...As I was saying...

Random Knowledge

2012-01-21T13:06:00.012-07:00

It has been a year, more than actually, since I last blogged. My life over the last year has been growth. Pure and simple. I have grown, changed, learned, stretched. It has been, as one of my friends frequently says...epic. At least from my perspective. This year looks to be no less substantial. So I bring to you the new topic header: Random Knowledge

Under this heading I will let you in on some of the random knowledge and skills that I have aquired over the last year and what I am working on now. Be warned...much of this information will be completely useless to a great majority of people out there. Much of what I am learning are skills that were rendered obsolete centuries ago. However, if that apocolypse ever actually happens and you need wool socks to stay warm...where you gonna turn? Yup...I will be me. And I don't come cheap people. Errr person. I take comfort in the knowledge that really only one person is reading this and he aready has to listen to me ramble about it all the time anyway.

This week I am planning the menu for a cooking group I meet with about once a month. Being a part of this group is slightly humorous in that I am really not a great cook. But the people in this group ARE great cooks. Some of them mind blowingly good. I hope to some day be half as good as even one of them. That would be a tremedous accomplishment for me.

My area of study right now is medieval Ireland since much of my cultural roots stem from there.
Unsurprisingly, there are no recipe books from that time period. The people just didn't write that stuff down at that time. So, I have spent much of my time when planning the menu pouring over archeological history books. I was hoping to determine what types of foods and cooking equipment they would have used to prepare foods. My hope is that the menu would at least reflect those aspects of their history. What I have learned:

The Irish had apples. I don't know why that surprises me but it does.
They did not have potatoes in medieval times.
They fried foods... a lot.
They ate very little pork...eating mostly beef and game animals.

Most of what we know as "traditional" Irish food is post medieval.

Who knew?

Next post: adventures in teaching myself to knit

D&D

2010-12-15T08:21:00.004-07:00

Dreadful - Waking up with a headache. This is no way to start a morning.

Delightful - Four wheel drive. I only wish all of my vehicles had it!

Be safe on the roads people...the white stuff is back.

"May the Lord keep you in His hand and never close His fist too tight."

D&D

2010-12-14T08:59:00.002-07:00

Dreadful - Mornings. I hate mornings. Waking up is no fun. Also, cracked bleeding skin sucks. The two are not related, but they are both dreadful.

Delightful - Hanging out with my boy! John is the very best part of my day.

What is your D&D for the day? Write it in the comments. Doing this has really sort of grounded me and made me look at each day a little differently. Most of the time I have to think really hard about the dreadful part of the entry. Perspective!

A good one:

These things, I warmly wish for you-
Someone to love, some work to do,
A bit of o' sun, a bit o' cheer.
And a guardian angel always near.

D&D

2010-12-03T08:22:00.001-07:00

Delightful - Benedryl...it is heaven sent for so many reasons!

Dreadful - I just spilled my breakfast all over my desk. Managed to save all of the electronics!

A thought to take you through the weekend:

May peace and plenty be the first,
To lift the latch to your door.
And happiness be guided to your home,
By the candle of Christmas.

D&D - Thanksgiving Edition

2010-11-24T10:04:00.002-07:00

Delightful - Pie...yummy yummy pie! Tomorrow I get pie and decorating for Christmas!

Dreadful - My kids being away for the Thanksgiving holiday.

Wishing you always...

Walls for the wind,
A roof for the rain
And tea beside the fire.
Laughter to cheer you,
Those you love near you,
And all that your heart may desire

Happy Thanksgiving!

D&D the WOOHOO edition!

2010-11-15T20:11:00.002-07:00

Delightful - I just submitted my last assignment for school! I am now free to enjoy the holiday season stress free!!!!

Dreadful - Dental bills...again. It would be so nice to go to the dentist and not have to have something fixed.

This one is a good one!

May the enemies of Ireland never eat bread nor drink whiskey,

but be afflicted with itching without the benefit of scratching

D&D

2010-10-27T08:26:00.002-06:00

Imagine today's entry all in white...like the snow that blankets my unprepared yard.

Delightful - I got a new jacket that is lovely and green. I love green.

Dreadful - Snow. I like the look of snow, I dislike the feel of snow. It is cold and slippery. The snow could have been good enough to stay away until after Halloween, but no...it had to show up now and mess with everyone. Stupid inconsiderate snow.

"It takes time to build castles. Rome was not built in a day. "

D&D

2010-10-26T08:47:00.002-06:00

Today's post is brought to you by the letters S and T...

Delightful - I have one paper and one presentation before I will be done with school for this semester! YAY!

Dreadful - The first hand experience that facebook can give you with your more distant relatives. I am beginning to think that there is a reason they are distant.

"May neighbours respect you,
Trouble neglect you,
The angels protect you,
And heaven accept you."

D&D

2010-10-22T08:49:00.001-06:00

Today's edition is brought to you by the number 4... as in the number of hours I slept last night.

Delightful - One more week and Halloween is here!

Dreadful - My little girl waking up at 2:30am. Sleeping in a ball at the foot of my bed because she wanted to lay on my pillows.

A thought to take you through the weekend.

"As you slide down the banisters of life may the splinters never point the wrong way."

D&D

2010-10-21T08:37:00.001-06:00

Today's D&D is brought to you by the letters Y and P.

Delightful - I am on the home stretch with my final projects in school. I am also on the home stretch with all the Halloween costumes I am making.

Dreadful - My little girl is sick again.

"If God sends you down a stony path,may he give you strong shoes."

D&D

2010-10-19T12:28:00.002-06:00

Delightful - Chocolate with peanut butter! Yummmm. Once again- the weather. It is lovely today. RSL is playing tonight (this is for Stacie)!

Dreadful - Shark week is upon me. *sigh* This week is going to be busy.

From the breastplate of St. Patrick's armor:

Christ be with me
Christ before me
Christ behind me
Christ in me
Christ beneath me
Christ above me
Christ on my right
Christ on my left
Christ where I lie
Christ where I sit
Christ where I arise
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me
Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks of me
Christ in every eye that sees me
Christ in every ear that hears me
Salvation is of the Lord.

Have a great day!

hummm...D&D

2010-10-18T09:14:00.003-06:00

Delightful - My little girl jabbering and dancing. She is so darn cute! Watching Thriller on Friday. Very cool once again. Just wish they would drop the Michael Jackson tribute dance...so corny.

Dreadful - My cats getting all territorial in my house and marking. I can't find the latest mark, but I can smell it... EEEWWWWWWW. Not living up to expectation again.

Something to take with you...

May those who love us, love us
And those who don't love us,
May God turn their hearts
And if he can't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles
So we will know them by their limping!

D&D - The "I'm going to Thriller tonight!" edition

2010-10-15T08:25:00.003-06:00

*note...not sure why I keep making "editions". Just fun I guess.

Delightful - Today is FRIDAY!!! And I get to go to Thriller tonight! "nuff said

Dreadful - Barnes and Nobel. They send me a 20% discount coupon but don't allow me to use it.

A little something for the weekend...

May God give you...
For every storm, a rainbow,
For every tear, a smile,
For every care, a promise,
And a blessing in each trial.
For every problem life sends,
A faithful friend to share,
For every sigh, a sweet song,
And an answer for each prayer.

D&D - The "Thank the Maker it is almost Friday" edition

2010-10-14T09:10:00.004-06:00

Delightful - The number starwars figures, Harry Potter wands, and other geekery on my desk. It is inspiring! My office looks like halloween threw up in here! It is fantastic!

Dreadful - My kids gone with the X for all of UEA and Halloween. My knee doesn't seem to want to let me run on it. This is bad.

The Irish...they are smart!

"May you have the hindsight to know where you've been, the foresight to know where you're going, and the insight to know when you're going too far."

D&D

2010-10-13T09:00:00.003-06:00

Delightful - Waking up next to my John. He is so cute! Halloween decorations!

Dreadful - The neverending construction on 13th west. Uggggggg!

"May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind always be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face,and rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of His hand."

Productive?

2010-10-11T15:41:00.002-06:00

Cleaned the carpets...

Re-organized the toys...

Ignored all the phone calls...

Time to run to Target!

(Am I the only one who thinks that is a treat?)

D&D The weekend edition

2010-10-11T06:06:00.002-06:00

Delightful - Surviving my first 5K! Sleep! Oh blessed sleep.

Dreadful - Running almost entirely on hills. Really steep hills. My baby waking up at 4:30am...

D&D - My day

2010-10-08T09:16:00.002-06:00

Delightful - Hot drinks on a cold day. I LOVE the nip in the air. I love the rain.

Dreadful - Strep throat strikes again! Forgetting my wallet and Ipod when I left for work.

Have a delightful day!

Running update

2010-10-07T08:47:00.001-06:00

I run...I run alot.

My cousin has this as her "about me" line on her facebook page. I like it.

I have found since my last post in february that I CAN run. Not as well as I would like, but I get better with every attempt.

Running is the best stress relieving exercise I have ever tried. It is hard and it hurts, and it is worth it. I come back from a run completely spent and relaxed.

I run too. I run alot!

D&D - My insight of the day

2010-10-07T08:43:00.002-06:00

Delightful... My baby girl happy and playing. My older kids stepping up and showing me how able and responsible they are!

Dreadful... The bruises on my little girls arms from failed IV attempts. My work calendar...oi!

Well...I guess I have more work to do

2010-02-22T16:25:00.003-07:00

Several weeks ago while standing in line for food, I mentioned to my sister that I was able to complete a mile in 18 minutes. She scoffed at me and said that isn't running that is walking.

I was offended.

Last week I mentioned my indignation at being scoffed at to my brother who runs. He laughed in a "I'm not going to say anything" sort of way. It was a slightly more polite scoff, but a scoff none the less.

I was offended again.

My sister and my brother, aka "The asthmatics" as they love to point out to me, are able runners. They have worked hard to become so. They have run in 5Ks, relays, etc. Even with a potentially fatal breathing condition they are able to out run me by miles.

It hurts...I must admit.

There was a moment, after the scoffs, that I wanted to just give up. Why even try? In fact, I sort of did give up. Running is hard. At least for me anyway. In fact it is the hardest work out activity that I have ever engaged in.

You wanna know what the worst part was? That 18 minutes was down from 22. I had improved and I was proud of that! I sucked as a runner/jogger by 4 minutes less...

Today it was 17 minutes.

Aspirations of health...

2009-11-30T08:20:00.000-07:00

Eight minutes! Good thing I have 10 months to get ready.

Test...this is only a test people...rrr I mean person

2009-11-29T23:20:00.002-07:00

oh my what have I done? I don't know...did it work?

Aspirations of health...

2009-11-18T08:38:00.001-07:00

As the one, maybe two of you that read this know, I have done an insane thing. I committed to my brother to run on his team next october. My husband is going to run to. So we invested in some good shoes and started training. This is my first real week of training. I am following the "training for novices" schedule on the Ragnar website. I decided today that I am going to blog each day, twitter style (gag), my progress. This is more for me than anyone else. I want to see my progress so that I can keep perspective and the goal in mind.

No excuses. I have a year. I will need the year.

Today- 15 minutes on the treadmill - ran for 6 of it. Longest run of my adult life.

ONE!!!

2009-10-05T10:40:00.004-06:00

Dear Kaylee,

Holy cow! When did you become one? I sit here and contemplate the last year and I am amazed that it went by so quickly. It always does. People say that all the time..."they grow so fast"...and the fact is...they do. You are a great big one year old...and I am quickly losing my baby.

I know almost every parent has to accept that when they have a baby, they only have that baby for a very short period of time. Babies become toddlers, toddlers become kids, kids become teenagers, etc... It is the rules of being a parent. That is why, on the rare occasion I get asked advice about having a baby, I always tell the person to wait until they want a kid, because the baby part is such a short part of the life you will create. And frankly, while baby is cute, toddler to kid rocks!

It is so unbelievably fun to see you learn; to see the curiosity in you as you have figured out how to sit, then crawl, then pull yourself up and walk around things. Books are your best friend and you will sit for long periods of time turning pages and pointing out the pictures. You love to sit in baskets. Laundry baskets are like little ships to you. We put you in with a blanket and a few books and you will sit a read. Your brothers think it is great fun to take you for rides in the baskets. You giggle and jabber the whole time. Playing with you is so much fun, because you LOVE to play!

You love to boogie! Which makes sense given your genetics. Daddy loves music and always prefers to listen to music while doing anything. Mom and Dad will often dance in the kitchen while making dinner or cleaning. The big kids join in and you have found your groove lately too! All of the toys that you got for your birthday play music and you will dance along with any or all of them as they play. It is really quite cute! For the moment these toys aren't driving Mom or Dad completely insane...simply because they make you so happy! So, Grandma Porter isn't in trouble for buying you the really really really annoying talking/singing mail box.

The last few months, and your ability to crawl and walk around things, has accelerated your desire to be with and like the big kids. You always want to be where they are and play with them. Mom and Dad...well we just suck most days. Breena, Dana, Drake and Brit are where it is at! They have stuff...stuff you can get into...and they think you are still cute...so they let you get into their stuff! In fact, you have been so enabled that now you feel entitled to anything and everything that you can see! And when you don't get it...you make THE NOISE!

What is THE NOISE? It is hard to describe because it is more of a feeling than a noise. It is the sound you make when you are displeased with something. It could be anything...or nothing. We can never really tell what it is that you want. But when you make THE NOISE, we will literally do anything to make you stop. THE NOISE is a sound so annoying that it cuts to the very heart and soul. It could bring a grown man to his knees...and has! THE NOISE is even worse than the cry! Oh how we wish for the cry back! At least that we could stop with a bottle! THE NOISE is a sort of whine that you make incessantly, even after we have given you what we think you want! BUT...and I say that with my index finger pointed directly up in the air...we are on to your little plan! We have a way to combat THE NOISE...and it is called...THE CRIB! You are learning about time out! AND...the word NO! You shall not defeat us. For we are your parents and while we may have lost a few battles...we will not lose the war!

Luckily for us sweet bug, you are very smart and are catching on to what NO means very quickly. We are hoping that is a good sign and not just your way of collecting re-con before issuing out a blitzkrieg of toddler hell! You are the fifth kid...so just in case you were thinking we were tired and worn down from the other four...you should be warned. I have had 6 years to recover and regain my strength and Daddy is brand spanking new to the toddler world. We are not about to go easy on you...

About a week before your first birthday...maybe a little more than a week, but in the general time frame...you sprouted your first two teeth! FINALLY! I was really worried that there were no teeth in your head and we were going to have to explain to your first grade teacher why you were still on a liquid diet at 6. Seriously...I had nightmares. Thankfully the two on the bottom poked their way through on the same day. You went to bed with no teeth and woke up with two. Since then your baby senses have come alive and you have figured out that your mouth is for stuffing! You put everything in your mouth...like a normal kid! Again...I was having nightmares that I would have to explain to that same first grade teacher that not only were you on a liquid diet, but that he/she would have to feed you because you refused to put anything in your mouth! It was a little weird! But now...we all can relax, because you can now put not only food in your mouth, but small items off the carpet and garbage! Go Kaylee!

It is so fun to see you growing and changing. I have enjoyed seeing your big brothers and sisters develop and grow. Kids get funner as they get bigger and you are just like your siblings. I can't wait to see you walk, hear you talk, and listen to you jabber incessantly about sponge bob/dora/current obsession. Your giggle and baby talk makes every member of our home happy from Daddy all the way down to Brit. You connect us all together and for that I am so grateful!

We love you Sweet Kaylee bug! Happy Birthday!

Love,
Mommy

It makes you wonder...

2009-09-11T15:15:00.003-06:00

So...I have nothing to blog about. Not that nothing is happening in my life. My life, much like your life, goes at a million miles per hour. There is barely time to sleep. It is just that...well...while busy and full...my life is rather ordinary. I work, I go to school, I have kids, they go to school, I am married, he goes to work. There you go...

Like I said...boring.

I decided that I wanted to make a list of "things that make you go hmmm." You know...like things that you think about...and in my case say out loud to the wearying of every human in my proximity...that have no real answer. Just make you go hmmmm.

Here is my list for your reading enjoyment. If it is not enjoyment for you...then why are you reading? hmmmmm

Why is it that as a child all you want is to be a grown up, but as a grown up you long for life as a child? hmmmmm

Why do coffee houses sell refillable bottles that say "for use with cold items only"? hmmmmm

That is all I have for the moment...but I am sure I will come up with more. I am thinking of making this a regular topic. So...if you have a hmmmm thing you want to share...leave it in the comments. All three of my readers would LOVE to hear from you!

Kid speak...Washington Edition

2009-08-17T15:18:00.001-06:00

*driving through Oregon*

Brit - Look Mom...wind energies!!!

Economic frustration

2009-06-09T23:18:00.003-06:00

I am wondering if you have noticed the same things I have noticed lately. Namely all of the economic crap that is blared at us on the news...that doesn't come to fruition? For instance, the auto industry is dieing right? There are supposed to be all of these "killer" deals. Dealers are just giving them away. Well we have been looking for a car. The car John drives is on it's last legs and we will need one before the end of the summer. So we have been looking...and I gotta say. I haven't seen any killer anything. The cars are the same price or more than they were just a year ago when we looked before. I see nothing killer out there accept how much they are asking for the cars.

Another for instance, the housing market and all of the refinancing options. Even with houses loosing value you can refinance at a lower interest rate right? Wrong. If you are responsible and have insurance on your mortgage and have made all of your payments, you don't qualify for a refinance. How frustrating is that.

So I am to guess then that the only way I can benefit from any of this Economic stimulus is to stop paying my mortgage, drop my insurance and buy a really expensive new car. That way I will have a brand new car and be able to drop my interest rate on my house a point and a half!

There are some very screwed up things happening...

seven...no wait eight...NO WAIT ALMOST NINE MONTHS OLD!!!

2009-06-09T22:25:00.004-06:00

Dear Kaylee,

Ok...so you have a sucky Mom. This is probably something you should get used to. I will have moments of greatness where you will think..."wow this woman is together." And then I will have moments of complete and utter failure. I am human, and the sooner you realize that your parents are mortal the better I suppose.

So you are almost nine months old. I have no idea how you got to be that big...but you most certainly are. As of right now you have no teeth. I think this is the longest any of my children have waited to grow teeth. I am begining to wonder if their are teeth in there. A consequence of having not yet sprouted teeth has been a total and utter lack of wanting to put anything in your mouth...including food. Other parents I talk to wonder at your lack of oral fixation and wish their child was want to put items in his or her mouth. "What a blessing that is" they say. I, on the other hand, worry that this is some sort of illness that will manifest some day with your growing a third arm out the middle of your forehead...or something equally as distressing. So, for the past several months I have shoved every kind of food I could into your tightly clamped trap. I give you tastes of everything. From the bread in my sandwich to the curried potatoes we had at Royal India (two thumbs up!!!). At first you were less than enthusiastic about the oral olympics I was putting you through. You would clamp your mouth down so hard it would take two hands to pry your mouth open. After lots of practice, you are very excited about all of the new foods, and have found that you like the weird stuff as much as Mom and Dad. In fact, if it doesn't have spices and zing...you don't like it. The most exciting food adventure though was the day you realize that watermelon was good, and that you could feed it to yourself! You ate, several large peices that evening! We were both so impressed. Unfortunately, Aunt Stacie was less impressed the next day when the wonder of watermelon manifested itself in your diapers (I use the plural on purpose) and on your clothing.

You are sitting up my bug and have been able to for a while now. Though it sort of took us by surprise that you could. I was, once again, getting worried that something was wrong with you since I could not get you to sit up on your own. It wasn't until we realized that you actually could sit up, but just chose not to, that I stopped worrying. You love to be on the floor while playing. You roll and roll and roll, and stretch, and army crawl. The sitting isn't mobile...and mobile is where it is at for you. If you can't move "over there" you are one unhappy little girl. The most entertaining, and by entertaining I mean frustrating and painful, movement you want is when you want to be neither held nor set down. You want to hover in the middle ground somewhere between held and put down. Daddy would be most grateful if you would master your flying skill now to save his back from holding you in the hover position. Our codeine prescription is running out.

You have found the kitties...and the kitties are afraid. All except Pipen. He is more than happy to let you grab his ears and pull his tail. The poor cat is that starved for attention. I have been trying to show him more love since I realized this. Seriously though, you are much more interested in watching them grabbing them. The few times you have gotten a hold of Pipen, he has patiently waited for us to loosen your grip. He is a very sweet cat and will often come sit by you when you eat...just outside of arms reach.

Bug you are a delight to us. Your brothers and sisters adore you, and have mastered the changing of the diapers (at least the girls have that one) and the entertainment of you. Drake does his "crazy dance" while singing that makes you giggle to your toes. Brit reads you stories and plays peekaboo. Breena and Dana are great babysitters and take very good care of you. We are all happy you are with us.

We love you!

Love,
Mommy

A gigantic 6 months old

2009-03-31T21:40:00.006-06:00

Dear Kaylee,

A few days ago you turned 6 months old. I know I am, once again, a little late with the blog thing. I have a fantastic excuse this time though! We were trying to get Drake's baptism and your blessing arranged and executed. It required an inordinate amount of house cleaning and long segments of time where your Mother sat around and imagined the worst. It was the second time we would be spending any amount of time with your siblings "other family" and my brain would not allow me to imagine this day going anyway other than badly. On top of that, your Daddy would randomly start breathing very deeply and get this I am going to throw up, pass out and then die look on his face. You see sweet bug. Your Daddy is a brave brave man, but he is very afraid to speak in public...out loud at least. He will publicly mutter from time to time. But standing up, in front of people, and then talking at the same time is something he dreads more than...well...many things (all bad).

I am very happy to say that everything went fantastically. All of the family members, yours and the other, were very well behaved. They even talked to each other in some cases. Your Daddy did a beautiful job on your blessing and did a great job baptizing Drake. Everyone behaved themselves...well...except you. You were very happy and cute, until it was time to bless you. Daddy held you and you were fine until the elders all placed there hands on you...and you freaked out. You cried, nay wailed, through the entire blessing. As soon as they uttered the word "Amen", you were over it. sigh

So...anyway

We are all very happy that the day went well and is over.

This month has been about food. I have to admit, I was not really motivated to get you to eat food. Bottles are very easy and highly convenient. I am extremely lazy. So fixing a bottle is an easy out when you are hungry. We started with the cereals, but we only gave them to you very occasionally. Then we moved on to vegetables. I gave you a couple veggies, but you seemed uninterested. I used this as an excuse to not push the food. You didn't seem to want it...why switch. Then one day, a couple of weeks ago, you must have had a growth spurt because you started eating 6+ ounce bottles every 2 hours. It was time for more substantial food. After a little coaxing and taxing all of Mommy's "get the baby on food" tactics, you decided that food was good! You eat everything placed in your mouth except peas. You clamp your mouth down hard and refuse them with an intensity reminicent of a person willingly die for their principles. I can't say that I blame you. Processed peas are horrible. Frozen peas aren't so bad. Hopefully you will acquire a taste for them in a few months.

You are a fantastic sleeper, hitting the sheets between 8 and 9 pm and not opening your eyes again until 7 or 8 am. It is awesome. You only vary from this on nights when we REALLY need you to sleep. Those nights you decide it is time to party like it is 1999. You will stay up till midnight or later and then wake up two or three times during the night...just as a check to see if we were still sleeping. Luckily we have discovered this loophole and remember now to assure you at bedtime that we absolutely do not need you to sleep...ever...at all. We remind you that you are welcome to stay awake as long as you would like. It seems as long as you know we don't need you to sleep, you are able to do so very well.

Sweet bug, you are adorable. While we loved to hold you and cuddle you; it seems you really prefer to lay on a blanket and roll around or sit in an excersaucer. You get so much attention from your sibbling and from your cousins. Aunt Stacie babysits you right now and her boys think you are their little sister...who was misdirected to the wrong house. So much attention and hands passing you around sort of drives your desire to lay or sit and play. You have almost stopped putting things in your mouth. Your little fingers will probe and grasp object, but you no longer explore them with your mouth. There is an intensity to you when you examine an object. It is amazing to see your focused. We so enjoy watching you.

I am excited to watch you grow more. You have already started the "inch worm" crawl and I fear we only have a couple more months before you get the hand/knee coordination going and you will be off. You are growing WAY too fast my sweet little girl. I really wish you would slow down. I know you are highly motivated to catch up with you brothers and sisters. It must be enormously frustrating to watch them walk, talk, and play. But, it would be a tremendous favor to your parents if you would decide to slow down...just a little.

We love you sweet bug. Talk to you soon.

Love,
Mommy

Awesome...like a hundred billion hot dogs sir!

2009-03-12T22:10:00.007-06:00

As I may have mentioned before...we have four cats in our home.

I love my cats...for the most part. Lets face it, they are cats. For those of you who either own, or have owned a feline, you will need no more explanation than that last statement. They are cats. For those who have never owned one, everything you have read or have heard about cats is totally true. They have attitude, over run your home, and treat you with general disdain...unless it is feeding time at which point you become their most favorite person in the WORLD!!! They are cats. 'Nuff said.

Several times a year we have to "de-fur" the cats. It is a task that has to be done by me...because John has a very mild allergy to cats and performing this chore threatens to put him in the hospital. He can't even be in the same area of the house when I do it. De-furring is basically just brushing the cats. I should do this a couple of time a month. But... it is very messy and I am very lazy, so it gets done on an "as needed" basis. Spring time, and the subsequent shedding of the totally unnecessary winter coat, escalates the "as needed" to "code red". There is so much fur coming off of these animals it is unreal. So a few days ago, I sucked it up and did the nasty. I brushed all four cats.

We bought a new cat brush, and it is awesome. Check out the pics!!!

This is the mound of hair that I removed from the first cat...Pipen. I put my flip flops next to the pile of hair for reference.

This is the piles of hair after all four cats were done. This beach towel is a LARGE towel...So much hair came out of those cats it amazes me to look at. I didn't take a picture of my clothes after I was done. I was so covered in hair I had to shower.

This is the mighty and powerful "Defurminator" tool I used. I think this is the most expensive brush on the Petco shelf...and worth every single penny!

AWESOME!

Equal time...ummm no

2009-03-12T21:48:00.003-06:00

I had a friend point out to me the other day that I tend to write a lot about my baby, but not so much about my other four children. It seemed a bit lopsided. She was pointing this out to me in a kind way, thinking that I might not have realized I was doing this. It was done with the best intentions. The funny thing about this conversation was my response to her, and her subsequent surprise. I know it is lopsided...and I do it on purpose.

Blogs are funny things. They allow outsiders an inside look into your life, and in some cases, your head. I enjoy some aspects of this. I have mentioned before how much I enjoy reading blogs. It is a little surprising to me that I also like to write on this blog. For whatever reason, I find it cathartic. I have little problem laying out my life and my thoughts in this medium. I do, however, have a problem laying out the lives of my kids. Hence, the reason you will see very few blogs written directly about my older kids. It is about respect.

With Kaylee, there are few boundaries. She is a baby. Her life revolves around her latest exciting discovery...like her feet. No invasion of privacy there! My older kids have lives. They are still young, but it is amazing to me how quickly they begin to have a need for their own space. To invade that space here, or really any public arena, feels like an exploitation. Those stories are theirs to tell, not mine.

So, for those few who might have been concerned that I don't love my older kids as much as my baby; you can relax. You will see the mommy letters on their birthdays, and the kid speaks. I will write about them when I feel the story relates to my life and how they impact me, but I will not write about them on a regular basis. This is the line that I have laid in the sand, and I will not cross it. I love them too much to put their lives on display for others amusement.

Ok...thanks for listening...you can go back to whatever you were doing.

5 months old...

2009-02-28T12:41:00.012-07:00

Dear Kaylee,

You have developed a new way to comfort yourself. A few months ago we took away your binky. As I said in the last letter, you couldn't suck on it very well anyway. So it was best for everyone involved if the bink just disappeared. We were worried you might start to suck your thumb...well...that isn't what happened. You started to suck the inside of your arm. Actually, it isn't so much a suck as it is a lick. You lick the inside of your arm... We are so proud!!! At least it shows you are a problem solver! Unique at that.

This month has been a rough one sweet bug. You, and the rest of us for that matter, had been pretty healthy through the winter. But around the time the ground hog came out, we all got sick. Most of us anyway. You were the worst though. At first we thought you had RSV. That is a scary thing to have and we worried because you didn't seem to be getting better. You were so sick. Your cough went all the way down to your toes and racked you until you would cry from the pain of it. It was heart breaking. When you didn't get better we took you back to the doctor and he decided that it was probably pnemonia. Once you got on the antibiotics things started to turn around. It was good to see you smile again. We thought for a few days there that you would never smile ever ever again.

Once that was over, you were heathly for a few days and then started right into another cold. So for much of the month you have looked like this...

and this...

We are really looking forward to you being over these and for the spring to get here. It will be a good thing.

You are learning to sit up. You haven't quiet got the total idea, but you are coming along. You love to throw yourself backward, which ends badly everytime. I am hoping that soon you will discover you are actually doing that to yourself, and that it is not some mean trick your parents are playing on you to torture you for our amusement.

Another fun thing that you are doing this month is this...

THE BABY DEATH GRIP!!! That is what Daddy calls it. It looks harmless enough in this picture, but what you do...just seconds later...after the camera has clicked complete...is clamp down your fingers and dig your REALLY sharp baby finger nails into the soft part of the neck. You grab a handful of flesh and then squeeze and claw and...dare I say...tear at that vulnerable area of our necks. It is almost like you are going for the jugular! It is exquisitly painful and will bring your Mommy to her knees. The really bad part is that you don't let go. You just hang on there like...well...I can't think of what clamps on and doesn't let go...but it is just like that!

Another fun development...that is not at all painful for your parents...you have found your feet!

Well it is a littl painful for us...when we are trying to change your butt...oh the fun!!!

And lastly this month baby, you have this really cute way of holding your mouth...it is always open. If you aren't being feed or sleeping, your mouth hangs open. I know that babies explore the world around them with their mouths...so many fun things! But your mouth hangs open with an intensity that I don't remember in your brothers and sisters. Almost like you are trying to WILL the objects, people, food, air, etc around you into your wide open pie hole! I am sorry to report that your baby powers have failed you. Despite your best efforts, those thing will not simply move themselves into your mouth...you are going to have to use your hands.

Well, there it is sweet Kaylee bug, your are a gigantic 5 months old. We are so happy to have you in our family and we are REALLY glad that you found your smile again.

Love,
Mommy

Reasons...Conflict

2009-02-13T16:14:00.002-07:00

For the majority of my life I have been very seriously handicapped by my inability to confront people directly. I hate conflict. It is just something that I have never been good at handling. I know people who are able to stand up in a fight. They allow their feelings of injustice and what-not fuel them into a verbal furry. They can express themselves very well in high conflict situations. It always amazes me, when I witness these people, how sure they are of their position. They are immovable in their belief that they are right and that other person is dead wrong.

In a conflict situation I tend to fold in on myself. It is very frustrating. I feel guilt on a very real level and will feel guilty about everything, even when I am not actually guilty of anything. I will feel guilty for simply disagreeing with someone. I will feel guilty because, even though they did something bad, there is one tiny little truth in their argument that sends me spiraling down a guilt tunnel. I will feel guilty just because I know what I have to say will make them feel guilty. OH THE GUILT!!! It is infuriating.

I was thinking about this today as I was dealing with the "dreaded X". He was upset over an upcoming event that is...well upcoming. It is a long story, but believe me when I tell you, the X knows all about my inability to stand up in a conflict. He knows it and he uses it. He manipulates the guilt in a way that still gets under my skin and makes me feel like so much less of a person. Like everything that has happened is entirely my fault and that I now have to pay the consequences for "tearing our perfect family apart".

To say that we don't get a long is an understatement. What is worse, is that he has such righteous indignation. He truly believes that he is completely blameless in our breakup. In his mind, I just wanted to go live it up like my single friends and be done with all of that married life responsibility. I made this choice selfishly and gave no regard to my children.

Side note: If that was true...why is it that I have been married for almost two years and he is still single???

I want to know how my conflict enabled friends do it. How do you hold it together and avoid the guilt? I hate that he still has the ability to manipulate me, and I REALLY hate that he does it to my kids. I want to arm them with skills to avoid dealing with this their entire lives. I only have to deal with him for a few more years. He will be in their lives for the rest of their lives, and he is not above playing head games with these kids.

I just don't want them to feel what I feel when I have to deal with him.

Kid speak...

2009-02-13T09:41:00.000-07:00

Drake - "two more and I will have valentines for all of the people. Then I just need to do the ones for the girls"

Johns - "Drake, girls are people too."

Drake - "...oh...ya...your right"

Sick days...

2009-02-11T13:27:00.001-07:00

A few days ago a friend of mine wrote about how Mom's never get to be sick. Illness comes and Mom's just have to pick themselves up and keep going no matter how bad they feel. I was laughing at that thinking how true that was...

We are all sick here. Well most of us are sick. Breena has had a terrible cold for weeks. Brit has a cold and now has pink eye. Kaylee has either RSV or Pneumonia (depends on which Doctor you ask) and is miserable. I have a head cold that is making me wish for an early grave. John is getting my cold... Drake and Dana have managed to remain healthy. We will see...

I remember when I was younger, before the kids. When I would get sick I would stay in my pajamas and stay in bed with the covers up to my chin and sleep. It was great. Even if there was no one there to take care of me, I could at least rest. Now that we have kids, as all parents know, it is IMPOSSIBLE to do anything like this. It just isn't in the cards to try and rest. Which is ironic I think, because the only real way to get over something is to sleep. But NO.... just as I feel a cold coming on one of the kids decides to fall ill. Which means that they are not going to sleep...consequently neither can I.

Even if they aren't sick, they still think that they need to eat, and have clean clothes, and be involved in activities...

I want to lay down and sleep so bad my head is just aching. But there are so many things to do and Kaylee just wants to be held. Valentine's day is in a couple of days so there are the obligatory card to complete for the kids classes. Drake has scouts tonight and Breena and Dana have activity days tomorrow that I need to finish preparing for. I have 14 loads of laundry to do and a sink full of dishes to wash. The cat boxes need to be cleaned, and my bedroom is unbelievable. I don't even want to think about what my bathrooms look like.

Being sick as the Mom sucks.

Reasons...

2009-02-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

You STILL cannot safely buckle your children into your vehicle when your girl friend is there. Six people and only five restraints. Was it that you could not afford a 7 passenger vehicle? Or that you could not be bothered to worry about anyone else but yourself? I am guessing the latter.

You cannot manage to pay for a seat belt for everyone...but you sure as hell can afford these.

Custom wheels. Seriously???

I bet their step father would LOVE to drive a snazzy sporty vehicle. In fact I know he would. But he doesn't...because he puts YOUR CHILDREN and their well being ahead of his own personal desires.

Because that is what good parents do.

I guess we all know where that puts you.

"I am so LONELY!!!"

2009-02-02T16:26:00.000-07:00

I have always been an animal lover. People who know me can attest to that. I like 'em all. Flying, slithering, scaly, wet, furry, dry...whatever. The only things that I won't house are spiders or insects. These are not pets...they are pests (note the extra "s"). I squish them and leave their mangled corps on the wall as a warning to the others in the area. I cannot get behind keeping them as pets.

BUT ANYWAY...

Some people are cat people...others are Dog people...and most times you are either one or the other. John is a cat person. I like dogs a lot, but enjoy cats now because they fit very nicely into our lifestyle. They only require about 5-10 minutes of actual attention a day. Other than that...they really don't care if you exist. Dogs...they need CONSTANT love an attention or they start eating things...like your furniture. They are needy and neurotic. We work and we have five kids and one ex-husband with visitation...so we run around quite a bit and are not home. My life style has forced me to become a certified cat person. But luckily (or not so luckily) I have a cat that acts more like dog than he should.

I give you Pipen. He is our 2 year old siameseish cat. He is the first kitten that I picked out. We now have four cats. The other three are normal cats. Eat, sleep, litter box, rub against your leg, look at you with disdain... ya know...normal cat. Not Pipen. He is not a normal cat.

He plays fetch.

He obsesses over things

He talks and whines to us all day long

He cannot handle change in anyway

He does naughty things when he is not being paid attention to

When we brought Kaylee home from the hospital two members of our household had problems adjusting; Brit and Pipen. Brit has adjusted and is over it; he was over it about a month after she was born. Pipen is STILL not over it.

He has these little batting toys he plays with. If you throw it for him, he will chase it, pick it up and bring it back to you. Just like a dog. He will do this for hours! As long as you throw it...he will bring it back. If you stop playing with him, he will follow you around with the toy in his mouth begging you to play with him... just like a dog.

He bats that stupid toy under the stove EVERYDAY. Then he lays next to the stove and whines until I pull out the drawer and get the toy out for him... sound like another kind of animal??? I think so too.

He likes to jump behind the TV. We have this big entertainment center with closing cabinet doors. To get behind the cabinet he has to jump up on the TV and then slither between the cutout opening in the cabinet. He then proceeds to chew on the cords to Johns XBOX 360. This is bad, because if the cord plastic isn't in place the cords could actually start a fire. Not to mention the electrical current could hurt the cat. He has gotten in trouble for jumping back there SO MANY times. No matter what we do to punish him or deter him from going back there...he obsesses about doing it again. Every time he walks in front of the cabinet, he pauses to look up and you can see his legs getting ready to leap. We yell "Pipen!!!" and he runs away. Sure as the sun will rise...he comes back a few minutes later to try again. He does this over and over and over and over again. It is maddening!!!

This cat is the strangest cat I have ever known. He is extremely cute and such a beautiful cat...but I think he must have done something wrong in a past life. He was a dog and he pissed someone off and was cursed to come back as his arch nemesis...and he has NO IDEA how to be a cat!!! He just wants someone to HOLD HIM!!!!

He may need Prozac!!!

I'm a follower!!!

2009-01-30T09:41:00.000-07:00

I love to read blogs. Blogs have this amazing way of drawing people out. There is a sense of safety when you write a blog. I find people are - generally- most real when they consistently write what is happening to them and with them. I enjoy finding out what people think and are willing to write about themselves. I don't know...call me nosy.

I know that this blog has been an amazingly freeing, healing, creative tool for me. I am soooo glad my brother prompted me to start it a few years ago. It took a long time to get into it, but now it is a part of my day. I carry a book around so that I can write down blog ideas.

So the point is... do you have a blog?

If you do, post a link in the comment section of this post. I would love to link to it and read it. I have gotten to know some of you so much better through your writing.

If you don't, consider getting one. This website "blogger" is fast, easy and free. Just start with simple things. Things that interest you. Don't worry about what people think, this is your space. I have a friend who blogs about her compulsion to organize things. I have another friend who blogs mostly about her kids. Whatever the subject, just give it a try. You may find, like me, that you enjoy it.

And I need more to read...

They have ARRRAAIIVVVEEEDDDD

2009-01-27T23:43:00.000-07:00

Our furniture...that we ordered on Nov 15th... is in our home!!! This is no insignificant event my friends. We have been living... for about 22 months now... without a stick of furniture in our front room. We ordered these from Furniture Warehouse during that big retirement sale. They told us at the time that it would take about 4-6 weeks for delivery. They needed to order them in. No problem we said. That would put us right about Christmas...we can wait for that.

At about 4 weeks I call to find out if they are in yet... just hoping that maybe they got there at the earliest time quote. I was told that they were not in, but that we would see them just before Christmas. The week of Christmas rolls around...no furniture. So I call again. Nope sorry they will be here just after Christmas. We will call you and let you know when we know what day.

So after the happy day is over, I call again...'cause nobody is calling me. Nope! This time I am forwarded to a manager, lets call him Paul, because that is his name. He tells me that the fabric is back ordered and that it will be mid January before the items will be in. But he will call as soon as he knows a date for delivery.

I am wondering why nobody had called me to let me know this was the case...it would have been nice to know.

So...we are patient until 15th of January. This time John calls. Paul once again makes up some delay and promises they will be in the following Thursday. "I will call you..."

I bet you can guess what happened...

Thursday comes and goes...no call. We call the store that evening, no Paul. He won't be in...we have no idea where your furniture is but you can leave him a message on his voice mail (code for oblivion). The next day I want to complain a little...I mean a lot. So I call once again, just for kicks and giggles. I have nothing better to do with my time than call stores and demand expensive items that I have already paid for...though not yet received. It is a thing with me...

So I call...and miracles upon miracles, the furniture is in! But... they can't deliver it till Monday. I should really learn to throw fits... my life would be easier. People who throw fits well would have gotten their items delivered that very damn day and not a moment longer!!! I am too non-confrontational. So I agree to monday delivery. "We will call you to set up a time for delivery". I actually said to the guy on the other end of the phone..."are you really gonna call... because we have been promised calls for the last two months...and NOT ONE TIME HAS ANYONE ACTUALLY CALLED US TO LET US KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON."

I guess I am not that non-confrontational.

They called first thing the next day and our furniture was delivered first thing Monday morning. I am very pleased with the furniture. It is beautiful and we got a very good price for them. I am also pleased that I never have to speak to another employee of furniture warehouse again. I have no plans to shop there in the future.

And they will never call me...

Drakie!!! The one and only

2009-01-27T22:31:00.001-07:00

Dear Drake,

You may be wondering why I would choose to put this picture of you on your blog post. It is simply this... this sweet, tearful face has saved you on more than one occasion! You kill me my sweet Drake. No matter how mad at you I might have been, or what you had done; all you had to do was turn on the tears and Mommy melted like butter in the sun. (I mean real butter...not that other stuff!) You are my heart Drake. You came to me at a time when I had my hands full. Breena was only two and a half and Dana was only 14 months old. I was seriously unsure that I was going to be able to handle another child. You will hear others tell you, I am sure, that when I read the pregnancy test and it said I was pregnant...again...for the third time in two years...I chucked the test stick at your father. This is totally true. The thought of a third baby at that moment almost pushed me over the edge. Luckily, Heavenly Father made sure to send me a wonderful little boy, who could charm me with a smile and render me powerless with a tremble of the lip and a single tear. You are my heart indeed!

When you were three years old you came running into my bedroom, tripped on a pillow and smacked your mouth on the corner off my bed frame. The impact left a nasty gash on your upper lip that required stitches. I remember at the Doctors office, when they went to do the stitches...the wanted to strap you down. But you were being so good and compliant that they thought they would try it without first. I sat next to you...and you talked and jabbered through the whole thing, but you didn't cry once. It was terribly hard for the Doc to stitch while you talked, but he decided it was better to work with that than have you screaming and kicking.

You started talking really very early, but then you were always a little ahead of yourself. You even skipped that whole newborn baby look and just jumped right into infant. You were so adorable. Frankly...you still are!

You are a very emotional kid and you are one of the first to give me a hug and tell me that you are sorry that I had a bad day. You try so hard to make everything better. I appreciate you so much for this. Your compassion is a wonderful asset to you. It helps you to relate to other people and care about what happens to them. Not everyone in this world has this ability. Please don't loose it.

That isn't to say you always see eye to eye with everyone; especially your sisters. Sisters are hard for brothers to deal with sometimes. You will come to learn as you grow up that boys and girls see things differently. Try to learn from your sisters...because some day that knowledge might help you score chicks! Consider it research...on a purely scientific level of course.

You are my sweet Drakie, I am so proud of you! Happy Birthday!

Love,

Mommy

Four months old

2009-01-27T20:41:00.001-07:00

Dear Kaylee,

You are four months old...two days ago. One thing you will come to understand about your Mom...I am not always punctual...but I do what I say I am going to do eventually. Patience is a virtue and I am just trying to teach you that virtue...ya...that is it!

You have grown so much in the last month. If we thought you had personality before...well it has blossomed even further very recently. You are...how do I put this...a little high maintenance sweet girl. Much of this is not your fault. We moved you into your crib...which threw you for a loop. We took away the binky which has made you less than pleased with us. Needless to say, you have been a little tough to keep happy. Your Dad hasn't sat down in weeks. Every time his butt hits a surface you scream and flail like your legs have been ripped off. As long as you are completely entertained at every moment of the day things are fine. Heaven forbid we try to take a moment to pee. How dare we attend to ourselves!!! The impertinence of the idea is enough to make any four month old groan.

So there are some entitlement issues. At the moment you are sitting in your very entertaining excer-saucer, surrounded by toys, throwing a hissy fit...because the toys don't talk back or pay attention to you!!! Despite this...or maybe a little because you still manage to be cute when you throw a fit...we are still absolutely enamored with you.
You may be asking yourself right now, why the binky. Well the problems lays with your genetics little one. See...you inherited only one physical trait from me, and that was an over-sized tongue. It is always hanging out and it gets in the way a lot. Especially when you are trying to suck on a binky. We would spend hours, both during the day and at night, holding that annoying piece of plastic in your mouth, because you couldn't keep it in by yourself. When we moved you to the crib we decide the time to loose the bink had come. I had no intentions of standing next to your crib every night to hold it in place while you slept. So far you have done pretty well without it at night. It is during the daytime that you seem to have trouble. You cry...oh heaven help me the crying! You cry like you lost your best friend...like your puppy has just be run over...like your mean parent took away your binky!!! Despite the crying (oh the crying!!!) you are doing really pretty well adjusting.

I have to take this moment to point out...you are huge! I look at this picture of you and it is hard to imagine that you were once so little your tiny head fit perfectly in your Daddy's hands. You are a whole lot of fun...despite the crying (oh the crying!!!) I can't wait till we start solid food! That will be a whole new world of face pulling and brightly colored spit up. Hooray for stain removers!!!

We love you bug! Even with the crying (oh sweet heaven the crying!!!)

Love,
Mommy

Kid speak...The Drake in Disneyland Edition

2009-01-20T20:48:00.000-07:00

(tonights phone conversation)

Drake - "Hi Mom"

Me - "Hey Drakie hows your day?"

Drake - "We went swimming, got done, I put on my pajamas, and we ordered pizza...bye"

Me - "Hey wait... are you having fun???"

Drake - "Yup...bye"

Me - "Wait Drake - What did you do yesterday?"

Drake - "Disneyland"

Me - "What are you doing tomorrow?"

silence

Me - "Drake???"

Drake - "I'm having fun!!! Bye"

*click*

Salvation!!!!

2009-01-19T11:26:00.000-07:00

The Christmas and New Year holidays were a little crazy this year. We spent most of the evenings this last season traveling around to different houses and parties. It was fun! But...(there is always a but isn't there) the traveling, noise, confusion, and late nights threw Kaylee's shedule completely out of wack. Up till then, she had been sleeping about 5-6 hours at a time, making it bearable to deal with at night. After New Years, she developed this horribly frustrating habit of only sleeping about 30 minutes at a time and then staying awake for an hour or more before crashing again for 30 minutes. She found this schedule fit her needs perfectly. She got to sleep and then play with Mom or Dad all night. What she didn't realize, being that she is an infant and incapable of thinking outside of her own existance, was that she was slowing driving her parents to madness and early death.

MUST HAVE SLEEP!!!

So last friday I was picking my kids up from my sister's house and Kaylee had fallen asleep. As Stacie and I chatted she laid across my lap unconscious. Now...there were 7 kids (at least) in the house. The TV was blarring, kids were playing, phone was ringing, and the two of us were talking. There was so much noise and confusion it was insane...and there she slept. I looked at Stacie and made some frustrated comment about wishing she would sleep this well at night. Stacie kind of laughed and said..."maybe it is just too quiet in her room at night for her to sleep..."

***LIGHT BULB!!!!***

That night John put a radio in her room on the classical station...which didn't come in very well... and she slept 7 and a half hours...woke up for 15 minutes for food...and then slept another 4 hours! AHAAAAAA! We did a snoopy dance and then headed directly to Target for this little gadget. We had to go to two different stores, but finally found it. It plays MP3s, has lullaby music, white noise (ocean, storm, womb sounds, etc.)...it is awesome. She slept the next two nights very well.

We may have found the way to thwart her efforts to end us! I am crossing my fingers that this continues to work...otherwise my sister will need to work faster on her basement...'cause she will be raising my kids!

Kid speak... The Brit's Birthday edition

2009-01-17T11:47:00.000-07:00

Brit - "...you can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man!"

Chase - "you can't catch me I'm the toilet plunger man!!!"

Kid Speak... the Brit's Birthday edition

2009-01-17T11:42:00.000-07:00

*early in the morning*

*knock knock knock*

Brit - "Mom can Tyler and I have our glow sticks? We fell asleep last night and forgot them"

John - (rolls over and groans) "You can have them a little later after we get up"

A few seconds pass...

*knock knock knock*

Tyler - "John...what does "later" mean???"

Panic and obsessive behaviour

2009-01-15T09:04:00.000-07:00

I am a panic-er...ya know...one of those people who can take a small little thing and blow it completely out of proportion. Now before I go too far...it must be said that when it comes to my kids...nothing is small and there is no such thing as "out of proportion". If I think that they are being mistreated or are unsafe the "proportions" get re-defined entirely. The panic I am talking about revolves more around things like this example... In reality - the car is making a sound. In my head - the engine is falling out! That sort of panic. Something that is likely inconsequential that becomes, in my mind at least, a source of total hysteria.

I also have the amazing ability to obsess over things...a lot. I get an idea in my head and I can't get it out no matter how hard I try. Like for instance, this last Christmas. Santa was bringing the children Nerf guns...the big ones. A work friend of mine brought his new Vulcan Nerf cannon in one day and let me try it. This is a chain fed fully automatic machine gun (Nerf style); so much fun I almost injured my co-worker. Once I had this gun in my hand, I knew that John had to have one. There is only one way to fend of a 3-4 kid tactical team with a heavily stocked arsenal...and that is with a fully automatic chain fed machine gun. 8 days before Christmas...I begin searching for this gun...and searching...and searching. I call stores and wait 30 minutes for someone to help me. I surf the internet and for a moment, just one moment mind you, consider paying 3 times the amount this gun normally sells for just so that he can have one. HE MUST HAVE THIS GUN...DON'T YOU SEE PEOPLE...IF HE DOESN'T GET THIS GUN IT COULD MEAN THE CESSATION OF LIFE AS WE KNOW IT!!!

I mean that kind of obsessive...

A couple of weeks ago my cousins were in town from California. My family had a dinner get together to visit with them. While we were chatting, Emmy mentioned that she would be doing the Renaissance festival again this year in Cali. My oldest brother and his wife were seriously thinking of going.

Cut to last week...

We are having Sunday dinner at my parents house and Mike mentions to us that we should come along. I would really like to go, but figure we couldn't really swing it. John turns to me and says..."well...it wouldn't be that expensive we could do it for a late anniversary thing..."

Initiate obsessive tendencies now!

I begin calculating days and strategizing ways to save money so that we can maximize our spending abilities within the fair. I get the nod of approval from Mike...since we are crashing their trip. I start looking on the internet for hotels....SKREETCHHH...the hotels that are recommended on the fairs website are filling up!!! What ever will we do!!!

Initiate panic tendencies now!

By the time I discover this it is after 9PM. I pick up the phone and call my brother. "Mike you gotta decide when we are leaving, coming back, what we are going to eat, how much oxygen we are going to use, what the alignment of the planet will mean for the tides, and if this mole on my back looks funny...RIGHT NOW!!! THE HOTELS ARE FILLING UP!!! DO YOU HEAR ME MAN! WHY ARE YOU SO QUIET ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE???

*chirp* (the sound of crickets)

A few long painful seconds pass...

Mike - "Ya know Ang...California is a big place. There are lots of hotels...those five hotels on the website aren't the only places we can stay. We could even stay in Anaheim and drive up...it is not that far..."

Me - "oh... I guess you are right...didn't think of that"

panic turning to a low simmer...obsession at an all time HIGH!!!

This trip is going to be fantastic! A weekend away with my husband, the kids safely stowed with family. I can't wait! REALLY I CAN'T WAIT!!! MAKE IT APRIL! MAKE IT APRIL RIGHT NOW DANG IT!!!! WHY ISN'T IT APRIL NOW!

I just hope the other members of the party survive to go!

Britters

2009-01-11T20:36:00.000-07:00

This is Brit. He is my 6 year old...former youngest. His birthday was last Wednesday. In keeping with my plan to write to my kids, this one is for him.

Dear Brit,

You are an amazing little boy, my sweet Britters. You have an infinite ability to love, and you are perhaps the most stubborn strong willed child I have ever known. Well, except perhaps Chase, but you are a close second. You were born just at the time we got our first digital camera, so I have more pictures of you as a baby than I do of your older brother and sisters. You have these enormous beautiful blue eyes.

I don't remember many things about the time when you were a baby. You were born just as we began building our house in South Jordan. You spent the first many months of your life at Joni's house, or at my mother's house while we tried to build a house...instead of hiring a contractor like most normal people would have done. I hated leaving you, and for a while you were more bonded to Joni and Grandma than you were with me. Once we were in the house, I had to work night shift to be able to pay for the house and avoid daycare. It was miserable, and you were left to yourself a lot while I tried to get a little sleep. That is the reason you were able to re-decorate the house on several occasions using black sharpies or stamp pads. I even have a picture of you covered from head to toe in red and blue ink. Most of that time is a blur to me since I was a walking zombie...suffering from lack of sleep. In fact, if it were not for my friend Jasmine, you might not have been bathed...or fed. She was a God send to me at that time and was one of the main reasons I didn't go completely insane.

I do remember how much you loved to ham it up. You were so silly. You loved to watch movies and eat popcorn. You loved to be wrapped up in a blanket and held while Nemo was on. I loved to snuggle you and hold you. I needed that time with you, and you were always willing to give it. Like most of the kids, you were a terrible eater. If it wasn't breaded and served with french fries you refused to eat it. It has been a continuous battle with you to get you to try new things. As you get older, you are getting better. But it has been a long hard fight.

It took you a really long time to speak. Since I was unconscious most of your awake time, I failed to spend a lot of time with you reading books and learning words. When you were 3 I took you to have your ears checked, thinking that maybe your speech was delayed because you couldn't hear. When your hearing checked out fine, we started working with a speach pathologists. She pointed out to me that you had no association between words and objects...that I had failed to teach you English. Jasmine and I started working very hard to teach you word and the objects they went to. Once you learned those, you started talking and you haven't stopped since! You love to tell me about everything. Especially if it has anything to do with sponge bob, or mario.

You are such a smart little boy. Kindergarten was a tough change for you and I thought you were going to push your teacher over the edge. But what we found, once you settled in, was that you were well ahead of most of the kids in your class. You read wonderfully, you know all of your fundamentals, shapes, numbers including basic math. We are so proud of you. Your delayed speach didn't seem to hold you back, and you are excelling at school!

You are a delight to us Brit. John and I enjoy your enthusiasm for games and reading. Your giggle is infectious and it resonates through our home. It is fun to watch you with your best friend Tyler. You two have been planing your birthday party for months now and I am excited to have you do it. It will be your first real birthday party and I hope it is all that you envision it to be. Happy Birthday Sweet Britters! I am so glad you are in our family.

Love, Mommy

I am an Elf!

2009-01-03T11:06:00.000-07:00

I am a gamer. I haven't always been...though had I been given an opportunity earlier in life (thanks Mike) I might have become one back in my formidable years. To be fair to my brother, it wasn't really his fault. I was always interested in what he and his friends were doing when they got together and played D&D. (Our mother would say the name of the game and roll her eyes at the same time.) I was so interested in fact, that I would often break into his room when he wasn't home and mess with his dice and look through whatever books were in his room at the time. Sorry about that Mike...*grins*. But in truth...I never asked to play. I am not sure what the conversation would have gone like back then. But there was always this unwritten, unspoken rule that little sisters didn't bug older brothers. So I never asked and he never had to tell me to go stick it in my ear.

I like to play all sorts of games...video games, board games and RPGs. While I like all of these, I tend to favor any game I can play with other people. Video games tend to eat up a lot of time...and I play them by myself. Board game have been around forever, and I will play any kind placed in front of me. John has introduced me to all sorts of new styles and concepts and they are all so much fun. I learned to play RPGs before John and I started dating...or even speaking to each other. I was getting together with some friends playing the RPG that was built around the movie "Serenity". John was there...he was dating a friend of mine at the time...but he didn't speak enough to really teach me a whole lot. He helped where he could, but he didn't know me very well and others in the group were more dominant...or at least vocal. That was a fun, if flawed, game and I was hooked on this role playing concept. After we started speaking, and then dating, then subseqently getting married, he has pulled me completely into the Dungeons and Dragons world.

Role playing is like interactive story telling. It is a whole different type of game, because the characters (different people playing) work cooperatively to solve a puzzle, or rescue a town, or just kill things and take there stuff. It can be anything you want it to be. I am still learning to actually play my character, but I enjoy every session I sit in. We have even gotten our kids to play with us. It is important to be careful about who you play with and how the game is played. Since it is an interactive story...and since the story can go in really any direction the group takes it...there could be the possibility for the story to go in bad or even naughty directions. That is why picking a good group, and having a Dungeon Master who will wreak havoc, death, dismemberment, or gender change on anyone who attempts to hyjack the story to a bad place helps.

We were sitting in Hastur's games yesterday, looking for a new game to play. I was surrounded, but board games, and RPG books, miniature figures, dice, and gaming tables...and I smiled. Being a geek is fun! I have a very large bag of dice...that are all mine. I have my own gaming books. I don't have to sit on the sidelines anymore. If I wanna pretend I am an Elf...I can pretend I am an Elf...and these people completely understand!

Imaginif...

2008-12-29T20:42:00.001-07:00

...you had a person who had access to your children. This person took your children out of your care every other weekend. While the kids were with this person, rules were disregarded and laws were ignored. Like say...I don't know...maybe this person decides to take your kids hiking to the top of Mount Grandeur; in April... while there is still snow on the ground...in flip flops. Now it is not this person who is in flip flops....no way... they are wearing very warm comfortable climbing boots. It is your 7 year old little girl. What would you do?
Or lets say...hypothetically (oh right!) this person were to get a significant other. And lets say this person's car only sits 5. So this person puts said car up for sale and purchases a brand new car...that also only seats 5 people. But wait...you have four kids. The person...the significant other...the four kids...that is 6 people in a 5 people car. Two of the kids are being buckled into one car seat...OR one of the kids is being buckled in with significant other. What would you do?
And then...lets say that you hold physical custody and are responsible for the safety and well being of the kids...even when the kids are with this person...and you have asked REPEATEDLY for this person to act like a grown up and put the kids well being before this person's convenience...and the person ignores you. What would you do?

Seriously...what do I do? I have no idea what I am supposed to do to protect my kids when they are with their jerk ass of a sperm donor. He takes no consideration for their safety and it scares me. Every weekend they are with him I carry my phone waiting for the phone call from the emergency room. It is going to happen...sooner or later... I cannot sit back and wait for that day to come but I have no idea what to do. Anyone out there have any clue who I can call or what I can do?

Three months old...

2008-12-26T21:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Kaylee,

Today you are three months and one day old. Sorry I missed it yesterday, but it was Christmas day and Daddy and I had better things to do than blog...wink wink! Just kidding...we broke out his new game Arkham Horror and managed to eat up about 10 hours playing it! It was way fun! But any way...you are three months old and a total kick in the butt! We are having so much fun with you. In the last few weeks you have figured out how to use your hands...sort of. You have figured out that your hands do things and it has been unbelievably fun watching you explore them and with them. You will sit for quite awhile grasping them together and then letting go. Then you will grab your left hand with your right hand and pull the fingers. It is very exciting for you. You bat things with your fisted hands and will pull our hands toward your face when we have a bottle or binky for you. Now this all may not seem all that thrilling for you to read about...or for anyone but me to read about. But I find the look of concentration on your face facinating. I am almost as facinated watching you as you are looking at your hands. You amaze me with how fast you are learning to do things, and with your determination to figure these things out. I hope you always have that curiosity and focus.

Tonight we are going to put you to sleep for the first time in your crib. It is a sad night for both of us. You have out grown the basinett and you need to learn to sleep without us...or maybe it is that we need to learn to sleep without you. It has been so fun having you in our room with us...we are both sad that you have to go. It is one more sign that our baby girl is growing too fast.
You are fighting your first real cold right now. Luckily it hasn't been bad, just a little runny nose and cough. The first time we had to seriously suck your nose out and you woke up coughing, you looked at us as if we had betrayed you. How dare we bring you into a world where noses get stuffy and your throat hurts? What a suckfest. It was funny to see the look of betrayal! I can only say to you truthfully that it gets worse from here. I wish that I could protect you from all the suckfest things in this life. But...unfortunantly...it is usually those things that teach us the most. If it weren't for some major suckfest things happening to both your Dad and I before we met each other, we probably wouldn't have gotten together...and we wouldn't have you. Your Dad saved me from a very sad and painful life...but without that life, I wouldn't understand how amazing he is and we wouldn't have your brothers and sisters. So see...sometimes the suckfests are worth it in the end.
You are sitting next to me on Daddy's lap gooing and making spit bubbles...your favorite thing ever. Your shirt is never dry! You are bright eyed and very interested in the tapping of the key board. You laugh so often and so completely. Your smiles involve your whole body. And now...you threw up on Daddy! Good job!
We love you little bug! You are a joy to us both. You unify our family!
Love,
Mommy

The best reason

2008-12-24T10:05:00.000-07:00

Tonight is christmas eve. It is the night we remember the gift of our Saviour. It has become a little cliche to say "remember the reason for the season" and the constant nagging of our religious leaders to put Christ first sometime wears thin. I know and I understand how this gets old over time...I am cynical enough to get it. But...having said that...I wanted to write today, on this day of days, about why it is so important to me to remember him.
I am not the most religious person you will ever encounter. There are many things in my life that are out of line with the strict tenets of my religion. For any of you who read this blog with any regularity can attest...I have a problem controling my language for one. I have no problem following the BIG requirements...but it is the little ones that I have trouble with. Dispite my short commings and cynical...sometimes pessimistic outlook on life, I have an unwavering testimony of Christ. Today I share it with you...

I believe him. I didn't say that I believe in him, though I do,...I believe him. I believe he can do what he says he can do. I know that despite all my short coming and failings, if I continue to strive to overcome those aspects of me that are not what they should be, I will be saved through him. In those moments when I am weak, when the many mistakes I have made pile up at my feet, I am safe in the knowledge that he is with me. He takes it from me willingly. He suffered and died so that I might be able to learn from my mistakes. He can do that. It isn't some magical story or a theory not yet put into place. It is truth. He is my salvation...a salvation I will never achieve on my own.
On this day, I ponder what it was like for his mother...the fear she must have felt holding that baby. I believe she knew what was likely in-store for her son. I imagine there was an overwhelming desire to protect him and keep him from the hurt and pain that the world would put upon him. I have held my babies and thought of this too. My Mother-in-law once told me that it was a very good thing she wasn't in charge. Because there would be no way that she could allow harm to come to her beautiful perfect son. Not for all the world and the salvation of all mankind would she be able to let him be harmed. I echo that sentiment. I am humbled by Mary, and her strength. She allowed him to become what he needed to be, and she stood by and watched as he fullfilled his mission. How horrible that must have been, to watch your baby (even as a grown man) suffer as he did.
Then there was Joseph. The ultimate in step-parents. What an absolutely impossible situation for him. I can only imagine how hard it must have been when he learned of what was to come. What humility he must have possessed to accept the situation and to step up and be Mary's companion and Jesus' Father. I believe with all my heart the Lord blesses step parents. Their sacrifices go unheralded and their contributions are unmatched...because they don't have to be there. They choose to be there and take responsibility for children that are not their own. I have gained a deep and loving respect for Joseph over the last two years watching John with our kids.
I am grateful for the knowledge I have of these things. I am humbled by it. No matter where i go in my life and the choices I make, I am comforted by my Saviours presence beside me. I am grateful for the people that helped him to grow into the man he was destined to become.

I wish you, and everyone who maters to you, a peaceful and happy Christmas.

Kid speak...

2008-12-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

Brit - Ummm Mom...Aunt Stacie has presents under her tree. See all the presents under her tree?

Me - Yes Brit I see them.

Brit - (nervously) How come we don't have any presents under our tree?

Me - Well....(pause for dramatic effect) because our kitties will chew on the paper if we put them under the tree. So they are locked in Mom and Dad's room to protect them.

Brit - (with great relief) So we have presents?

Me - Yes...we have presents

Brit - Oh good!!!!

Now playing

2008-12-18T16:28:00.000-07:00

For school I was asked to make a training video that showed potential diversity issues in a work place. I asked a couple of my co-workers to help me and this is what was made. I post this mostly for my own amusement. Enjoy...

I pose a question...

2008-12-18T16:09:00.000-07:00

Hello my fellow blogger, friends and those of you who lurk but never speak...I have my eye on you! I have finished school for this semester and am in Lay Back City for the next couple of weeks. It is great! I really don't know what to do with myself. As I was working today, I got to thinking about Christmas traditions. Ya see...we really don't have any. I mean we have things we do on Christmas and Christmas Eve...but nothing I would call a tradition.
Then I realized that I don't really have anything I want as a tradition. I sort of like that it is up in the air and I am not locked into any mold that cannot be broken. So my question to you is...

What are your traditions...do you like them...and why???

I guess that is three questions.

I would love to hear from you. Even you lurkers out there...Ya Stacie E...I mean you.

Kid Speak...

2008-12-14T11:16:00.000-07:00

(Context - John and I are listening from another room while the kids play together)

Breena - "and my superpower will be indivisability!"

John to me - she doesn't allow things to be divided? Who is her nemesis going to be?

Me to John - The evil fractal and his side kick subtraction

John to me - YES! and their henchmen... the lowest common denominators!

The crazy economy

2008-12-05T16:05:00.000-07:00

I couple of days ago my husband and I were out shopping for Christmas. We were at a local store getting a few last things for family members. As we checked out, the sales clerk hesitantly asked if we would like to donate to a charity that the store was sponsoring. She asked and then braced herself as if she was about to be either hit or at least verbally abused. It was subtle, but both John and I noticed it. We indicated that we would like to donate. Her response was "You do?" It is hard to convey the level of amazement in her voice. She was so shocked that we were willing to do this. When we got to the car, John commented about her reaction. It was so obvious to both of us that she had probably been told no...likely many times with an angry rant about the economy. It was also sad that so many people don't understand how much they must do these things...this year especially.
I am in no way and expert on the economy. I don't presume to have all the answers, but I do understand cause and effect. You see...if no one is buying anything...stores are not selling anything...which means people are not needed to sell anything...which means said people are not able to earn money to buy anything. It is a very vicious cycle. People loose jobs and we hear doom and gloom, so everyone starts holding back their money, then more people loose their jobs, then the government start taxing those of us with jobs to help those whom have not, so those with jobs who now must pay higher taxes spend even less...and more people loose their jobs. So...here is my thoughts on how to improve the economy... and it is nothing new.

If you got it...spend it.

Donate to the same charities that you give to every year. In fact, if you have a stable job and money to spend, count yourself lucky and give more than you would normally. My husbands company laid off 300 employees a couple of weeks ago. Thankfully we were not among them. We have counted our blessing ever since.
Now I am not advocating going hog wild and blindly spending what you do not have. No way. That is primarily what got us all in this problem to begin with. What I am saying is, don't hold back. If you have been waiting all year for "Dark Knight" to come out...go get it. When you grocery shop...buy the Oreos...just go ahead and buy them. The stocker will appreciate the job security. When you go out to eat...get the dessert...even if you have to take it home to eat later. Tip well if you can. The governement can try and fix this, but if the citizens don't put money into the economy...there will be no economy.
So...pay your bills, put a little in savings, and then spend what is left. It is more fun that way!

Two months today

2008-11-25T21:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Kaylee,

Today you are officially two months old. You are so big! In these two months you have put several pounds on. You have grown more than is fair. I told you to stay little sweet girl. I am sure this isn't the only thing you will defy me on.
You have developed quite the personality. There are times when you are vocalizing, and I swear you have turned yourself inside out attempting to talk to us. You pull the cutest faces and you have absolutely no problem letting us know when you are displeased with something we have done. I watch you watching me talk and I can literally see the wheels in your head turning. You can see that my mouth moves and you mimic me trying to make the same sounds come out. It is all very exciting to you.

As amazing as it is to watch you, it is more amazing to watch your Daddy with you. This is a man who regularly rants about how people irritate him. He can be very dark and broody when he feels like it. When he is with you, it is like a light ignites in him. He giggles and goos. You can reduce this imposing man to a baby talking fool! He would stand on his head if it would get you to smile! Your baby squeals and jabbers make him laugh from his soul...and that sound is magical! It is healing and wonderful. I love to hear him laugh. I love to hear you laugh with him.
We went to have family pictures taken today. I had pictures taken of you when you were 2 weeks old. You really didn't like having those done, but I thought that it might have been that you were so young. Well...after today I think it is just that you hate to have your picture taken. You were happy before the pictures and happy after the pictures, but cried in almost all of them. So later in life, when you look at these pictures and in every one you are pulling a funny face, just know that we tried. You are such a beautiful little girl. You are going to have to get over this, because we are going to take LOTS of pictures.
Well baby girl, it is time to go. You are hungry and we are tired. You still haven't figured out how to sleep through the night. We would be eternally grateful if you would please get this figured out soon. Mom and Dad are too old to be this sleep deprived.
I love you with all my heart sweet bug!
Love, Mommy

My last day

2008-11-14T13:50:00.000-07:00

Today is the last day of my maternity leave. I go back to work on Monday. It is so hard to face that reality. I don't want to go back. I have always worked. With my other children I worked because I had no choice. If Brent had to work, so did I...period. We were trying to buy a house and frankly I made more money than him. Now with John, although we have a house and all, I still have to work because one income doesn't cover the bills. I hate feminism.

I know that women fought hard for equality and for the right to vote...and I am grateful for their efforts. But seriously, what was so bad about staying home and being a good wife, homemaker, and mother. I guess I am just old fashioned, and seriously, I would have to have something else to do besides cleaning the house. Otherwise, I would get very depressed. But, I don't want to be a bread winner. I don't want to have someone else see my babies first. I missed everyone of my kids firsts. You know, like the first time they sat up, the first time they walked, the first time they spoke. Hell, I didn't even potty train my kids. My babysitter did. She got to see all of those things, not me. She was great and pretended that they hadn't happened, but I always knew when she had seen something before I did. I hate that I missed that and I really don't want to miss it again.

On top of that I hate that I have to miss things my older children do. I don't get to go on field trips and help in their classrooms. I have enjoyed the last seven weeks just being a mom. I haven't had to choose between my children and my job and it has been awesome. I don't want it to end.

Ideally I would love to work from home. There is just nothing that I can do from here that would give me as much money as I am making now. Being successful in my job has become a very double edged sword. I should have stuck to working at fast food restaurants and the candy store. Those places don't pay very well. It would have been much easier to quit these kinds of jobs to stay home. I had to be ambitious and go get a real job, with real benefits and a real retirement. What was I thinking??? And you know what, I love my job. I like the people I work with and the company I work for. It makes it a little easier to go back. But I look around my house and at my kids and wish it were different. I envy my sisters who don't have to work. I know that in some ways they wish they could work and look forward to the time when they can again. It is so funny...we always wish for the other don't we?

I will take a deep breath and head back to work. I know my sister will pretend for me and not tell me all the things she sees my baby do before I do. She will be the one to see my kids when they get home from school and hear all the exciting things they did that day. She will, in many ways, be their mom as she always has been.

Today she is 9.

2008-11-13T15:02:00.000-07:00

Today my little girl turns 9. I cannot believe it has been 9 years since she entered my life. I always rolled my eyes when parents would tell me how fast I was growing. To me, I was growing very slowly and I couldn't wait to be big. I watch my kids grow now and I want to make time stop. I blink and another year goes by.

I am going to start something new. Since I was not with it enough when my older four were babies to journal, I am going to start now. My kids always ask me to tell them about when they were babies and what they were like when they were little. They have asked more often since Kaylee was born, so I am going to start writing to them. Today is Dana's birthday so I will start with her.

Dear Dana,

You are nine years old today!!! That is 108 months old! I remember the day that you were born. Mercifully you chose to come two weeks early! You were already a very cooperative child and I thank you. You were a surprise to us. I hadn't planned on having another child until Breena was 3 or so. She was 15 months old when you were born. You were so pretty. I remember thinking that when they placed you in my arms the first time. You had this tiny little nose and very petite features. It was obvious that you were a little girl. No one mistook you for a boy. You were so sweet and good natured. You even slept through the night the first night you were home with me!
We had two names picked out for you. Dana Whitney and Gillian Lhotze. Your Dad had a thing for wanting to name each of you after mountains. When I held you, you were so little, the name Gillian was just way too big for you. Dana fit better. Uncle Jared had climbed Mt Whitney with Brent just a few months before you were born. He left for Nicaragua on a mission just 5 days before you came. It was fitting that you be named after that mountain.
You were always so smiley! I loved to snuggle with you and listen to you tell me "stories". You would coo and gurgle and giggle. You learned to walk when you were about 10 months old. Which was very helpful because by that time I was pregnant with your little brother Drake. You all were in such a hurry to get here!
You were and are so different from Breena. When she wanted to climb and be overly active, you preferred to be calm and quiet. I could sit you down with a Oriental trading company magazine and you would look through it for hours. It was sometime easy to over look you because you were so calm and undemanding. I hope you never felt unimportant. You are and always have been so important to me. I worry sometimes that you get lost in the shuffle.
You are me in so many ways. I see a lot of my characteristics in you. We tease you sometimes about your sense of humor, or lack there of. I know what it is like to always look at things from a literal perspective and miss the joke entirely. You are so much like me. You think on a deep level and you are able to apply actual life experiences. You learn from life around you and you worry about people. I hope you never loose that ability. It is so important and you have learned it at such a young age.
I know that the divorce hurt you and I know that you still don't entirely understand why it happened. I hope someday you will be able to understand, but I think you will need to live a little longer before you can really understand why Brent and I couldn't stay together. You were always in tune to what was happening in our home. You asked me several times, months before we split, if we were going to get divorced. I wish I could go back and prepare you a little better for what was to come, but I didn't even know at that time where things were headed.
You are a joy to me Dana! You are one of the best things to have ever happened to me. Thank you for letting me be your Mother. I am sorry that I fall short sometimes, but I try so hard to be the kind of Mother you need. You make me a better person.

I love you my sweet Dewey!
Happy Birthday!

Love, Mom

He wins!

2008-11-03T09:43:00.000-07:00

I am going to write today a blog that has been a long time coming. This is likely going to make you, my genteel reader, a little sick with the sappiness of it; and John, my husband and the focus of the blog, a little red behind the ears...he is so cute when he does that. I am sorry John, but this must be written. So here is your warning...

IF YOU ARE EASILY MADE SICK BY UNRESTRAINED SAPPINESS, YOU WILL WANT TO SKIP THIS POST!!!

There...you have been warned.

John and I have been married now for a little over 19 months. When I first started dating him, I really liked him, but I was just barely divorced and I worried that he might be just a rebound guy. I SO did not want him to be a rebound guy. But he was a single unburdened guy and I was a very recently divorced single mother of four. What could he possibly want with that messy situation? Luckily for me he was...

1 serious about dating me
2 very aware of the crap that goes through a persons head after a divorce
3 extremely patient
4 unwaveringly brave

I have spent a lot of time over the last year and a half or so comparing my life now to what it was before. I have come to learn that this is something that happens whether you want it to or not. John and I talk about everything and for a while, in the beginning, we even sort of made the comparison a game. We would start talking about various aspects of personalities, habits, emotions, etc. and decided who won in the various categories, the hat or John.

While I am not going to go into any serious details, I can honestly say that John wins. In every category. No matter how you break it down, no matter what angle you look at it, he wins. For me, he is perfect.

But you see it goes so much deeper than just simply "he is better than the last one". John is my perfect match. How's that for a rebound relationship huh! He is my heart and soul. Strange, how that happened, I never believed in that kind of sentiment before. I wanted to. I tried to pretend that Brent was everything I ever needed or wanted. It wasn't until I found John that I learned what that all was. In fact, I didn't even completely understand how screwed up my first marriage was until I was married to John. Don't get me wrong, I knew it was screwed up and that I was really unhappy. I wouldn't have divorced him if I wasn't feeling those things. But...it wasn't until I lived in this relationship that I have come to understand exactly how bad it was. I am still discovering things that were missing or completely wrong now, a year and a half later. And it makes me angry. I didn't hate him when I asked for the divorce. I was sad and overwhelmed by guilt, but I didn't hate him. I have come to hate him a lot over the last 19 months.

I said earlier that John was brave. Oh, this is not an overstatement. This amazing man took on a broken woman. I was seriously broken when we started dating and even the first several months of our marriage were an emotional roller coaster for him. I think in some ways I am still a little broken. I am trying to mend those parts of me, but it will take time and patients. Thankfully he has that as well. In addition to dealing with broken me, he took on 4 kids. My kids are great. But they are difficult for him in many ways. He didn't have kids before, though you could never tell. He is such a natural parent. He is a better parent than I am by a long shot. I am too bendable. I have terrible follow through and I forget that a parents job is to teach not just love. I loved my kids, but I taught them very little. They lacked some very fundamental skills that they would need later in life. He also understands that sometimes to teach, you have to let the hard lesson be learned. I have never been good at that. All my kids had to do was cry a little or look upset and I would back completely off a punishment. Like I said...I lack follow through. He isn't mean, though sometimes the kids think so. He is consistent. He tries so hard to make them understand that doing the right things the right way gets you nothing but good, and doing the wrong things is really really un-fun. He is brave, because he takes this on. He faces them unwaveringly. He listens to them rave about how great their Dad is, all the while it is John who helps them brush their teeth. It is John who gets up at the crack of dawn to get them to school. It is John who pays for dental work when Brent wouldn't. It is John who gets up with them in the middle of the night when they are sick or scared. It is John who will sit for hours and plays games with them. It is John who takes time off work to go to an important event at school. It is John who goes to every single parent teacher conference. It is John who loves them like a father should. I only hope that one day they will see and understand the difference between the man that they call Dad, and the one who really is a Dad to them. John is the bravest man I know.

I spent a great deal of my former life trying to find ways to be away from Brent. I went out with friends, to church functions, I worked late, I hung out at my parents or my sisters house. I found any excuse possible to not go home to him. Now all I want to do is be home. I have the best time with John. It doesn't matter what we do or where we go. As long as I am with him I am good. He is my best friend and really the only person I want to hang with.

I am so lucky! It is hard to accept sometimes that my life is this good. I get a little neurotic about it some days, like I am going to wake up and it will all have been in my head and I am back in my old life. Not that everything is perfect, we have our problems like everyone else. But I think it is as close to perfect as we can get. I adore this man. I adore everything about him. I love him exactly as he is and I hope to heaven that he never changes.

Funky...

2008-10-31T10:02:00.000-06:00

I am in a funk today. I don't know why, but I don't even want to leave my room. My kids are home today, and I should want to go hang with them...but I don't. Today is Halloween and I should want to get all dressed up, even if I am just hanging at home...but I don't. I should get up and clean my house. I should finish my school paper. I should get dressed. I should want to breath in and out...but I really don't. Luckily my body wants air so it takes care of that despite my desire.

I hate these kinds of days.

About that last post

2008-10-30T14:20:00.000-06:00

People are dumb. I shouldn't be a surprise to anyone, but people are also incredibly insensitive. What is it with people that makes them think that just because I once lived in the same neighborhood as them they know me. You don't know me. Frankly, most of you will never know me. I am not a touchy feely person who is going to open up about my deepest darkest secrets just because you acknowledged my presence. So you live next door or across the street, that doesn't give you free access to me.

I hate these kind of people. You know, the people who "love you" too much. Who just want to be "your friend". These are the people who stand out in their yard, or in the hallway after church and pass the latest gossip around. These are the people who give hugs every time they see each other and squeal over things like how "totally cute" your new shoes are. I don't need you to validate my latest shoe purchase! I liked them, whether you like them too is completely irrelevant to me. In fact the idea that you honestly like them gives me pause and the worry that I should reconsider my purchase. My brother once referred to these people as the "beautiful people". These are the former cheerleaders/ dance company participants/ aspiring interior decorators of the world. And they totally piss me off. These are the women who go to restaurants and order salads and drink water with a slice of lemon. These are the women who spend so much time trying to convince everyone, including themselves, that they are the perfect wife, mother, etc. All the while they secretly hate their husband and wish they had something better to do than their hair. These are the people who would never even consider the "D" word no matter how miserable their marriage. After all...what would people think!!!

I will never like these people. I will never be able to be friends with these people, because guess what? I am divorced! (gasp) My husband has been divorced twice! (oh dear lord in heaven above) I do not have a single piece of "fruffy decor" in my entire home. I have dragons in my kitchen and I LOVE IT. Most of them are mine, not my husbands. I wear big stompy boots on occasion. My kids are messy (meaning - normal), my house is often messy. I swear...a lot. When I go out to eat, I order food...actual food...with like food in it and stuff. I drink diet soda...a lot of diet soda. Mostly because it keeps me from drinking other things that are much more offensive to these people's delicate sensitivities. I don't care what is happening in so-and-so's life. If so-and-so wants me to know about their life, they can come talk to me about it.
I don't pretend that everything is perfect. I work outside the home. I am not a stay at home mom. I wish I was. I wish I could stay home and just take care of my kids. But life sucks and bills must be paid...so I work. My husbands entire wardrobe consists of black. He wears a skull ring and leather wrist bands, occasionally adorned with spikes. He is also the most amazing person I have ever known and one of the most spiritual people I have ever known...so suck it! A white shirt and return missionary papers does not a spiritual giant make...just so you know.

In short...I am a real person. I have scars and battle wounds. They make me interesting. And if you could stop trying so hard to be my BFF, and let your perfectly done hair down a little, you might become interesting too. Until then, you are just a facade sweet heart. Go play with your friends and leave me the hell alone.

Ways to piss me off...

2008-10-30T14:08:00.000-06:00

Walk up to me and call me by my former name. Then follow that with "but that is not your name anymore! I heard you got divorced...what happened??? He is such a nice guy!!!"

Don't be surprised when I jam a fork in your forehead you miserable stupid moron!

First of all...I barely know you! What the hell???

Secondly...You have had, WHAT, like two conversations with him in your life? I was married to him for 12 years. I think I know who is more qualified to determine how "nice" he really is.

This is where you can kiss my ass.

1 month old

2008-10-27T10:47:00.000-06:00

Dear Kaylee,

I read a blog where every month the blogger writes to her little girl. She started when the baby was first born and the little girl is now 4 years old. I liked this idea, I wish I had done this when your brothers and sisters were babies. I feel like I missed so much of their lives when they were little like you are. I don't want to miss anything else.

You turned one month old on Saturday. It is so surreal that a month has gone by already. I want time to slow down so that I can hold onto "little you" for a little while longer. Not that I don't want you to grow up, I am excited to see the beautiful girl you will become. I just want you to take your time getting there. You are doing everything too fast. You have put on a couple of pounds since we brought you home and your face is starting to loose that new born look. You can hold your head up really well and even your cry is starting to sound more like a kid and less like a new born. Please stay little for a while longer. Please...

You don't sleep particularly well, and I have done a bad job of teaching you how and where to sleep. Some of this comes from laziness. I am tired at night and it is easier to lay down with you than to stay up and get you to sleep in your own bed. Laziness is only one small part, the other is the truth that I love holding you. I love feeling you relax and cuddle up next to me. I love that you hold my fingers when you need comfort. You do this when I put you to sleep and when I feed you. I enjoy the idea that all you need to feel safe is being next to mom and dad. I hope this is always true. I want to soak up as much of "little you" as possible. Soon enough you won't want to cuddle with me. You will have too much to do and will be busy learning and growing. I can sleep then. For now, I just want to hold you and hold your little hands.

I love you little bug. I can't pretend that having you was easy. Deciding to have you almost ripped my heart out. It was such a big decision and there was so much to consider. I was so unbelievably happy when we finally agreed to have a baby. But then I got pregnant. I hurt so much and I was so sick little Kaylee; so much more so than with your brothers and sisters. Your Daddy was so patient with me, because I complained a lot. He took such good care of us. He loves us so much.

Right now you are sleeping curled up next to me and you are perfect. You keeping smiling in your sleep like you know something I don't know. I wish I could see into your little head and find out what is so funny. The light from the window is highlighting your hair. Oh my, you have so much hair. We have no idea where it came from. With the light on it, it looks auburn. And now you just woke up! You have the cutest wrinkly forehead! And these big dark eyes. I hope they stay dark. Your Daddy's eyes are my favorite and I really hope yours are like his.

Your hungry now sweet bug, so I need to go feed you. Please stay sweet and know that no matter how hard it was or will be...you are worth it!

Love,
Mommy

Reasons...

2008-10-22T16:21:00.000-06:00

I watch him with her and I feel joy. He feels joy...she feels love.

And then I want to cry...

Because they have never known that from you.

Because you failed them in the most basic interaction a father can have with a child.

Because, no matter how he tries, he cannot fill this hole you made.

Because they deserve better.

Kid Speak...

2008-10-22T16:18:00.000-06:00

John: You better decide fast or I'm gonna make you watch a dumb chick movie.

Brit: Awww...I don't want to watch a dumb chick movie!!!!

Introducing...

2008-09-30T15:03:00.000-06:00

This is our new little girl Kaylee. She is an absolutely sweet little girl. We are so very happy and unbelievably blessed.

The kids are really happy, with the exception of Brit who is just disconcerted that she was not a boy. He wanted a boy. He is coming around though. We just hope is school teacher survives his adjustment period.

Kid Speak...

2008-09-19T08:23:00.001-06:00

Dana - "I am being punished because of other kids"

me - "Wait...what do you mean your being punished?"

Dana - "I have to write this same sentence 68 times because other kids have problems"

me - "So your teacher is making you write lines because other students were bad in class?"

Dana - "well their hand writting is bad."

me - "So...this is a handwritting assignment...not a punishment?"

Dana - "It is a punishment for me!!!!"

me - "I'm sorry sweetie...school sucks some times!"

Dana - "School is fine...it is the assignments that suck."

I like this...

2008-09-19T08:23:00.000-06:00

The crisp coolness in the air that means the heat and the sun are going away.

Pumpkin pie smothered in whip cream.

Being able to call my co-workers "me matey" all day long...and they play along.

Only 6 more days...and whether she wants to or not...she will be here.

Reasons...

2008-09-18T10:08:00.000-06:00

accuse me of "dumping" things at your home when you are the hypocritical ass who dumps useless DI things in my home EVERY OTHER WEEKEND!

It was only one thing...

and you are supposed to be his father. Your supposed to care about him more than you.

At least he has someone who does that now...Thank Heaven!

Can we be done now?

2008-09-16T12:37:00.000-06:00

I am 38 weeks pregnant and I was diagnosed on monday with a kidney infection. My little sister has problems with her kidneys. She gets regular kidney infections. I have never had one before. I now relate to her in a way I would rather not have. This is potentially the most painful illness I have ever had. It is escalated a bit because of my pregnancy, but holy hell. I had to be put on a strong antibiotic and a pain medicine both of which make me extremely sick to my stomach. I have managed to keep my small meals down today, but yesterday nothing stayed where it should. On top of that fun, I have this sharp stabbing pain in my back that actually runs the entire length of the left side of my body.

As if that were not enough all by itself. The baby has not slowed down her movements at all. She is kicking the crap out of me and I keep having contractions.

I am SO ready to be done with all of this. I want the pain to end. I want my body back. I want to be able to eat a meal without feeling like I am going to throw up afterward. I want this to be over with.

Kid speak...

2008-09-11T09:10:00.000-06:00

Drake - "Mom...when are you going to let Kaylee out?"

me - "Drakie, I can't make her come out. She will come out when she is ready"

Drake - "Can't you just push or something?"

me - "ummm...it doesn't really work that way"

Kid speak...

2008-09-10T08:53:00.000-06:00

Brit - "I wish I had superpowers."

Me- "Me too. What Power would you have?"

Brit - "I want the fowse...so I can open dows wif my mind"

Me - "Good plan Brit!"

Breaking Dawn - How I really feel

2008-09-08T08:07:00.000-06:00

Ok. So I am going to preface this with a spoiler alert. I am going to speak about the book Breaking Dawn - Stephanie Meyer. I am going to do it in a way that will reveal all of the books plot points and secrets. If you wish to not know...DO NOT READ THIS POST.

Preface number two...my brother will enjoy this post way too much.

I enjoyed the first three books in this series. I thought she wrote compelling characters and had a good story - for a chicklit - which is exactly what these books were meant to be. I liked the twist she gave vampires and was ok that they weren't typical blood sucking fiends. So the fourth and final book in the series was released in August. There were parties, food, and fun. People celebrated in the streets. Thousands upon thousands of these books were sold in the first few hours. We finally had the end of the story. Oh happy day!!!

I was not among the festivities. Not because I am above such things. Heck no! I would happily dress up and party at midnight with fellow geeks at any number of sci-fi/fantasy events. I wasn't there for two reasons. One, I am extremely, uncomfortably pregnant. And two, because I just don't feel that way about these books. I liked them (note the past tense - foreshadowing at its best people!). I just wasn't in love with them. So, the day the book came out, I did get a copy, but then I set it on my shelf and figured I would get to it when I felt like it.

I finally decided last weekend to start reading it. Mostly because I was sick of all the spoilers I was hearing. I wanted to be able to sit in a restaurant and eat without having to plug my ears and hum while the ladies at the booth next to me loudly discuss the finer points of the book. So I pulled the book off the shelf and began reading. My sister Stacie, who is by the way an uber Meyer fan, did not like this book. She was good enough to keep her reasons why to herself so that I could decide for myself. The book is divided into three books actually. The first is about Bella and her wedding to Edward. The second is written from Jacob, the spurned best friend and former love interest's perspective. Then the third book goes back to Bella.

So I read this book... I HATED THIS BOOK! There are no lukewarm feeling here people. I hated this book with a bleeding passion that destroyed the entire series for me.

Stephanie Meyers has no depth...at all. Even a little. She is gutless and cannot allow any one of her characters to suffer at all. Even if it is for the greater good. She lives in LA LA land where everything is perfect and beautiful and magically everything works out. She should go and write LDS romance novels and stick to that genre. Because you cannot...absolutely cannot...write about vampires where no one gets hurt and nothing bad really ever happens. Get a new genre woman!

Through the whole series, she had detailed the many things Bella would have to give up in order to have her vampire. She would have to give up:

her life
her family
her ability to have children
her friendship with Jacob
her humanity
her free will (for the first few years) as she adjusted to being a blood thirsty vampire

That is a lot to give up. But she loved him so much and so completely, these sacrifices were worth it. Edward was her happiness, and she was willing to walk away from all of those things to have him.

So the fourth book begins at the preparation for Bella's wedding. The wedding is supposed to usher in her transformation to vampire as stipulated by the Voltari. This is an ancient vampire sect in Italy that has taken on the task of keeping the vampire realm hidden from the human world. Once Bella was aware of vampires, the Voltari required that she either become vampire or die. Bella wants to wait to become a vampire until she has experienced sex as a mortal. The only one she wants to do this with is Edward, who will not engage in such activities until they are properly married. He is an old fashioned vampire after all. Ok, they get married, leave to a private island his family owns, and engage in marital relations...which produce a CHILD! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? He is a vampire! UNDEAD UNDEAD UNDEAD! Not capable of inseminating someone. He doesn't even have fluids for hell's sake!

This thing is a half vampire/half human child who grows at an alarming rate. Within a very short time of the conception (we are talking weeks) the child is large enough and strong enough to break her bones and practically kill her. They learn that in order for the demon child to exit her womb, it would have to chew its way out. The birthing process would absolutely kill her. Of course they find a way to save her, by injecting vampire venom directly into her heart one moment before her death as the child exits her now thrashed and bleeding body. They save her and she is now vampire Bella. The baby? Oh the baby is sweet! The perfect angel who drinks blood. Everyone, I mean everyone is absolutely enamored with this child. Including Bella's best friend/spurned boyfriend/werewolf Jacob, who is hanging around these vampires because he is a masochistic moron. He IMPRINTS on the child. Which in Meyerland means he and she bond, on the day of her birth, and will absolutely end up being married and together forever! Oh happy day...EWWWWWWWWW!!! He is seventeen, she is an infant, and the off spring of the girl he has had naughty spank dreams about!

This made me throw the book. I had to walk away for a moment. Then I came back.

Bella, miraculously, is absolutely beautiful and doesn't seem to suffer ANY (NOT EVEN ONE) of the known side effect of being a newborn vampire. She is more graceful, fast, coordinated and in absolute control of her lust for blood. EVERY OTHER VAMPIRE ON THE PLANET HAD TO SPEND THE FIRST YEAR OF THEIR EXISTENCE MASTERING THEIR CONTROL, BUT NOT BELLA! She is just that good. On top of that, all of the human feelings, needs and desires that she was prepared to loose. NOT ONE was lost. She still felt the same as before, in fact those feelings were just THAT MUCH MORE INTENSE! paaaleeeaseee!!!!

So...lets keep score shall we. Bella had to give up a whole bunch of things to have this life with Edward right? The choice was worth the sacrifices that were required right? So lets review...

her life - well ya...but really going from a clutz to a beautiful, coordinated immortal...not really a sacrifice.
her ability to have children - nope! apparently not!
her friendship with Jacob - nope...he is gonna be an in law!!!
her humanity - nope...everything is just that much better!!!
her free will (for the first few years) as she adjusted to being a blood thirsty vampire - Nope...she is the ONLY VAMPIRE IN RECORDED HISTORY to not have to suffer this terrible first year of transformation.

her family - I am getting to this.

Her relationship with her father, who was supposed to be made to believe that she and Edward were killed tragically on their honeymoon, was supposed to be over. For his safety. The Voltari would demand his death if he were told about the vampires. Well, conveniently, Jacob goes to Charlie and shows old Chuck what a werewolf looks like. He explains a little about the crazy world they live in and explains, very vaguely that Bella is now a part of that world. And wouldn't you know it...Charlie doesn't want to know the details. He is just happy that Bella is happy and that she can be in his life. He decides he can live without knowing the details of what she really has become. He is just COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH HIS GRANDBABY! Who, incidentally at the age of three months has a full set of teeth, speaks in complete sentences when she is not using mind control, walks, and hunts prey! We find out later that poor old Jake will only have to wait 7 years for her to fully mature before he can get all up in that!

UUUUUHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! Bleck!

It gets worse from there. Seriously...it does.

Bella does not have to give up a single thing. The end of the book is a happy ending that would seriously make the Disney people throw up a little in their mouth. She didn't require anything of her main character which made her flat, boring and pathetic.

Mike was right. John was right.

I feel dirty...the stench of this book will live with me long.

The small stuff...

2008-05-04T20:55:00.000-06:00

I am realizing lately that if you read this blog on any regular basis, you may think that I am a rather unhappy, somewhat indignant person. That is because I tend to write to vent. This is not a good habit. First of all, writing only when you are angry or frustrated scars the soul. Second, it gives the wrong impression.

I am blessed...amazingly and undeservedly blessed.

Over the last few weeks I have been reading a blog written by a family. This amazing family has been struck with a heartbreaking illness. Their 9 month old son contracted streptococcus pneumonia in the form of an ear infection that went into his brain and became an extremely damaging form of meningitis. This perfect baby is now left deaf, likely blind and with brain damage.

If this happened to me, I would spend many many hours crying and likely cursing my father in heaven. I just don't face tragedy with quiet faith and dignity. This family is quite the opposite. They have shared every moment of the last three months through their blog. If they are bitter and angry over what has happened to their child, it does not show through in their writing. I am sure they have their quiet moments where tears flow and anger surfaces, but they buckle down and face the challenges ahead with that faith and dignity that I know down in my heart I lack. They are amazing people and I have become addicted to reading their entries and allowing it to change my point of view.

I have four amazing healthy kids, I have a warm home and a perfect husband who I adore more than there are words to express. We are having our 5th child in September and as of our ultrasound she is health and doing great.

There are things that matter in this world...and there are things that just don't. Rob, the father of this little boy, said in one post that this trial has taught him the meaning of the phrase "don't sweat the small stuff." I am going to try to put these words to better use in my own life.

The most useless day

2008-04-01T12:11:00.000-06:00

Today is April 1st...traditionally known as April fool's day. This is a day where people can engage in the pleasure of making an ass out of anyone they so choose. This day pits co-worker against co-worker, family against family and friend against friend.

I hate this day.

If there were one holiday I could erase completely from history it would be this day. It is likely I feel this way because on this day I take on the roll of the foolie rather than the fooler. I do not gain pleasure from making others feel stupid. I don't enjoy rubbing a well thoughtout prank in someones face. Maybe I just don't have the time on my hands that others do. I really don't like to be laughed at because I "fell for it". I mean...seriously...I am an easy target. It is not a challenge to get me with a prank. No one should pat themselves on the back for pulling a joke on me. I am amature material.

Three times in a one hour period...one by my CEO. He promised doughnuts. What heartless, souless fiend promises a pregnant woman doughnuts and then laughs when she goes to get it and there is none.

I hate this day....and now I want a doughnut.

My head really casplode this time!

2008-01-27T20:24:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I went back to school this semester. I decided that I really needed to go back and finish that pesky Bachelors degree that I was never able to finish up before. Why.... it is not like I don't already have a job I love in my field. Well for Two reasons...

Reason 1 - I have this amazing husband who loves and supports me in every single thing I want to do. Seriously, for the men who may be reading this, you DO NOT want your wives to find out what my husband does for me and our family. It will bring shame upon you! You will look far beyond bad. Case in point. I am studying for school and blogging. John, well he has been doing the laundry, cleaning the kitchen, caring for the children and getting them ready for bed. And that is just today. I could go on, but I will save that blog for another day.

Reason 2 - My Father. He asks me on a regular basis when I am going back to school. It is really important to him that I graduate. He's my Dad....he has expectations.

So I decided to jump back in with both feet. It has only been 10 years since I graduated with my A.S. right?

I took BIOCHEMISTRY!!! What was I thinking!!! My first exam is on Wednesday and I have this terrible feeling I am going to be on the leeward side of the curve....ya know, the one that is more desert than lush forest.

I couldn't just start off easy. Take a regular biology class first, ease back into it. NO, I had to take the hardest class in my options to pick from. I have been studying all day. On top of that, I study almost every day. It isn't like I have been slacking. I have kept up on my reading, and I have attended all the lecture sessions and extra discussion session. (That is a first for me! Back in the day, I wouldn't have even crack the book until the day before the exam and I would usually sleep through the class. ) I have worked really hard to not only memorize what I need, but also really understand the concepts being taught. I even audio record the lectures so I can go back and listen to them again. I have listened to each lecture at least twice.

I still think I am going to fail. The Prof posted some old exams on line for us to look at and I couldn't answer half of the questions. I am in so much trouble.......

On a happier note, I passed the CQA exam I posted about last time.

My head casplode!!!

2007-11-26T23:28:00.000-07:00

I have hit a wall.

It is a big, gigantic...dare I admit gargantuan wall.

On Saturday I take the CQA exam. What is that you ask? It is a nationally recognized self induced torture my friends. It is the stupidity of trying to add depth to my knowledge in hopes of someday increasing my value in the work force. No one asked me to take this incredibly subjective, completely asinine, and unbelievably expensive test. I did this to myself. For some reason studying for hours upon hours, taking practice test after practice test, getting up at 6 am on a Saturday, and taking 5 hours to answer 150 questions that in no way relate to the information I have been studying sounded fun!

The wall is big my friends! I can study no more. I cannot answer anymore questions. I have been unable to achieve higher than a 75% on the practice tests and that is with an open book. The questions, when they aren't completely subjective, are reliant entirely on my ability to decode the authors semantics. They are, IN NO WAY, based on the content of the reading.

Certified Quality Auditor my left posterior article! I will be a certified linguistic code breaker! That is...IF I PASS! If not then I will be certifiable but that is about it.
I want to scream and hit things, but my kids are asleep.

A crazy little thing called....physics

2007-10-21T10:50:00.000-06:00

This morning, two of my children got a hands on lesson in Newtonian physics. It is always painful when these things happen. Very few of these lessons end well. For my kids, things went better than they might have....small favors. Like almost all Newtonian lessons, stupidity played a major roll. Many of the yearly Darwin awards are adjudged to individuals testing physical laws. In this case, though, it was more lack of experience stupidity than pure moronic stupidity.

My son populates the top bunk in the room he shares with his little brother. This bunk bed has been a source of many a minor injury as it is used less as a bed and more as catapult/jungle gym/antediluvian torture device. They find new and better ways to hurt each other every day. This morning, my husband and I were torn from sleep by a very loud and vicious thump. I went to investigate with John on my heals. When I entered the room, my son was laying on the bottom bunk clutching his stomach. My oldest daughter was sitting next to him comforting him with the very compassionate words..."your not gonna die Drake". I inquired about the sound and apparent resultant injury. My question was met with immediate silence and the fearful look of the guilty. I pressed further for an explanation. Their eyes met for only the briefest of moments and then Drake said..."Breena kicked me and I flew into the wall" I was enraged! She shot back..."it was his idea" For a moment I was taken aback...it was his idea for his sister to kick him into a wall? Intriguing! I questioned further.

Seems my son got the grand and very idiotic idea that if you hang from the underside of the top bunk, you can swing out. If someone is standing next to the bed, you can kick him/her ninja style. It is all very TMNT. He had performed this stunt on his older and, might I add, much larger/heavier sister with no apparent ill result. He then decided, since is went so well when he tried it on her, that they should reverse rolls. He did think ahead. It appears he was worried about being struck. In an attempt to protect himself from the impact, he held his large oversize teddy bear in front of him as padding. You see... he's no dummy!

Here comes the physics lesson. 52 pound Drake, pitted against a 78 pound Breena. Add in velocity and the small area of impact (only her feet). It all equals NOT GOOD!

His sister mounted the bed and prepared to swing out. As she moved to attack, a premonitory "high-ya" tore from her lips. Her feet connected with the teddy bear. Drake flew backwards and into the wall. Physics in action my friends!

They weren't punished heavily. The lesson was self taught.

Global Warming verse Al Gore...which is the real farse?

2007-10-19T19:16:00.000-06:00

Well my fine friends...or in this case my brother who is really the only person who reads this. Al Gore has taken a hit. Poor guy can't even legitimately win a Nobel. Check out this link...http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,303525,00.html

Seems that a Judge ruled that students who watch his Goreumentary on global warming must be warned of its lack of substantiated scientific information. There is also discussion that more that 25% of the film would need to be removed due to its lack of scientific data, falsifications, and blatant impossibilities. Give it a read. I know I found it interesting.

The mystery yet unresolved

2007-09-25T20:52:00.000-06:00

The young ones are tucked in bed. Once again earlier than required as a punishment for breaking one of the very simple rules of the house. We have 5 rules in our house. They are basic. I think most homes have them. They are:

1 - no running (you could squish a cat)
2- no jumping off of things (you could squish a cat or hurt the squishy parts of you)
3- no throwing things (you could break things or get broken by things)
4- be honest and trustworthy (never lie...ever...it is so much worse)
5- be polite and respectful (if it ain't yours, don't mess with it. If it is yours, put it away)

I sit here on my couch in my pajamas. My frosty toes wrapped in a blanket hoping insulation and friction might one day soon bring them warmth. Coke Zero, a sad substitute for the cookies in the pantry, is going down like butter beer on a Hogsmead weekend. I'm contemplating the difficulty of these 5 simple rules.

My offspring believe, with the whole of their hearts, that these 5 rules are the most unjust of all rules. If we were to search the lengths and breadths of the land we would be want to find any other rules as unjust and truly horrible as the 5 we have inflicted upon these poor mistreated children.

Three days in a row we have had to sit down and discuss the 5 rules. We have talked about each in depth. We have explained why each was put in place. We have asked each child to recite them back to us as a confirmation that each has indeed absorbed the information. Each day they immediately go away from the discussion and immediately break one of said rules. Yesterday my eldest son sat with me for 15 minutes and discussed rule #1 - no running. He had broken the rule just moments before and I wanted to make sure he understood the rule. I was giving him a chance to learn without punishment. I sat with him, discussing the whys and wherefores of the rule. After the discussion he pledged to never ever run in the house again. His round innocent eyes blazed into my heart and I believed him. I told him I would love it if he could follow the rules, but if he did find a way to break it again, his punishment would come swift and sure. He once again pledged eternal vigilance. I let him go from the discussion, sure that this time I had gotten through. My son walked 5 steps from the table where we had just completed the discussion and then took off running to his bedroom. He went to bed an hour early for his crimes.

His sisters are no better. After numerous discussion on throwing things, these two twin terrors have found themselves serving early bedtimes in lieu of hard time.

Today, I entered my home, my place of refuge from the world. I greet my children, dutifully and diligently working on their homework. My trouble sensor flicks to "on". Somethings up. Why are they being so...good? I begin searching my home, quietly. I don't want to draw attention to the fact that I am suspicious. My searching reveals nothing significant. So why are they acting so...good? For one brief moment I allow myself to believe they aren't the con-artists that I almost accused them of being. Ahhhhh...the deep sigh of an overreaction lay to rest. I take my stuff to my bedroom in hopes of a relaxing night. My room is...not quite right. I can't figure it out. Something is wrong. The smell of my perfume still hangs in the air like I just put it on, my pillows are...not right, my makeup is in the wrong place...

It hits me like a long wooden pole in a jousting competition. They had been in there!!! They were playing in my room. That is rule #5 - be polite and respectful. My room is off limits. I went out to the kitchen and there sat my three children. Angelic looks upon their young innocent faces. All three held up their homework, hoping to invoke my pride and distract me from whatever my thoughts were...con-artists everyone. I asked calmly, "who was in my room?" My son, unwilling to go down alone, blurted out "they did it too!!!" His sisters shot him death ray glares. It is lucky for him they haven't actually honed that power yet. My youngest daughter turned to me and asked "how did you know?" The question was not asked out of penance. No, it was asked as a form of re-con. What she was really saying was something along the lines of "we will want to do it again some day soon, and we wanted to know what it was that gave us away. We will need to cover the trail better next time. Any information you, Mother, could supply us with would be of great help in future schemes."

They went to bed early again. I am not sure if it is the best punishment, but they seem to hate it when they can't stay up and it keeps me from inflicting punishments that would bring into question parental rights.

It is not that hard!!!!

2007-09-25T11:25:00.000-06:00

So here I am at work. Frustrated as usual.... sorry to any of you that read this blog. I tend to write most when I am frustrated. Anyway, I have been charged with organizing a training system at "the Lab", as my place of business will furthermore and always be known as. The idea is that we are hiring, at a whiplashing speed may I add, college graduates. The problem with the newly papered group is that they come out of school with a big head and no useful practical application. They are however favored over those of us.....who are less papered than the mighty graduates. We have simply worked in the industry for more than 10 years and actually come with practical, hands on knowledge. Why would that be useful I wonder?????

I guess the papers make them smarter then us? If you use that arguements with dogs, you loose. The papered ones are...less than bright and come with a myriad of genetic defects. You wanna good dog? Go with a mutt! They ain't got no papers, but they are teachable and smart! I'm a microbiological mutt. No papers, but good instincts.

Sorry, I diverted. So we have a load of papered people with no practical knowledge testing the medical devices used on you by your doctor on your next hospital visit. Ya...I felt the chill too.

I have been charged with giving the papered the knowledge they would have gotten if they weren't off getting all papered in the first place. Actually, I have to arrange our Senior scientists to teach them about their tests. This seems simple enough. I locate areas where problems are occuring, I assign one of the two best Scientists in the industry (yup we have them both) to work with these people to get them straightened out. It is a bloody nightmare!

These two brilliant men, and I do mean brilliant! There is no sarcasm there. These men know more about testing medical devices and pharmaceuticals than pretty much anyone in the industry, including the mighty and powerful FDA. But they have one problem......

They have no idea how to check their schedules! These men can quote governmental regulations verbatum. They can do portions of quantum physics in their heads...but they can't access their groupwise!!!

I need a coke!

I am back and I am Stephens

2007-09-07T09:39:00.000-06:00

Ok......so it has been a few days since I updated my blog. Things have been happening.....what can I say.

So I got divorced. It may have been the wacky hours I was working. It could have been all the days he mentioned to me that he never worried about me and could sleep soundly if I didn't come home. He wouldn't worry that I hadn't made it home. It could have been that too. It might have been the one time he mentioned to me that he would never have gotten married if it hadn't been commanded by God....that should have probably triggered something......OR... maybe it was the day he came home from work, found me balled up on the kitchen floor crying hysterically...very close to complete mental and physical break down.

What would your response be? If you came home from work and found your significant other, to whom you are bound and supposed to love, on the floor of the kitchen in complete melt down mode?

I think most human beings (non-mutant) would respond with compassion. They would go to their beloved, hold them, figure out the problem and do everything to fix whatever was making him or her so completely distraught. Am I wrong in that thinking?

The response from Brent (going forward his name has been changed to Asshat...I apologize to anyone who sensitivities are offended by that....it is really the only name that fits) anyway, his response was to look at me, say something along the lines of "gee, sorry your day isn't going well", and the ask me what was for dinner.

I think that was it. The moment that I realized that he didn't love me....that he probably had never really loved me...and most important, I did not love him.

I asked him to leave two weeks later. He was stunned. He still is stunned. I think he will always be stunned. Something happened in his life that wasn't his idea and dictated by him. That would be stunning to a man like him I suppose.

I forced the divorce through quickly. It is easy to do when you want nothing from him, want to get away from him, and have an awesome family that will rally around you and help even if they think you are making a mistake. I really don't know what each of them thinks about the situation. It didn't matter then and it doesn't matter now. It is amazing. There is such peace and clarity in finally telling yourself the truth. I spent years in misery, married and completely alone. I worried, years earlier, when I wanted to leave, about what "people" would think. What would I say, how could I explain my failure. It comes down to this.............

NO ONE KNOWS WHAT YOUR LIFE IS LIKE. THE ALL ENCOMPASSING "THEY" HAVE NO IDEA. IT IS NOT UP TO THEM. IT ISN'T WORTH THE WORRY.

You get to a point when the "they" don't matter anymore......and there is peace. The "they" that are really important, will love and support even if they don't understand. If they don't support? Well you now have the answer to who should really matter in your life.

I got some very hurtful counsel from a well meaning Stake president. At first I really hated him. I wanted scream at him. As time has passed I now realize that he just didn't understand the situation. He couldn't understand. He just didn't have the ability to understand a marriage where there was no love. It wasn't in him. For him, every marriage has bumps. That is true. But he was assuming that every marriage also had love and devotion. He was wrong. There was obligation, and nothing else. You cannot fix a marriage built and founded on obligation. It is like the analogy of the foolish man building his house on the sand. No solid foundation. That sucks come hurricane season.

Ok, so why is my name Stephens and not Porter the way it should be????

Here is the fairytale part of it!

Life is not always as easy to predict as many of us believe it would be. This guy, John. Unassuming friend. Roleplaying buddy. Fellow browncoat. Stumbled into my life. Quite unexpectedly.

It wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to live out the rest of my life with a big sturdy wall around my heart. I was supposed to become a man hater; a solid, do it myself sufficient single mom. I was building that wall. It was going up. John sort of stealthily moved in there and took my mortar. It is really hard to build a wall when there is nothing to make it stick. He did that for me.

He has taught me love. I didn't know it was possible to love being married. Now it has only been 5 months, but it seems like it should always have been.

He loves me.

Such a simple statement, but you wouldn't believe the struggle it has been to accept. He likes that I am quirky. He likes that I randomly break into song, that I like to dance to music when I cook dinner (most importantly he dances with me), that I believe in fairies (and gnomes, and dwarfs, and elves, and most importantly dragons), that I constantly analyze everything, that I am me in everyway. I don't have to feel bad about everything I am and I don't have to change for him. I can just be me. My life is no longer a lie. It is truth in all its imperfect and wonderful glory. He doesn't just love me....he likes me too. So wierd!

My husband is my best friend and I thank my Father in Heaven every day for the trial he gave me so that I can understand every day how precious and rare my John is.

Wow is it really that late????

2006-05-18T01:00:00.000-06:00

So here I am at work. 1am and I have nothing to do but sit here and talk to you. I want to warn you that I will come off a little cynical in my blogs. It is just me. I am a natural red head with a pentchant for saying what I am thinking.....usually to my detriment. But I figure, at least you never have to wonder where you stand with me, and you always know what I am thinking. Besides, this is my Blog....if you don't like it...stop reading it!!!!

So, I decided today that my life is utter and complete chaos wrapped in a blanket of unknown. I have four kids, whom I love with every ounce of my soul. Being a mother is my greatest source of joy and pain. The pain part comes mostly from the fact that I have to find time to hold a full time job while caring for my kids. So here I am. 1 am pretending to work, logging hours so that I don't get another warning letter from human resources pointing out that I was 15 minutes short of my required hours and I will loose my benefits if I don't straighten up. The worst part is that life is in a constant state of flux. I know... I know...life is about change. Well then I have had about all the life change I can deal with. Just when I get a schedule down and all 6 of us (Brent my hubby included) going in the right direction, something happens to throw the whole plan into turmoil. Like for instance, I work insane hours, usually 4 am to 12pm. Brent drops the children off at their various places of learning in the morning around 8 am. I pick them up at lunch and we only have to pay a half day for Brit (the baby) to be in daycare. It is working beautifully, with the exception that I never sleep and am aging well before my age, but oh well. Can't have it all. Anyway, next school year my third child will be starting kindergarten. We are on year round school. If you don't know what that is....look it up under "ways school districts can torcher parents and make their lives really hard". I am sure you will find it on a google search. Anyway, year round students are on tracks that put them into and out of school on a regulated schedule spread over 12 months. We have been on track A for three years, but now it appears that track B will be our designated track. Interesting problem though. Kindergarten is half day. I need my student to be in morning kindergarten to accommodate our schedule. B track ( our new track for those of you so bored you can't keep up) is the only track that does not have a morning kindergarten. My life is again chaos trying to figure out how to make an afternoon kindergarten work. I just can't get things to come together. It is frustrating.

I am tired now. I think I will go take a nap. I wish I drank Coffee. I love coffee. It is so bad for you and I have been instructed that for the protection of my body I should not consume it, but I love it and nights like these remind me of how much I wish I didn't know that I love coffee....if you get my meaning.

What the????

2006-05-02T16:29:00.000-06:00

I am sitting at work listening to the laziest person I have encountered in my many years here at the lab. He is complaining that he is so busy and that he got into trouble for playing nintendo games at work on his computer. Is he SERIOUS???? I have an ulcer and do three jobs while I watch him play video games, text his friends, and allow his three techs to do all of his work and he is busy??? HELL NO!

I was the one who turned him in for playing the games!!!!! Mwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! The evil laugh is out!!!

I feel better.......back to work now.

Here is my new home

2006-05-02T11:12:00.000-06:00

It is kinda comfy..........