn't in love with them. So, the day the book came out, I did get a copy, but then I set it on my shelf and figured I would get to it when I felt like it.
I finally decided last weekend to start reading it. Mostly because I was sick of all the spoilers I was hearing. I wanted to be able to sit in a restaurant and eat without having to plug my ears and hum while the ladies at the booth next to me loudly discuss the finer points of the book. So I pulled the book off the shelf and began reading. My sister Stacie, who is by the way an uber Meyer fan, did not like this book. She was good enough to keep her reasons why to herself so that I could decide for myself. The book is divided into three books actually. The first is about Bella and her wedding to Edward. The second is written from Jacob, the spurned best friend and former love interest's perspective. Then the third book goes back to Bella.
So I read this book... I HATED THIS BOOK! There are no lukewarm feeling here people. I hated this book with a bleeding passion that destroyed the entire series for me.
Stephanie Meyers has no depth...at all. Even a little. She is gutless and cannot allow any one of her characters to suffer at all. Even if it is for the greater good. She lives in LA LA land where everything is perfect and beautiful and magically everything works out. She should go and write LDS romance novels and stick to that genre. Because you cannot...absolutely cannot...write about vampires where no one gets hurt and nothing bad really ever happens. Get a new genre woman!
Through the whole series, she had detailed the many things Bella would have to give up in order to have her vampire. She would have to give up:
her life
her family
her ability to have children
her friendship with Jacob
her humanity
her free will (for the first few years) as she adjusted to being a blood thirsty vampire
That is a lot to give up. But she loved him so much and so completely, these sacrifices were worth it. Edward was her happiness, and she was willing to walk away from all of those things to have him.
So the fourth book begins at the preparation for Bella's wedding. The wedding is supposed to usher in her transformation to vampire as stipulated by the Voltari. This is an ancient vampire sect in Italy that has taken on the task of keeping the vampire realm hidden from the human world. Once Bella was aware of vampires, the Voltari required that she either become vampire or die. Bella wants to wait to become a vampire until she has experienced sex as a mortal. The only one she wants to do this with is Edward, who will not engage in such activities until they are properly married. He is an old fashioned vampire after all. Ok, they get married, leave to a private island his family owns, and engage in marital relations...which produce a CHILD! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? He is a vampire! UNDEAD UNDEAD UNDEAD! Not capable of inseminating someone. He doesn't even have fluids for hell's sake!
This thing is a half vampire/half human child who grows at an alarming rate. Within a very short time of the conception (we are talking weeks) the child is large enough and strong enough to break her bones and practically kill her. They learn that in order for the demon child to exit her womb, it would have to chew its way out. The birthing process would absolutely kill her. Of course they find a way to save her, by injecting vampire venom directly into her heart one moment before her death as the child exits her now thrashed and bleeding body. They save her and she is now vampire Bella. The baby? Oh the baby is sweet! The perfect angel who drinks blood. Everyone, I mean everyone is absolutely enamored with this child. Including Bella's best friend/spurned boyfriend/werewolf Jacob, who is hanging around these vampires because he is a masochistic moron. He IMPRINTS on the child. Which in Meyerland means he and she bond, on the day of her birth, and will absolutely end up being married and together forever! Oh happy day...EWWWWWWWWW!!! He is seventeen, she is an infant, and the off spring of the girl he has had naughty spank dreams about!
This made me throw the book. I had to walk away for a moment. Then I came back.
Bella, miraculously, is absolutely beautiful and doesn't seem to suffer ANY (NOT EVEN ONE) of the known side effect of being a newborn vampire. She is more graceful, fast, coordinated and in absolute control of her lust for blood. EVERY OTHER VAMPIRE ON THE PLANET HAD TO SPEND THE FIRST YEAR OF THEIR EXISTENCE MASTERING THEIR CONTROL, BUT NOT BELLA! She is just that good. On top of that, all of the human feelings, needs and desires that she was prepared to loose. NOT ONE was lost. She still felt the same as before, in fact those feelings were just THAT MUCH MORE INTENSE! paaaleeeaseee!!!!
So...lets keep score shall we. Bella had to give up a whole bunch of things to have this life with Edward right? The choice was worth the sacrifices that were required right? So lets review...
her life - well ya...but really going from a clutz to a beautiful, coordinated immortal...not really a sacrifice.
her ability to have children - nope! apparently not!
her friendship with Jacob - nope...he is gonna be an in law!!!
her humanity - nope...everything is just that much better!!!
her free will (for the first few years) as she adjusted to being a blood thirsty vampire - Nope...she is the ONLY VAMPIRE IN RECORDED HISTORY to not have to suffer this terrible first year of transformation.
her family - I am getting to this.
Her relationship with her father, who was supposed to be made to believe that she and Edward were killed tragically on their honeymoon, was supposed to be over. For his safety. The Voltari would demand his death if he were told about the vampires. Well, conveniently, Jacob goes to Charlie and shows old Chuck what a werewolf looks like. He explains a little about the crazy world they live in and explains, very vaguely that Bella is now a part of that world. And wouldn't you know it...Charlie doesn't want to know the details. He is just happy that Bella is happy and that she can be in his life. He decides he can live without knowing the details of what she really has become. He is just COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH HIS GRANDBABY! Who, incidentally at the age of three months has a full set of teeth, speaks in complete sentences when she is not using mind control, walks, and hunts prey! We find out later that poor old Jake will only have to wait 7 years for her to fully mature before he can get all up in that!
UUUUUHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! Bleck!
It gets worse from there. Seriously...it does.
Bella does not have to give up a single thing. The end of the book is a happy ending that would seriously make the Disney people throw up a little in their mouth. She didn't require anything of her main character which made her flat, boring and pathetic.
Mike was right. John was right.
I feel dirty...the stench of this book will live with me long.
3 comments:
LOL!!! I love this blog. While I don't have the same venomous feelings about it, I do agree that Stephenie Meyer is gutless. Bella should've never had a baby or been allowed to be happy, happy, joy, joy...
Maybe she could've almost killed Jacob & Edward and ran away only to eventually come back to Edward after the first year... now that would've been good. The whole will they or won't they has always been the pull. Like Angel and Buffy. They didn't end up together and I lived.
HAHAHAHA, I cannot stop laughing. You totally made my day, week and year. My favorite is "cannot, absolutely cannot...write about vampires where no one gets hurt and nothing bad really ever happens." True, True, True!
This series resembles everything that is wrong with the world. Thank your for writing this... it's like you are in my head. Ok, that was creepy.
I can smell the suck from this book throught the computer.
I'm reading "I am Legend" now that's a vamp book.
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