I am back and I am Stephens

Ok......so it has been a few days since I updated my blog. Things have been happening.....what can I say.

So I got divorced. It may have been the wacky hours I was working. It could have been all the days he mentioned to me that he never worried about me and could sleep soundly if I didn't come home. He wouldn't worry that I hadn't made it home. It could have been that too. It might have been the one time he mentioned to me that he would never have gotten married if it hadn't been commanded by God....that should have probably triggered something......OR... maybe it was the day he came home from work, found me balled up on the kitchen floor crying hysterically...very close to complete mental and physical break down.

What would your response be? If you came home from work and found your significant other, to whom you are bound and supposed to love, on the floor of the kitchen in complete melt down mode?

I think most human beings (non-mutant) would respond with compassion. They would go to their beloved, hold them, figure out the problem and do everything to fix whatever was making him or her so completely distraught. Am I wrong in that thinking?

The response from Brent (going forward his name has been changed to Asshat...I apologize to anyone who sensitivities are offended by that....it is really the only name that fits) anyway, his response was to look at me, say something along the lines of "gee, sorry your day isn't going well", and the ask me what was for dinner.

I think that was it. The moment that I realized that he didn't love me....that he probably had never really loved me...and most important, I did not love him.

I asked him to leave two weeks later. He was stunned. He still is stunned. I think he will always be stunned. Something happened in his life that wasn't his idea and dictated by him. That would be stunning to a man like him I suppose.

I forced the divorce through quickly. It is easy to do when you want nothing from him, want to get away from him, and have an awesome family that will rally around you and help even if they think you are making a mistake. I really don't know what each of them thinks about the situation. It didn't matter then and it doesn't matter now. It is amazing. There is such peace and clarity in finally telling yourself the truth. I spent years in misery, married and completely alone. I worried, years earlier, when I wanted to leave, about what "people" would think. What would I say, how could I explain my failure. It comes down to this.............

NO ONE KNOWS WHAT YOUR LIFE IS LIKE. THE ALL ENCOMPASSING "THEY" HAVE NO IDEA. IT IS NOT UP TO THEM. IT ISN'T WORTH THE WORRY.

You get to a point when the "they" don't matter anymore......and there is peace. The "they" that are really important, will love and support even if they don't understand. If they don't support? Well you now have the answer to who should really matter in your life.

I got some very hurtful counsel from a well meaning Stake president. At first I really hated him. I wanted scream at him. As time has passed I now realize that he just didn't understand the situation. He couldn't understand. He just didn't have the ability to understand a marriage where there was no love. It wasn't in him. For him, every marriage has bumps. That is true. But he was assuming that every marriage also had love and devotion. He was wrong. There was obligation, and nothing else. You cannot fix a marriage built and founded on obligation. It is like the analogy of the foolish man building his house on the sand. No solid foundation. That sucks come hurricane season.

Ok, so why is my name Stephens and not Porter the way it should be????

Here is the fairytale part of it!

Life is not always as easy to predict as many of us believe it would be. This guy, John. Unassuming friend. Roleplaying buddy. Fellow browncoat. Stumbled into my life. Quite unexpectedly.

It wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to live out the rest of my life with a big sturdy wall around my heart. I was supposed to become a man hater; a solid, do it myself sufficient single mom. I was building that wall. It was going up. John sort of stealthily moved in there and took my mortar. It is really hard to build a wall when there is nothing to make it stick. He did that for me.

He has taught me love. I didn't know it was possible to love being married. Now it has only been 5 months, but it seems like it should always have been.

He loves me.

Such a simple statement, but you wouldn't believe the struggle it has been to accept. He likes that I am quirky. He likes that I randomly break into song, that I like to dance to music when I cook dinner (most importantly he dances with me), that I believe in fairies (and gnomes, and dwarfs, and elves, and most importantly dragons), that I constantly analyze everything, that I am me in everyway. I don't have to feel bad about everything I am and I don't have to change for him. I can just be me. My life is no longer a lie. It is truth in all its imperfect and wonderful glory. He doesn't just love me....he likes me too. So wierd!

My husband is my best friend and I thank my Father in Heaven every day for the trial he gave me so that I can understand every day how precious and rare my John is.